How to Be More Dominant (Even if You're Kind of Vanilla)
Any man can learn to take charge
My husband and I used to be reluctant to try anything resembling BDSM. We liked to explore and experiment, but we never considered ourselves kinky. We were always on the outer edges of vanilla.
I’m not into pain and he’s not into inflicting it, so that sort of stuff was out of the question.
And he always assumed domination wasn’t on the table, either.
One of the things I love most about my husband is that he’s a Beta Male. I don’t mean that he’s a coward or that he defers to showy, cocky men. I just mean that he’s very modest and humble. He’s not physically imposing and doesn’t have an intimidating demeanor.
He’s also kind of a dork. He used to hang out with his friends and play Dungeons & Dragons and Magic: The Gathering (and something called Vampire: The Masquerade — I have no idea what that even is but it sounds equally dorky).
He hasn’t done that in ages, but that stuff sticks. It’s hard to be a tough guy when you’ve spent evenings rolling 20-sided dice.
So, when I started to realize I wanted to explore my more submissive side during sex, he wasn’t sure he’d have the personality to pull off any kind of domination.
We decided to work it in gradually. I let Mr. Austin take the lead, and we both assessed our comfort levels as we went.
At first, it was his attitude that changed. His dirty talk focused more on taking control from me. He had a more commanding presence.
He wasn’t bossy, exactly — it was more like he was in charge and knew it.
Then, we changed the way we fucked. He pinned down my wrists during missionary. He edged me to the point of frustration and told me he wasn’t going to let me come yet.
We introduced a blindfold and handcuffs. And for Sexmas, he gifted me a set of restraints. So, I think it’s safe to say he’s managed to embrace his dominant side in very little time.
He’s still a dorky, sweet, gentle guy. But he can bring it. In the bedroom, his caring but dominant approach never falls flat. It turns me on and gets me off every single time.
If you’re also vanilla or don’t feel like much of an Alpha, here are some ways you can be more dominant in the bedroom and give your submissive partner the kind of sex they really want.
Work on Your Confidence
Being dominant is all about projecting the right attitude. You need to have some presence. And to do that, you need to approach what you do with confidence.
Being confident will keep you from being too timid to play the role you’re trying to play. It will also keep you from being so cocky that you seem insecure.
I’m not going to pretend that learning to be confident is easy. So, take it slowly and keep it low pressure. Make one or two dominant moves whenever you have sex. When you get comfortable with those, you can take the control play up a notch.
And there’s no shame in practicing your dirty talk ahead of time. Rehearse it in front of the mirror so it comes out clear, steady, and commanding.
Find Out What Your Partner Needs
There are different ways to be submissive and dominant. So, have a few conversations with your partner ahead of time to figure out what kind of dynamic they’re looking for.
There’s a big difference between someone who wants to act bratty and defiant so you can tame them into submission and someone who just wants you to tie a scarf around their wrists.
Do they want you to be aggressive or loving?
Do they just want you to take the lead or they want to be physically restrained?
Do they want you to make them do things or do they just want you to take the lead?
Learn what they want and expect out of submission and give it to them. Play the role that fits best and stick to it the whole way through.
You also need to figure out where their boundaries are. What are they fine with you doing and what would they rather you avoid? What turns them on and what would make them feel violated? Make sure you’re very clear on this before starting.
Control play means taking away your partner’s need to make choices, not taking away their consent.
Be Inventive
Once you start finding your dominant groove, make sure it doesn’t turn into a rut. Keep introducing new ideas and put a fresh twist on what you’ve been doing.
One of the things I love most about subby sex is the feeling that I’m not in control of what’s happening. That feeling is heightened when I don’t know what’s coming next. I still love planning to use the handcuffs or the restraints, but the element of surprise turns me on even more.
One night, while he was getting me off, Mr. Austin told me not to make a sound. Hearing him say it was incredibly arousing. In part, it was the playfulness of it, that he had made rubbing and licking my pussy into a game I could participate in.
The controlling element was hot, too. Any time I moaned or let a word slip from my lips, he would take his fingers or tongue off my clit and gently chastise me. Every time, it reminded me that he was in charge.
But the cherry on top of all that was the fact that it caught me off guard.
I knew he had something planned for that night, but I didn’t know what. He teased me before, saying he had four words that would turn me on. I kind of didn’t believe him (I mean, four words. Really?) But not knowing what was going to happen until I was already stripped naked and waiting for him to guide the action made it so much sexier.
So, if you want to really please your submissive partner, make sure your domination doesn’t get predictable. If you strap them to the bedposts every time, it could still be fun, but it might lose its edge.
That doesn’t mean you have to come up with something new every single time you fuck. If you find something that works, keep it in your repertoire, but don’t do it every single time you have sex. Save it and give it to your partner again when they’re not expecting it.
Start with Psychological Domination
Your partner might want you to dominate them physically — to hold them down when you fuck them, to tie them up, to physically force them to do something they already want to do. If that’s the case, go ahead and give them that experience.
But if they’re not specifically looking for that, it’s better to ease into domination by making it more psychological.
That’s all about creating the right kind of dynamic between the two of you. It’s about having presence and being in charge. It’s creating a clear sense that there’s a power structure in the bedroom and that you’re on top of it. Even if your partner has the most control over the situation (they should have a safeword and complete veto power over anything you do), it shouldn’t feel that way.
You can achieve that by being more commanding. You could tell them “Hold your wrists above your head and don’t let go of them” or “Get on your knees and keep your head down.”
You can also do it by edging them and only letting them get off on your terms.
And you can just lead the action, deciding what you’ll do and how the night unfolds. Sometimes, taking the decisions out of your partner’s hands is all they need to feel taken care of.
Once you get comfortable with the mental side of domination, then you can start introducing the physical stuff if you haven’t already. But a lot of times when someone says they want you to be more dominant, this is all they mean. They might not want any of the physical stuff.
Use Gentle Aggression
Aggression doesn’t have to be part of your dominance play, but if you and your partner want to try it out, start with a more gentle approach.
Spanking is a good place to start. I’m not into pain, but I love getting spanked. With the right technique, it will feel intense but it won’t hurt. Gentle hair pulling can also feel really good without being too painful.
You can also try being a little forceful during sex. Pinning your partner’s arms down, physically putting their body in the position you want it, or even throwing them on the bed can all work. I personally love being squeezed and manhandled in just the right way.
The aggression can also come out in your attitude. Growling your demands and using more aggressive language can all convey aggression without having to lay a finger on anyone.
Again, this is not something that will be pleasurable or even acceptable for everyone, so talk to your partner about it first and tread carefully when you do incorporate this into your dominance play.
Use Light Restraints
If you want to use bondage accessories, keep them light and comfortable at first. Unless it’s specifically part of your partner’s fantasies, there’s no reason to jump to chains and faux leather bondage masks.
If you use handcuffs, go for a pair that is adjustable or has a soft lining for the wrists. Or try silicone handcuffs — I’ve found the material pleasant to the touch and comfortable to wear.
To blindfold your partner, use a soft eyemask or a silky scarf. Use that same type of scarf if you want to bind their wrists together or tie them to the bedpost.
If you find you’re really into it, you can invest in some more better gear. I love using an under the bed restraint system - it’s a very simple, discrete, all-purpose set of retraints that my husband uses almost every single time he wants to tie me down.
Domination Doesn’t Have to Be Dark
There’s always this image of domination as being this dark thing. I mean, the minute you mention a “dungeon,” I’m thinking red and black colors, dim lighting, and some really serious shit going down.
For some people, domination is all about business suits and black leather, but it doesn’t have to be. (Check out Bubblegum Dungeon if you want proof that even the really kinky stuff can be bright, colorful, and cutesy.)
I suspect this might be the thing that prevents some people from embracing their dominant side. Because they’re not the serious, brooding, Christian Grey type, they don’t think they can pull it off. But you can keep things light and playful.
Even when Mr. Austin is at his most dominant, we often laugh or giggle, make little jokes, and sometimes he even turns the control play into a bit of a game. And it does a really good job of lighting up my subby side. So, if the dark stuff doesn’t come naturally to you, don’t worry about and just keep the mood light and playful.
Remember the Aftercare
Being submissive can put you in a weird mental space, especially when you’re first starting to explore it.
After giving up so much control, your submissive partner might want to be made to feel safe again.
And for some of us, being submissive is something that we love in the bedroom but would never agree to outside of it. Once the arousal and all the sexy feelings subside, we might experience some of that cognitive dissonance.
So, after being dominant with your partner, it’s important to give them some good aftercare. Your first night dominating them is not the right time for you to just roll over and go to sleep when you’re done.
Everyone has different needs, but cuddles are a good start. Some people need to debrief after — they need to talk over what they just went through so that it feels right. Being told some reassuring stuff can help, too. Sometimes just a few simple words like “Wow, that was so good. You’re amazing.” can be enough to keep the positive feelings going after you’re done.
And sure, your partner might not need anything. They might have just loved the handcuffed fuck and now they’re good and satisfied. But you should still check in with them (and cuddling never hurt anyone, so don’t be stingy with it).
Aftercare is kind of a misnomer, though, because it’s something you should be doing throughout. Make them feel taken care of and show your partner some approval and appreciation for their participation. Sometimes, just being told you’re doing a good job is enough to make the whole thing better.
Remember That It’s About the Submissive’s Pleasure
When you’re doing control play, it’s all about the submissive partner’s pleasure.
You will still get off. And if domination is for you, you’ll get pleasure from taking control from your partner, too. But all your actions will be geared toward giving your partner what they need and what feels good for them.
When you’re dominating someone, that means you’re in charge of them. You’re leading, but it also means it’s your responsibility to take care of them. Domination is not a convenient excuse for you to do whatever you want to your partner’s body. Even if you’re telling them to spread their legs or you’re fucking their mouth, it’s to help them tap into the primal pleasure that comes with surrender.
Tap into Your Wild Side
Being dominant isn’t for everyone. I know that first-hand. When I tried to take the lead with my husband, it just felt off. I just couldn’t get into it. But I’m still glad I gave it a shot because now I know for sure — it doesn’t work for me.
But if you love taking charge during sex, can handle the responsibility that comes with it, and have a partner who is into giving up a bit of control, you might have a dominant side that you just haven’t tapped into yet.
If it feels right to you, follow the tips I’ve given you in this article and ease into dominance play. Just because you’re vanilla doesn’t mean you can’t add a little spice to your sex life.
This post contains affiliate links, including for the Under the Bed Restraint System by Sportsheets. It’s the perfect piece of bondage gear for new doms and dommes. Use the code LOVEEMMA to save 15% on your entire order!
And if you’re in the mood for more kinky stuff, check out the Sensual Domination (Praise, Pampering, and Paddles) episode of my dirty and intimate sex podcast, Pillow Talk With Emma Austin.
