How to Have a Good Sex Life When You’re Depressed
It’ll steal your joy - don’t let it take your orgasms
If you’ve never experienced depression, you probably think of it as just being deeply, deeply sad.
And sure, there’s definitely some sadness involved. But that’s not the worst part of it.
I could deal with feeling blue. It would blow, but I bet I could suck it up and get on with myself.
What’s tougher is the way depression makes you lose interest in all the things you love. The way it makes you want to give up on everything.
Which is quite nasty when you think about it, because that’s actually the last thing you should do when you’re depressed.
You won’t be able to get out from under the sad rain cloud that hovers over you unless you do things that make you feel better about yourself. Not things that make you happy, necessarily. But things that make you feel like you accomplished something.
Sex is one of those things. At least, it is for me.
Arousal, desire, and physical pleasure are all things that help me feel normal again. They get me back in touch with my older, not so depressed self.
They’re also one of the first things to go when I’m ankle deep in a depressive episode. Because it feels impossible to get it up for horny shenanigans when I can barely get it up for life.
And it’s not like there’s anything wrong with putting your sex life on pause. Sometimes you just need to do that, especially when you feel like your sparkle is all gone.
It’s normal not to want to fuck when you’re in a deep funk. And some of the meds you use to manage your depression might have sexual side effects that make it really hard to get your mojo going.
But if you’re anything like me, you’ll start to miss your sexy side almost as soon as you lose it. Because going into sad nun mode might not be terrible at first, but it loses its appeal real quick.
Thankfully, it’s not impossible. You can still keep some spicy action going even if you’ve got a lifetime pass for the strugglebus.
Exactly how you do that might depend on your overall feelings about sex, how your desires work, and the specific ways your depression tries to cockblock you. But these are the things that have helped me.
Ramp Up the Non-Sexual Intimacy
Non-sexual intimacy sounds super wholesome, but it’s actually a gateway drug to dirty, filthy, nasty sex.
Getting close to your partner will make you want to get even closer. But it’s more than that. It also helps you feel a lot more comfortable around them. It makes you feel safe to be yourself.
You put your guard down. You become less inhibited. And before you know it, you’re doing things that make you feel like you’ll never be able to step foot inside a church again.
Well, except when you’re depressed. Then you’re a lot less likely to have ultra horny, shameless sex.
But you’ll need your gateway drug more than ever.
If you’ve kind of lost interest in sex, you won’t be able to jump right into it. And some of the stuff that used to get you going might not do it for you now. Getting felt up and casually spanked will probably feel more annoying than playful. The explicit flirting that used to get you hot just feels like too much. Ten minutes of cuddling isn’t nearly enough foreplay anymore.
Until you get your groove back, you’ll have to ease into it a lot more slowly. And that means pulling back on sexual intimacy and spending a lot more time connecting with each other non-sexually.
Instead of date nights that end with enthusiastic facesitting and cowgirl sex, maybe it takes two or three date nights before you’re down for a bit of fun.
Instead of a bunch of flirty, suggestive banter you might need to lie in bed and have some deep conversations.
You’ll probably want to be held a lot - without having it get all handsy.
Basically I found that the more I try to have sex when I’m depressed, the less I want it. So, I don’t. Instead I try to stay emotionally connected to my husband and have lots of quality time with him.
It doesn’t always end with me getting on my knees and letting him have his way with me, but it does help my chances.
Don’t Schedule Sex
I know it sounds like a good idea.
You wish you were getting it on more, but you haven’t been able to make yourself want it. So you figure if you pick a date and time for it, that’ll fix it. Because you might not be hungry for it now, but if you sit down to dinner you should be able to work up an appetite.
Don’t, though. Seriously.
For the love of all that is horny, don’t schedule sex.
I’ve tried it. Everyone with a low sex drive does when they get desperate enough. And it sounds okay on paper.
Some part of you wishes you were getting pounded to bits, so you decide you’re just going to do it. You schedule a dose of vitamin D. If you know it’s coming, you’ll be mentally prepared for it and at least a teensy bit aroused.
Except it doesn’t actually work that way.
Calendars aren’t magic. Scheduling something you don’t fully want to do isn’t going to make you excited for it. It’s just going to stress you out, which isn’t going to help you get in the mood at all.
You might even start dreading it. And associating those negative feelings with getting laid is going to set your libido back instead of pushing it forward.
Go ahead and schedule a date night. Or set some time aside to just be by yourself. But play your arousal by ear. Maybe it happens, maybe it doesn’t. Either way, it’s all good.
Use Plenty of Accelerators
Depression makes your sex drive a lot less spontaneous.
Your brain’s not in a frisky mood, so it won’t be able to come up with a bunch of steamy fantasies for you to get lost in. You won’t be able to think your way into a horny state of mind. Your desires are too numb to be reliable.
Which means you’re going to need some external help - and lots of it.
So use whatever it is that normally makes your heart beat a little bit faster.
Hardcore porn or TV shows with tons of sexual tension. Erotic short stories or spicy romance novels. Movies with plenty of tits and abs or clips of hot guys splitting thick wooden logs on TikTok. Those subreddits where people record themselves talking dirty and masturbating - those are great too.
When you have a hard time getting in the mood, all that external stimulus can be really helpful.
You might have to modify it a bit. I know I do, anyway.
When I’m feeling great, I’m into pretty much anything. I’ll watch cute girls stick all sorts of things in their butts. I’ll get hot reading about rough and dirty fucking. I might even click on a blowbang video if it looks like it’s well shot.
When I’m depressed, I tend to stick to things that are a bit more sensual.
I’ll enjoy some fairly tasteful nudes and lewds. I’ll watch porn with a long storyline so I can really ease into the action. I dip into more girl-on-girl action and anything where I get to see lots of pussy licking and clit rubbing.
Whatever it is, find things that arouse you and give yourself time to indulge in them. Because waiting for your mojo to come back probably won’t work, but watching, reading, and listening to the right things just might.
Have Some Sad Sex
I have two kinds of sex - happy sex and sad sex.
And it’s not just about the mood I’m in - the things I’m into are different.
Happy sex is trying to give the best blowjob I can while I’m cuffed and blindfolded. It’s going face down, ass up and letting whatever happens happen. It’s seeing how many ways Mr. Austin and my sex machine can dick me down at once.
It’s finding creative ways to use the sex furniture. It’s putting on a plaid skirt instead of sweats so I can pretend I’m a schoolgirl when he’s spanking me. It’s wearing a remote control vibrator so I can get so horny I genuinely lose my goddamn mind.
It’s the fucking best.
But I just can’t tap into that when I’m depressed. I can barely even fake it - and it’s not fun when you’re faking it anyway.
So, I stopped trying. When the depression hits, I know all I can have is sad sex.
It’s sex with most of my clothes on. It’s sticking to the spooning position instead of trying three or four different ones. It’s the sweatpants because I can’t play pretend and make myself feel like a curious schoolgirl.
It’s turning off all the lights before we get started. It’s pussy massages and mutual masturbation when that’s all I can manage. It’s using arousal oils because I know I’m going to need them.
It’s good. It’s no happy sex, but it’s still intimate and pleasurable.
If you’re depressed, you might not be down for happy sex anymore - whatever that looks like for you. You might need to find your version of sad sex and stick to that for a while.
And that can honestly be tough to accept. It can bum you out because you feel like you’re compromising. It might feel like you’re fucking wrong because you know you can be so much more fun in the sack.
But having sex you can enjoy is always worth it - even when all you can enjoy is a bit of sad sex.
Give Yourself All the Pleasure You Want
If you want sex but you’re struggling to get there, you might feel like you need to hold back on masturbating.
Don’t do it. It’s a trap.
Don’t be embarrassed, though. Lots of people fall into it.
It’s because it sounds so reasonable. You manage just enough arousal to get the urge to turn on your wand and go to town on yourself. But you tell yourself you shouldn’t waste it. You should hold onto that little bit of horniness so you can have sex with your partner instead.
Except it doesn’t really work that way.
First off, masturbating is never a waste. It’s a jolly good time and you should feel free to indulge in it as much as you want.
Depression also makes it really hard to hold on to any kind of arousal. Trying to save it for later means you’ll probably end up watching something trashy on TLC instead of boning down.
You’re also cheating yourself out of something you could really use.
I find that masturbating helps me feel connected to myself and my body, which can get me in the mood for more.
It’s also an easy way to give yourself a hormonal boost. That’s something every depressed person desperately needs, but it’s also a good way to help your libido in the long run.
And being depressed means the good times are few and far in between. So jump on every orgasm you can get because you deserve at least a little bit of enjoyment.
Try Some New Toys
This is kind of a depression cheat code.
When I’m going through it, I have a really hard time getting horny. I struggle to feel sexy or cute or any of the other things that make me feel like I should really be getting eaten out and fucked. I don’t get deep in my dirty thoughts like I can when I’m feeling better.
But one thing I can do is get curious.
And because of that, it’s often a new sex toy that breaks my gloomy dry spell.
I don’t have to be in the mood to want to know if the curves on an insertable vibrator makes a difference. Depressed me still wants to know if the weird looking sex toy I got will get me off weird too. And it doesn’t matter how low I’m feeling, I still want to know what the silicone suckers on my tentacle dildo are going to feel like.
Getting a new sex toy is exciting no matter what. But when you’ve got low sexual energy, it can be a really good way to trick yourself into getting off - and maybe even getting it on.
Explore a New Kink
Playing out a fantasy you’ve had for a while, roleplaying a new scenario for the first time, or exploring a kink you think you might be into can all kickstart your sex drive.
When I started getting lots of praise while fucking, I started going through the flavored lube very quickly. I kept wanting to be called a good girl - and it sounds so much more sincere when there’s a dick in my mouth.
Playing around with my pillow princess kink turned me on so much I couldn’t wait to turn myself into a human sex doll again.
Getting blindfolded and cuffed felt so fucking right that I spent a while chasing that feeling as often as I could.
That kind of excitement is hard to come by. But if you can get there, you’ll practically be fucking like you’re not even depressed - even though you very much are whenever you’re not in the bone zone.
I personally find this a bit hit or miss. Being depressed makes me less adventurous. I lose interest in exploring new things, so it’s tough to even get myself to play along.
But landing a new kink I love has helped me bypass my sad feelings before, so I know for a fact that it can totally work.
Have a Plan B (and a Plan C)
The best thing you can do for your sex life is to not put any pressure on yourself.
That’s especially true if you’re depressed. Setting expectations for yourself that you can’t might be fine if you’re feeling fine. But when you’re depressed, it just sets you up to feel like a failure.
Pressure is also going to make you even less interested in doing anything sexual. It makes it feel like an obligation or a chore, not some super fun thing you somehow forgot you love doing.
So it’s best to keep everything open ended and tentative.
Have a Plan B ready in case the whole sex thing doesn’t work out. Like watching porn and masturbating together. Or encouraging your partner to get themselves off while you watch and decide whether you want to have a go at it too or just enjoy the show.
And then make sure you have a Plan C in case you’re not in the mood for your Plan B, either. Something totally PG like eating peach slices in bed or playing a few rounds of Skip Bo.
Because sex is amazing, but it’s not essential. It’s fine if it doesn’t work out. And taking the pressure to have sex or have it a certain way is going to remove a bunch of stress that you really don’t need when you’re going through it.
Keep the Semi-Sexy Times Going
Depressed sex kind of sucks.
But that’s because everything kind of sucks when you’re depressed.
You’re basically making the best of a bad situation. And sometimes that means fucking even though you’re bummed out.
It can still be totally worth it, but it’s going to be different than what you’re used to.
You might have to modify the way you have sex. You almost definitely have to change the way you approach it. You might need to focus more on pleasuring yourself than trying to get horned up for a full blown sex-a-thon.
But you don’t have to give up on your sex life if you don’t want to.
If you keep the pressure off and find simple ways to get turned on, you’ll be able to keep fucking under that stupid little rain cloud.
This post contains affiliate links to Girlsway and some other super hot porn sites! If you click on one and treat yourself to a membership, I earn a small commission and you’ll have access to the best smut for kickstarting your stubborn sex drive! And be sure to use the code LOVEEMMA when you sign up to get an amazing deal!
If you liked this article you should totally check out the Controversial Sex Opinions (5 Minute Blowjobs, Cute Cocksucking, and Morning Sex) episode of my dirty and intimate sex podcast, Pillow Talk With Emma Austin!
