6 Communication Shortcuts I Use for a Better Sex Life
The easiest way to get laid more and have hotter sex
I was getting really frustrated with sexual advice.
Any time I tried to get help with my sex life, I knew I was going to get the same thing.
Articles, blog posts, and Reddit threads could be really useful, but most of them boiled everything down to one single sex tip.
Communication.
You’ve got to communicate with your partner.
If you do, most of your sexual problems will go away. You’ll have way better sex. You’ll talk your way right into the sex life you’ve always dreamed of having.
And it’s not like that’s wrong. You can genuinely solve a lot of sexual problems with better communication. And you can take care of the rest by masturbating more and getting your hormones checked.
But it still bothered me, because communication wasn’t the solution - it was the problem.
Talking about sex was exactly what I was having trouble with.
I could talk about dirty topics. I’d drop sex jokes without hesitating. But I had trouble when it got really personal.
Trying to have a sincere conversation about sex felt awkward. Talking honestly and openly about my desires made me feel embarrassed. There were things I was flat out ashamed to admit. And I didn’t know how to ask what I wanted without feeling like I was being confrontational.
So I kept those things to myself. Or I tried to insinuate and imply things, but I was too subtle about it and they wouldn’t register.
And everywhere I went for help, people were telling me to communicate. But no one was telling me how to make communicating about sex easier.
You’re reading this because I got there eventually. I can talk about sex as easily as anything else - with my husband and with anyone who clicks on my articles.
Partly, that’s because I powered through the embarrassment. I started with small sexual confessions. When those went well, I got brave enough to open up more - until I was sharing everything.
But another thing that helped me a lot was finding communication shortcuts.
Those shortcuts took a lot of the awkwardness out of talking about sex. They made communicating about sex simple and easy, which made it a lot less intimidating.
It helped me and Mr. Austin say things clearly without having to spell out all the details. And the quicker you can say something, the less embarrassing it feels.
They’re so handy that we still use them even though we’re as open as can be.
If you have trouble communicating about sex or just want to make it easier, these are the six shortcuts that helped me get a better sex life.
The Four Sexual Seasons
My husband’s sex drive is as stable as can be. He’s always down for some action and I’m pretty sure if something turns him on now, it’ll still turn him on in a week.
My desires don’t work like that. They’re very much cyclical.
My hormones shift throughout the month and the results are very noticeable. Depending on how you slice it, I’m basically three or four different people.
And it’s especially pronounced because I have PMDD, which means that my low points are especially low.
That complicates things, because I’m not always down for the same things.
I’ll be extremely open to sex for a few days and then get hit with a hormonal shift. All of a sudden, I’d rather pet my cats than have my pussy stroked.
The things that turned me on and made me breathless the day before don’t do it for me anymore. On a really bad month, they’ll actively turn me off.
What makes it really tricky is that I want to be approached differently. I want the flirting to feel less overt. The dirty compliments I normally love make me feel kind of weird. I still want to be touched, but not in a way that feels like it might lead to more.
That puts Mr. Austin in a really tough place. It’s hard for him to know how to approach me when my needs can change so abruptly.
So, we started talking about my hormones and moods in terms of seasons.
It’s something I picked up from a video by Layla Martin, but I’ve tweaked it to fit my specific situation.
When I tell Mr. Austin I’m in my spring, he knows it means I’m at my sexual peak. My mind is in the gutter and it doesn’t take much to turn me on. I’m down for all sorts of action - and the sex is going to be nastier and filthier.
This is when it’s safe for him to call me his dirty little slut, when I’m more likely to give him head, and his odds of fucking or eating my ass are much higher.
It feels fucking incredible. If I had my way, I’d be in my spring every single day.
My summer’s not bad, though. That’s when I’m still sexual but in a more responsive way. I’m open to action, but I need convincing.
That’s the right time for date nights that could turn dirty. It’s when sensual massages might just end the way they do in massage porn. It takes more flirting, more sweet touches, and more sexy praise, but I can get there.
My fall’s pretty much the opposite. When I tell Mr. Austin I’m in my fall, he knows it’s my low point. I’m anxious and bummed out. I want comfort, cuddles, and to spend a couple of hours watching bad TV shows with him.
My winter’s better, but it’s not much sexier. I’m in a good mood, but it’s chill. I want to relax and feel comfortable. My sex drive is low, but I start to feel it coming back. If I do feel like getting down, I’m in total pillow princess mode - I mostly want to lie there and have stuff done to me.
It sounds kind of silly to talk about my moods and hormones as seasons, but it’s made a huge difference. With one word, my husband knows if sex is on the table. He knows what kind of sex I’m probably open to. He gets a sense of what it would take to turn me on. And he knows what I need when it’s not a good pounding.
The Horny Scale
This is something I stole from a Reddit post that blew up on r/sex a few years ago.
And I can see why it was so popular. I started using it as a joke, but it worked so well that I kept using it.
Basically, it’s a five-point scale for ranking how down to fuck you happen to be at the moment.
Being at a one means you’re not open to it at all.
At a two, you’re meh about getting laid.
Three means you’re neutral - it could go either way and you won’t find out until someone puts the moves on you.
At four, you’d be down for some action but probably won’t push too hard for it.
When you’re at a five, you’re very much down to clown. It’s basically a foregone conclusion. You’re either going to fuck or you’re going to masturbate, but one way or another you’ve got some urges to take care of.
And all of that is condensed into one simple number.
Mr. Austin can ask me what my number is and if I tell him I’m at a three, he can decide how to use that information.
I can tell him I’m at a five so he clears his schedule and makes time for some hanky panky.
I can say I’m at a two, so he knows that even though I’m being kind of flirty it probably won’t lead to anything.
It’s simple, easy, and really convenient.
What Kind of Night Is It?
My husband has a shorthand he uses pretty often.
He’ll just ask me what kind of night it is.
That’s vague but I know exactly what he means. He’s really asking if I see any sex in our immediate future.
And all I have to tell him is what kind of night it is.
It could be a mostly vanilla sex night - with a bit of edging of course. Or maybe it’s the kind of night where I need to get tied up and fucked hard.
It could be a massage night - with an open invitation to give me a happy ending.
Sometimes, it’s just a cuddle and movie night.
Other times, it’s a different kind of movie night - I’m down for hardcore porn and mutual masturbation.
It’s a quick way to feel me out when we don’t get to spend a lot of time together. We both work. We have young kids at home. Sometimes we need to get right to the point.
Asking what kind of night it is does exactly that.
The Sex Menu
I hate saying no - even when I don’t want to say yes.
It probably came from growing up in a house where saying no could get you in trouble. And not being comfortable saying no got me in other kinds of trouble once I left.
Now, it makes managing my sex life a little more frustrating than it should be.
Having a low sex drive and wanting to avoid saying no puts me in a really tough position. It means I have to do a lot of rejecting - and then feel terrible about it.
But there are ways to get around it.
The sex menu is one of them.
Instead of proposing naughty stuff that I might say no to, Mr. Austin gives me so many options so I can say yes to something.
The sex menu is different every time, but it’s always filled with good stuff. And he sends it to me by email so I can take all the time I need to choose.
It will have a few things that he probably hopes I pick. Straightforward fucking. Playing around with the newest restraints we got. Putting a collar and leash on me and seeing where that goes. A threesome with one of our torso dolls - or a little roleplaying where I’m the sex doll.
Then there will be a few sexy things that I can get into more easily when I’m not super in the mood. Masturbating together. A pillow princess night that’s almost entrely focused on pleasuring my pussy. A long, sensual pussy massage. That sort of thing.
And there will also be a few things that I would be down for if I don’t want to do anything sexual at all. A regular massage with zero sexpectations. Snacks and a movie. Hanging out on the deck after all the kids have gone to sleep.
Then all I have to do is pick what I want to do that night.
It probably sounds kind of silly, but it makes a surprisingly big difference.
It’s really fun when I’m horny because it helps us get creative. Pretending to be a sex doll isn’t the kind of thing that always occurs to me, but catch me in the right mood and it’s an idea that turns me the fuck on.
It makes it easier for me to get sexual experiences I crave but feel bad asking for. I don’t always ask for pussy massages because it makes me feel kind of selfish. But when he’s the one offering, I can get a perfect little rub down without even a moment of guilt.
And it’s especially good on those nights when I don’t even want my pussy rubbed. Because saying yes to watching a movie feels completely different from saying no to sex.
Label Everything
Every sex move has a name.
Like dovefucking. You probably didn’t know the name for it, but it’s when a lady holds her tit and rubs her nipple against another lady’s pussy.
It’s like a titty pussyjob, basically.
That’s another one - pussyjob. It’s the word for all the different ways a cock can give external stimulation to a pussy.
Kinks too. If something turns you on, it’s got a name.
If you get aroused by compliments, there’s a good chance you have a praise kink. If you’re submissive but defiant, you might be a brat. If you like to fantasize about your partner fucking someone else, that could make you a cuckold or a cuckquean.
Putting a name to everything you like is really helpful.
It makes it so much easier to ask for what you want. And it makes it easier to lay out boundaries for the things you’re not into.
If you don’t know what something is called, google it. If you can’t find an answer, ask the people on the horny side of Reddit.
It can make a surprisingly big difference.
I love being dominated, but there are only some ways of doing it that actually arouse me. A little daddy dom action will do it for me. Pleasure doms get me really hot too.
But anything too aggressive doesn’t do it for me. And even though I consider myself a bit of a brat, I don’t actually respond well to brat taming.
Same with humiliation. I get a real lady boner for it when it’s playful - like making fun of a girl for being horny or doing something a little slutty. But anything that genuinely feels like degradation is going to turn me right off.
Because I have the right labels for all those things, I can ask for them. And if you improve your sex vocabulary, you can easily lay out all the sex acts and kink you want.
Safewords With Nuance
Having a safeword is a really good idea. Having three or four is even better. However many you need for all the changes you might want to ask for during sex.
You should have one for when you want whatever’s happening to stop. Something that will make your partner tap out right away and check in with you.
It’s good to have one for when you just want to switch. Something you can use when it’s getting too intense but you don’t want to stop - you just want your partner to do something different to you instead.
You can also have one for when you want to keep going, but you don’t want it to get any more intense than it is right now. That way, you can push your limits without worrying that your partner is going to push past them.
One for pumping the brakes is a good idea, too. Something that tells your partner you want more of what they’re doing, just less intense. Like softer spanking, gentler hair pulling, or less powerful pounding.
It’s an immediate way to get exactly what you need when you’re in the middle of fucking and it’s a little too tricky to go into too much detail.
Communicate More, Make It Fun, and Fuck Better
Sexual communication intimidated me because it sounded so serious.
It’s like I was supposed to sit down and have a heart to heart with my husband every time I wanted him to start roughing me up a little more in bed or give me a little more verbal encouragement when I was sucking him off.
It seemed so sincere and awkward.
And that’s one of the reasons I love using shortcuts. They’re silly and playful. They make getting what I want out of sex a little more lighthearted.
Because having a deep conversation about my desires isn’t something I want to do every single day.
But I’m definitely down for getting a sex menu I can use to customize my evenings.
So, use whatever works. If you need to come up with shortcuts to communicate, do it.
It’s how I started getting more pussy massages, and it can help you have better sex too.
If you want to mix communication and sex, I highly recommend using a toy that works with the Lovense app - like the Ferri or the Lush. They’re perfect for flirting with a pleasurable edge, teasing while sexting, and making foreplay incredibly playful! Those are affiliate links, by the way. If you click on one and treat yourself to anything from the site, I earn a small commission and you’ll be enjoying some amazing long-distance stimulation!
If you liked this article, you should totally check out the Ride Me on the Rails (Train Sex, the Thickest Dick, and Pulling Out Triumphantly) episode of my dirty and intimate sex podcast, Pillow Talk With Emma Austin!
