This Simple Concept Will Fix Your Sex Life
It’s time to talk about sexpectations
I used to turn down almost every single massage my husband offered me.
Which wasn’t great, because I really, really wanted to get rubbed down.
It’s such a pleasant way to get touched. It’s soothing and relaxing. I can let my mind wander and just enjoy every moment.
He’s decent at it, too. He’s patient enough to do a nice and thorough job. He even studied some tutorials so he could pick up some better techniques.
Plus, my back pain is even more chronic than my cannabis habit. So, getting kneaded is really helpful.
But I still said no.
And not because I felt too self-conscious to take most of my clothes off in front of him.
Not because I didn’t want to take a second shower to rinse all the massage oil off my skin.
I said no because I wasn’t in the mood for any hanky panky. And there’s a part of me that felt like the hanky panky would be part of the deal.
I mean if I was going to get naked, have him touch me all over, and make all sorts of satisfied moany noises, I should really let him get to third base. At the very least, I should let him give me a happy ending or invite him in the shower to wash up with me.
Obviously, I knew I could say no to all that stuff. I could let him work my ass and thighs all he wanted, but make it clear that we wouldn’t be going any further than that.
But whenever I did that, the guilt would nag at me.
I’d feel selfish for taking all that physical attention without giving him more in return. And if it had been a while since I fucked him, that felt like just one more reason to let him take me from rubdown to pound town.
So, I’d take a pass. Because as much as I loved those massages, I hated all the sexpectations that came with them.
It wasn’t just that, either. Some special occasions came with sexpectations. Date nights that were a bit more romantic than usual did too.
Part of it was him. I started to pick up on when he expected to get laid and I could predict when he’d put the moves on me.
But some of it was me. I put a lot of sexual pressure on myself because I felt like I wasn’t being fun and dirty enough. And I didn’t want to be the sexual gatekeeper in my relationship, even though there’s no way my libido could ever keep up with my husband’s pedal to the metal sex drive.
And slowly but surely, that fucked everything up.
I love sex when it’s enthusiastic and passionate. It’s hot as hell when it feels spontaneous. When it’s playful, it’s the best time a girl can have.
But all those sexpectations turned it into something else.
It started to feel more like an obligation - something I was supposed to do, whether I was in the mood for it or not. Instead of knowing my husband wanted me, it felt more like he wanted sex. There was all this unspoken pressure - and nothing kills my lady boner faster than pressure.
It took the thrill out of fucking. It took some of the spark out of my relationship. It made me feel way more frustrated than anyone who lives with their soulmate should ever feel.
And it stayed that way until I really worked things out with Mr. Austin and got rid of all the sexpectations that were holding us back.
It was a massive problem for us, but I don’t actually think that was unusual. Sexpectations are incredibly common. I’d even be willing to bet they’re part of most long-term relationships.
There’s a really good chance they’re part of yours too, even if you don’t fully realize it. And you should absolutely deal with them before it tanks your sex life - or to fix it if it already has.
Here’s what you should do to make sure sexpectations aren’t cockblocking you and cooling off your relationship.
Add It to Your Vocabulary
Sex is kinda messy. Like, emotionally - not just because of all the lube and squirting.
It involves all sorts of complicated feelings that are really hard to explain - things you know on a gut level but can barely put into words. And that makes sexual communication really tricky.
Which isn’t great, because communication is kind of the whole deal. You can’t have great sex without it and you can’t troubleshoot your sex life if you have a tough time expressing your needs.
That’s why I love finding concepts that take all those fuzzy feelings and makes them clear as can be.
Hearing the term New Relationship Energy was a big one for me - that really helped me explain some shit. The moment I read the words “praise kink” a whole bunch of puzzle pieces fell into place, too. Same with brats and pleasure doms - those gave me the language I needed to explain exactly what kind of BDSM I’m into.
But by far, the most important one has been sexpectations.
With that one word, I could finally pinpoint exactly why I wasn’t able to just let go and enjoy all the naughty stuff I loved.
So, you should start using it too.
Make it a concept you use with your partner. That way, you’ll both be able to talk about it openly without having to stumble over your words. And you can figure things out without getting tangled up in a bunch of little misunderstandings.
Check in with your partner to see if there’s anything you’ve been doing that makes them feel like you’re putting sexpectations on them. Those things can be really subtle and totally innocent, so you might not even realize you’ve been doing it.
That’s the way it was for me and Mr. Austin. It’s not like he was intentionally putting pressure on me to put out. He just didn’t really understand the way it was making me feel - and I didn’t exactly know how to communicate it to him, either.
Talking about sexpectations with him also helped me get rid of some of the guilt I had around sex. When we started having those conversations, he could reassure me that he wasn’t expecting me to do anything I wasn’t in the mood for. And we could talk through the pressure I put on myself, which helped me spend less time worrying that I was disappointing him or not doing enough.
So, talk about it and work out your feelings together. That way, you can both get on the same page about your sexual needs.
Throw Out All the Sexpectations
Once you’ve got all those sexpectations out in the open, you should work on getting rid of them.
And I mean all of them. Because honestly, sexpectations have no place in any relationship.
I know that’s kind of controversial, because a lot of people feel like it’s reasonable to expect sex sometimes. Like on anniversaries, at the end of long date nights, or when it’s been a while since you’ve seen each other naked.
But none of the intimate, romantic, and steamy stuff you do together should have to lead to sex.
It most certainly could. And maybe it usually does. But your relationship is only going to stay hot if you approach every single situation knowing that it might not necessarily turn into anything dirty.
When you do that, you start going with the flow instead. When sexy stuff happens, it’s thrilling and pleasurable and amazing. But it’s fine if it doesn’t because you’re still connecting emotionally, getting close physically, and just plain enjoying each other.
That doesn’t have to be disappointing at all. But it’s going to be a letdown if you go into it expecting that it to be a one way ticket to the bone zone.
Sexpectations are no good. They won’t actually get you laid more. They’ll definitely get you laid a lot less. And they’re one of the big reasons some long-term couples stop fucking entirely.
And whoever’s on the receiving end of those sexpectations is going to feel like they need to keep their guard up, like I did with the massages. And that means you’ll never be fully and completely comfortable with each other.
So, get rid of all the sexpectations. It’s always worth it.
Bring Back the Seduction
After you’ve worked through all the sexpectations, you’ve got to figure out what you’re going to replace them with.
Because sex doesn’t just happen. Even when it feels effortless, it only feels that way because you’ve laid some groundwork before getting it on.
So, talk to your partner about what it takes for them to get in the mood - the thing that gets them really excited for all that fucking and sucking.
It could be lots of deep emotional intimacy. It might be thoughtful gestures and sweet compliments. It could be teasing and touching them in ways that leaves them wanting more.
Whatever it is, start giving it to them. Because getting rid of the sexpectations is going to fix your sex life, but it’s flirting and seducing each other that’s going to keep it hot.
Add Some Extra Spice
One of my favorite things about a relationship with zero sexpectations is that you can make it so much steamier.
Because it’s a lot easier to do naughty, flirty, titillating stuff with each other when you both know you can do it without having to go all the way.
So, go ahead and add a bunch of sexy stuff to your relationship. Like cuddling up close and watching softcore porn. Or butt-ass naked full body massages - followed by a couples shower that’s handsy without getting out of hand. Mid-day tit flashes and texting lewds back and forth is really fun too.
You’ll both be way more down for doing stuff like that because the sexpectations are gone. You can say yes to all those things because you know you won’t feel like you have to say yes to more.
That’s going to keep your dynamic really fun and playful. It’s going to create plenty of sexual tension, too. And that’s the best way to keep your sex life active and get way more action.
But even if you don’t, you’re intensifying the sexual energy in your relationship - and that can make it way more satisfying.
Heat Things Up Again
I seriously hate knowing how many couples are struggling because of sexpectations.
Because it’s such an easy fix. All it takes is a bit of communication.
But sexual communication is tough for most people, especially since you can kind of coast without it for a while.
At the start of the relationship, you’re just feeling each other out. You might barely ever talk about sex but still have plenty of it.
Eventually, things cool off. That’s when a few really solid conversations could really turn things around. But it’s really hard to find the language to talk it out. You can barely put your own feelings into words, so it feels like you’re just talking past each other - if you’re even talking about it at all.
And probably all you need is the right word - that one concept that makes it all click and helps you work it all out.
Because when you can talk about the sexpectations, you can work on getting rid of them. And when you get rid of them, you can reconnect sexually.
How that looks is going to be different for every couple.
You might start fucking like rabbits again.
You might get comfortable enough to experiment with some amazingly filthy kinks.
You might bring the spark back.
Or it might just mean a lot more naked massages - and that alone is pretty damn hot.
If you liked this article, you should totally check out the Rub Me Down and Get Me Off (Massage Porn, Happy Endings, and Goopy Nuru Gel) episode of my dirty and intimate sex podcast, Pillow Talk With Emma Austin!
