The 18 Unspoken Rules of Sex
They’re basic, but you might still be breaking some of them
About a week ago, an incredibly simple post blew up on r/AskReddit.
It was one short question with no elaboration.
“What are the unspoken rules of sex?”
That was enough to get thousands of people to chime in and share their sex basics.
Some of them were silly, confusing, a little too specific - or all three.
Screenshot by author
But for the most part, the advice was incredibly helpful.
Because most people still don’t talk about sex openly, you can go most of your life without learning some of the rules. They’re literally unspoken.
And the more I come across people sharing the details of their sex lives, the more I get the impression that almost everyone is getting their fuck on without knowing all the basics.
So, here they are. The rules of sex - well, 18 of them anyway. A few are from that Reddit thread, the rest are some that I’ve had to learn firsthand, and all of them are going to help you have better sex.
Wash Everywhere and Wash Well
You’ve got to be reasonably clean before getting dirty
Bad hygiene is an extremely common turn off. And you’ll especially hear about it when people are talking about blowjobs.
That makes sense because the whole ball area has an unfortunate knack for getting nasty. It’s a bacteria hotspot, which means it can start to smell bad - and taste even worse.
And it’s especially noticeable to anyone who has their face down there.
If it’s a frequent problem, it can be enough to make some people swear off giving head completely.
It’s not just balls and blowjobs, though. Funky smells in general can be distracting and totally ruin the mood.
So if you’re anywhere near a potential sex zone, make sure you’re fresh. Taking a shower is ideal, but scrubbing up at the sink can do the trick too.
You’ll feel less self-conscious if you do. Whoever you’re fucking is going to be more eager about getting it on. And they’re a lot more likely to go down, too.
Use Lube
My first impression of lube was that it was something older women used.
I don’t know where I got the idea that it was some kind of post-menopausal sex aid. But I know I can’t be the only one who thought that, because so many people seem reluctant to use lube during sex.
And yeah, it’s true that you don’t always need it. Unless you’re doing anal, you can sometimes make it through with natural lubrication and maybe a bit of spit.
But you should still default to lubing up.
For one thing, getting really wet isn’t always easy. Even when you’re really horny, your body might decide not to cooperate - because bodies are weird and annoying like that.
And sometimes you really want to have sex even though you’re not super horny
You might be too anxious or nervous to get fully aroused. Maybe you’re not feeling super turned on but you still want the intimacy, the pleasure, and the orgasms that come with a good fuck. Or you’re halfway in the mood and that’s more than enough for you.
No one’s exactly soaking their panties in any of those situations, so the lube comes in handy.
But even if you’re wet enough, lube is still your friend. It’s not just there to make penetration possible - it’s there to make it better.
Lube gives you a smoother fuck. It makes rubbing a pussy or stroking a cock more stimulating and pleasurable. It enhances all the sensations that were already amazing to begin with.
Lubing up by default just makes sense.
It’s Not Her Job to Clean Up After You’re Done
Great sex ends with awesome aftercare. Cuddling. Pillow talk. Even just relaxing together.
And from what I hear, a lot of guys blow the aftercare right from the start.
Actually, they blow it right after blowing their loads.
A lot of straight sex ends more or less when the guy comes. And in a lot of cases, he’s going to come somewhere on his lady.
He’ll blast on her stomach. He’ll unload on her ass. If she’s a real sport, he’ll get to do it all over her face.
And that’s great. It’s hot. I love a good cumshot as much as the next gal.
What I don’t like is when a guy taps out right after he busts his nut.
Sadly, that happens way too often. In a lot of cases, guys just leave a girl to clean herself up.
Either she shambles to the bathroom by herself, trying not to let any of the sticky stuff drip off her. Or he’ll hand her a towel or whatever he can grab so she can wipe herself down.
Screenshot by author
That’s just not good enough. A gentleman always cleans his lady after making a mess on her.
Extra points if you do it with a warm, wet towel. But at the very least, you’ve got to wipe her down enough so you wouldn’t taste yourself if you licked the spot you came on.
I know there are a few exceptions. I’ve heard of girls who prefer to clean their own facials because it’s kind of a delicate operation. Some women prefer to quickly hop in the shower, too.
But unless she asks you to leave it to her, you should be doing it. It’s sweet. It’s another opportunity for her to feel connected to you. It’s a great first step in your aftercare.
And it’s just the decent thing to do.
Never Do the Head Push
There are two versions of the head push and they’re both bad.
The first one is when a guy thinks he can ask for head by using his hands. Instead of sweetly asking her if she’d like to suck him off, he places his palm on the back of her head and pushes it down toward his dick.
Some guys do it because they think it’s a playful way to ask. But it’s actually just rude and demanding.
Other guys do it because they think it’s a dominant move. And I guess it is, but it’s not the kind that would turn most women on.
And I’m sure there are dudes who do it just because they have no manners.
Version two is when his dick’s already in her mouth. He’s already getting sucked off, but he wishes she’d take it deeper or hold it in her mouth longer. So, out comes the head push.
That one’s just plain uncomfortable. Even if it’s not enough to make her gag, there’s a reason she might want to keep it shallow or take it out of her mouth - and preventing her from doing it is really uncool.
Both versions of the head push have ruined countless blowjobs. They’ve turned eager cocksuckers into girlfriends who never want to take it past the lips.
I personally hate the head push with a passion. But it does have its place.
Some submissive women love the head push as part of their foreplay. Some of them love the primal feeling of having of a guy take her in whatever way he wants. And women who love rough sex might want a bit of forceful facefucking to be part of that.
Those exceptions are rare, though. And it’s not a move you should ever pull unless she gives you explicit consent to do it.
Never Go Ass to Anywhere Else
Anal is a final destination.
If you slip a finger, a cock, or a butt toy in anyone’s ass, that’s the last place it should go.
Very few people ever want to be on the receiving end of ass to mouth. And going from ass to pussy is basically asking for an infection.
I completely understanding wanting pussy penetration after a good ass fuck, but use condoms so you can keep it clean.
And I know it’s not always deliberate. Sometimes, it’s just a bit of carelessness. You stick your fingers in her ass early in your fuck session and later you’re using those same fingers to spread her lips while you’re eating her out.
So, be really mindful - because getting lost in the moment isn’t worth the infection that might come later.
And nothing's going to make a girl want to give up on anal play like repeatedly dealing with those.
If you want to be super safe, just save all the anal fun for the end. It makes the stimulation and orgasms incredibly intense, so it’s a really good way to finish anyway.
Every Part of the Body Is an Erogenous Zone
People don’t talk about erogenous zones a whole lot these days, but you used to hear about them all the time. And I think some of us took it a little too seriously.
There are quite a lot of guys who approach foreplay like it’s all about hitting a few specific spots. They might touch her here and there, but for the most part he’s going for her tits, her clit, and her G-spot. Maybe he’s figured out that kissing her neck is a good move too.
It’s not just guys, though. Lots of women love getting touched all over but don’t give a whole lot of physical attention to the guys they fuck. And when they do, they zero in on the cock.
Those are all great spots to stimulate and they’re real intense pleasure zones. But everyone’s missing out because being touched, kissed, and licked in all sorts of places feels really fucking good.
Treating your partner’s body like almost every part of it is sensitive and stimulating is going to improve your foreplay. It’s going to make sex a lot more sensual and satisfiyng. It’s going to make them feel loved, appreciated, and attractive.
Clits and dicks need plenty of love, but focusing too much on supposed erogenous zones is going to fuck up your game.
Touch each other all over instead and you’ll have better, hornier sex.
Make a Lot of Noise
If you’re not making noise during sex, you’re doing it wrong
I know that sounds harsh, but I feel very strongly about this. And I think more people should.
If you’re a quiet fuck, you’re basically starfishing. And it sucks for the same reason just laying there sucks.
It can make fucking you pretty unnerving. Because not making any noise doesn’t mean you’re giving your partner zero feedback - it’s actually giving them negative feedback.
When you don’t make any sex sounds, your partner can get caught up in all sorts of worries. They’ll wonder if they’re doing a good enough job. If they’re turning you on. Or whether you’re fully enjoying it - or just going along with it because it’s alright.
That’s going to kill their enthusiasm. It can make them feel insecure and inhibited. It’s going to make them a lot less eager and dirty than they would be if you were really getting into it.
They won’t be as turned on either. Making you moan is half the fun of getting you off. Sex sounds are hot as hell and not making any is taking away a lot of the excitement.
Plus, being vocal is way more fun. It helps you get in the moment and fully enjoy all the fucktastic action.
So, don’t hold yourself back. Let go and make some noise. Moan with appreciation. Groan when you’re leaning into the pleasure. And if you can talk dirty, that’s even better.
Never Be Weird About Using Condoms
Unprotected sex can lead to sexually transmitted infections and pregnancy, so you think this wouldn’t have to be said. But it does, because some people are still reluctant to sheath up.
Even the ones who agree to it are sometimes a little passive aggressive about it.
And that’s just no good. Sex should be fun and comfortable, but it’s not going to be either of those things if you’re taking risks you don’t really want to take.
If you’re at all open to hookups or casual sex, have some protection on hand. Even if you’re willing to go raw, you shouldn’t expect anyone else to.
And if anyone asks you to use a condom, a flavored one, or a dental dam, don’t even hesitate. Just do it and do it enthusiastically.
Don’t Assume You Know the Best Way to Turn Someone On
Lots of couples have mismatched sex drives. But we don’t talk enough about the fact that they probably have mismatched sex styles too.
I keep hearing from people who are frustrated because they feel like they’re doing everything they can to get their partner in the mood for sex, and they still can’t get anywhere.
But a lot of them aren’t actually doing everything they could. They’re doing the things that would work on them and assuming it should get their partners going too.
That almost never works because different people respond to different things.
You might get turned on by physical touch but your partner needs filthy praise and dirty talk.
Maybe a dirty date night does it for you, but they need time to daydream and fantasize if they’re going to get horny.
You’re trying to flirt your way into sex but they can’t get in the mood without something more sensual.
Or you’re down to fuck any which way, but they can’t get excited unless they know the sex is going to be a bit kinky.
But if you don’t take the time to figure out what really gets them going, you’re going to waste a whole lot of energy on not getting laid.
Go Steady When She’s About to Come
There’s this little communication problem that’s super common and has been responsible for so many missed orgasms.
It happens when a woman is about to come. She’s really close, she just needs more of the same stimulation to get there.
To encourage him to keep going, she’ll say “don’t stop.”
And then it backfires.
He doesn’t stop, sure. But he doesn’t keep giving her the same stimulation, either.
Instead, he speeds up. He fingers or fucks her harder. He licks her pussy more quickly.
And he fucks up her orgasm
It’s an extremely common issue, but you can do your part to fix it.
When you’re pleasuring a lady and she says “don’t stop,” just keep doing exactly what you’re doing. Use the same speed, same rhythm, same pressure - same everything until she’s done convulsing from the orgasm you gave her.
Make that one little change and you’ll instantly be a better fuck.
Always Be Playful
Sex is supposed to be fun, but some people seem to forget that.
I think it’s because they get self-conscious or something. They don’t want to do anything that might be embarrassing or unsexy, so the minute it’s time to get down they get really serious.
That can be alright. But it’s never going to be amazing.
The best sex is playful. It’s not just full of pleasure - it’s also full of excitement. It feels like you’re exploring, playing around, improvising, and just enjoying each other’s bodies in all sorts of different ways.
It leaves you feeling like you had a ton of fun - not just a bunch of orgasms.
So keep it light. It’s called fooling around for a reason.
Sex Toys Make Everything Better
There are so many amazing ways you can have sex.
And if you have the right sex toys, you can multiply them.
Toys basically give you endless sexual possibilities. You can give each other all sorts of stimulation that your bodies just couldn’t give on their own.
Wedges and sex furniture let you fuck at better and more satisfying angles.
Toys can help you experience double penetration without having to bring in anyone else.
All it takes is one good realistic dildo to open up endless ways to roleplay threesomes and cucking fantasies.
Sex toys are great for masturbating. But if you’re not using them with your partner, you’re majorly missing out - and so are they.
Keep Pleasuring Her Clit
Every guy knows he’s got to pleasure a lady’s clit if she’s going to have a great time.
But a lot of them only got part of the memo.
Because there’s still this assumption that you should rub her pussy and eat her out to get her worked up for penetration. Or that you should make sure to lick her pussy until you’re sure she’s had at least one orgasm - and then you can go ahead and fuck her.
But no, that’s not enough.
The clit isn’t a checkpoint you pass on the way to sex. It’s an important part of her pussy, and it should come along for the whole ride.
You shouldn’t stop stimulating her clit until she has her final orgasm or asks you to stop.
Until then, keep at it.
Rub it while you’re fucking her. If you’re in a position that makes it awkward, tell her you want her to touch herself while you fuck her. Use a wearable couples toy if you’d rather keep all your focus on thrusting.
And when you’re done fucking her, there’s no reason you can’t go back and give her clit some extra licks.
Don’t Expect Sex to Go a Specific Way
Most people have a sex script, even if they don’t realize it.
It’s basically all their assumptions about the way sex should go and what it should involve.
For a lot of people, it’s that sex should start with manual stimulation, then some oral, and then you board the penetration station until it’s over.
For some, it’s that there should always be some oral sex.
Maybe there are a few positions you rely on just a little too much.
Whatever it is, let go of it.
Expecting sex to go a certain way or involve something takes some of the fun out of it. And you’re way more likely to be a predictable lay, which will make fucking you a lot less thrilling.
It also makes it harder for you to adapt and switch things up when you need to.
Your partner won’t always be in the mood for the same stuff. Sometimes they might want everything but the penetration. Or they’re not really feeling up to giving oral. Or they just want to fuck in a way that feels spontaneous.
If you stick to your sex script instead of giving them what they need, they’re a lot more likely to take a pass on fucking.
Never Kink Shame
Finding out your partner has a kink that you’re not into can be kind of tough.
It shouldn’t be a big deal, but it can feel like an emotional blow.
Suddenly, you feel inadequate. Like you can’t give them what they want in bed.
Or finding out that you’re a little more vanilla than they are makes you feel insecure.
And that can make you feel like lashing out.
Not violently or anything like that. But by making bitchy comments. Getting passive aggressive about what they want in bed. Or making fun of what turns them on.
Which really sucks. Because saying hurtful things about someone’s sexual preferences and desires is bad enough to begin with. Doing it when they’re being open and vulnerable with you is extra hurtful.
So, be ready for your partner to be into something kinky, weird, or nasty. And if you ever find out they are, respond appropriately.
You don’t have to be into it. You don’t have to agree to try it out or experiment with them.
But you don’t have to shame them for it either.
You can just be respectful about whatever happens to turn them on. Simple as that.
Deeper, Harder, and Faster Isn’t Always Better
There’s another sex script that we have to get rid of.
It’s the idea that sexual stimulation should always intensify.
That it can start off slow, soft, and shallow. But it’s always going to get faster, harder, and deeper.
And it really doesn’t have to.
I think it comes from this idea that great sex is always extreme. It’s the hardest, fastest, and deepest pounding that’s going to really blow a lady’s mind.
But that’s just not true.
All those things can be amazing.
And yeah, if she wants you to hit it really hard you should definitely take some time to work up to it.
But you can also keep it shallow, soft, or slow. It can be better that way. Sometimes it’s the key to making her come extra hard.
Instead of intensifying, pay attention to her cues and check in with her. That’s the only way to know what kind of stimulation is going to really get her off.
Leave Your Partner in an Amazing Emotional State
This was one of my favorite responses to the Reddit thread.
It said that you should follow the camp site rule when fucking - leave your parnter in as good or better an emotional state.
Screenshot by author
That’s such a big deal because sex can be an incredibly intense experience - and not just physically. It’s full of hormonal highs that can come crashing down. It makes you feel incredibly vulnerable and connected - which makes it easier to get hurt emotionally.
Everyone should feel amazing after the sex is over, but that doesn’t just happen automatically.
Even when the sex blows your mind and makes you see stars, it can still leave you feeling miserable at the end. And that can retroactively ruin all that great sex you just had.
This isn’t just about hookups and casual sex, either. Or even short-term relationships. It’s completely relevant even if you’ve been settled down a while, married for a couple of decades, or been together so long you almost forget what you were like before you met.
Even with a solid relationship, sex can leave you feeling weird, lonely, and anxious.
So never skip the aftercare.
Check in with each other regularly and keep your emotional connection strong.
Don’t just get sweet and lovey when you think there’s a chance you might get laid. Be flirty and affectionate even when it won’t lead to anything more.
Play inside your partner’s sexual comfort zones and never nudge past them.
If you do all that, you should both be able to have all the sex without any of the weird feelings.
Don’t Pressure Your Partner Into Anything
There’s probably something you want to do in bed that your partner’s just not interested in doing.
Actually, there are probably a few things like that.
Anal’s a common one. But it could be deepthroating, ass eating, pegging, or swallowing. It could be taboo roleplay, bondage, rough sex - anything really.
And that’s all good - as long as you don’t push them to do it.
A lot of people put sexual pressure on their partner because they feel it’s their only option. Either push them into giving in - or you give up on ever enjoying it.
Except those aren’t actually your options.
You can find a way to get your partner excited to try whatever the hell it is you’re into. Maybe you figure out a way to work one of their kinks into it. Or you show them a porn scene that makes it look really appealing.
You can also get them so horny that they’re open to trying things they normally would be reluctant to - maybe even whatever it is you’ve been wishing they would do.
And your other option is to just keep it a fantasy. It’s something you masturbate to, watch in porn, and probably think about a lot. But it’s not something they’ll ever be into, and that’s all there is to it.
You have to respect your partner’s sexual boundaries, even if you don’t like them. That means you can’t push past them. And it means you can’t pressure them to push past them either.
Follow the Rules and Fuck Better
Because there’s so much shame and taboo around sex, most of us start fucking before we’re actually ready to.
We don’t really know what good sex involves.
We have a million questions but none that we’re comfortable asking.
We’re supposed to communicate our way into pleasurable, emotionally gratifying sex but we can barely manage the words.
And sometimes we fuck for ten, twenty, thirty years and still don’t know all the rules.
But now you know at least 18 of them. If you start following them, you’ll have more fun, be better in bed, and leave your partners way more satisfied.
This post contains affiliate links to some fun toys, lubes, and condoms. If you click on one of them and treat yourself to anything from the site, I earn a small commission and you’ll be having even more fun in bed! And be sure to use the code LOVEEMMA at checkout to save 15% on your entire oder from Betty’s Toy Box or 10% from Condomania!
If you liked this article, you should totally check out the Unspoken Rules of Sex (Shower Sex, Hair Sex, and Busty Hairdressers) episode of my dirty and intimate sex podcast, Pillow Talk With Emma Austin!
