I Nuked My Personal Social Media Accounts (And I’ve Never Been Happier)
Create a sexy alt account and live the life you want
Remember when social media was fun?
I’m not surprised if you don’t. It didn’t last long at all.
MSN Messenger was fucking awesome, but it was awesome because it was private.
I used the family computer to log on, but it’s how I got away from my family life.
When I was typing in that window, I didn’t have to worry about what my parents would think. I didn’t have to be too careful about what I said - or how I said it.
I could spend hours having honest conversations with my friends and guys I liked. And it was better than being on the phone because my parents couldn’t overhear any of it.
I got to be myself and I didn’t even have to leave the house. It was amazing.
Then everyone started getting Facebook accounts and it was even better. You could see what everyone was sharing. You could show off or just lurk around.
It was open but semi-private, like being in the high school cafeteria. We could all be our stupid, silly selves and our parents didn’t have to know any of the details.
Then literally everyone got on Facebook and it all went downhill very quickly.
Getting a friend request from one of your cousins wasn’t too bad. But then you got one from your nosy aunt who was a little too excited about having a brand new way to get into everyone’s business. Then it was your uncle who thinks he’s way cooler than he really is.
They got your mom to make a profile and that was bad news.
And once you got a friend request from your grandma, you knew it was over.
Now you had to be careful about what you posted. It didn’t feel open and free - it just felt like you were being watched.
It was worse than trying to have a private phone conversation while your parents were in the room. It was like being on the phone in the middle of a family reunion.
Fuck that.
Having a personal social media account got boring and frustrating, so I opted out. I nuked that shit a long time ago, never looked back, and haven’t regretted it for one second.
If You’re Gonna Be Horny, It Might As Well Be on Main
Everyone’s horny.
Well, okay. Not everyone. But a lot of us have a sexual side and we don’t want to keep it bottled up.
Pretending that your sexy side is only for you and your current or future partner feels way too old fashioned.
Sexuality is good. It’s fun to be horny. And keeping all of it repressed, bottled up, and fully private can get really frustrating.
It’s taking a big part of you and treating it like it should be small.
Who you are online is a big deal because you’re going to spend a lot of time being that person.
And at the very least, that person should feel like your real self.
That’s way more satisfying than spending all your time curating your online activity because your family members, coworkers, or judgy half-friends could see it. Or because you’re worried about what employers might think or whatever.
That’s no way to live.
That’s why I highly recommend blowing it all up. Create an alt account and use it like it was your main account.
Give yourself a fun name like Cucumber Joe, Maggie Jillin’off, or Emma Austin. Then go nuts.
Tell whatever jokes you want to tell. Share whatever you want to share. Follow the people you want to follow, not the people you feel obligated to follow.
Be yourself and make connections that feel more genuine because they’re based on who you really are.
Follow hot girls who show off their gorgeously fat asses. Like photo after photo of muscular guys who grip their hard-ons so tightly it’s amazing the head doesn’t turn purple. Comment thirsty stuff on those accounts where people just post nasty kinky dirty talk.
Post your own tits, dick, or ass if you’re in the mood for it. Because it’s fun and why not?
It’s not just about sex stuff, obviously. You should still follow writers you like, share your weird little hobbies, and just hang out and enjoy funny posts.
But you can do all that while also being a sweet little cutie, a wholesome perv, a thirsty bondage fiend, an exhibitionistic compliment whore. And that’s the real beauty of living life on your alt account.
Nuke It Gently - But Still Nuke It
I deactivated my Facebook account a while back. I wasn’t getting anything that I actually wanted out of it.
You don’t have to go that far. Keep your personal accounts if you want. Just don’t bother being super active on them.
Post pics of your kids or whatever, but save the good stuff for your alt. Tell anyone who asks that you’re just not all that active on social media.
That gives you the space to be exactly who you want to be, and that’s a great thing.
No toxic family members weaseling their way back into your life.
No subjecting yourself to your uncle’s unhinged takes on global politics.
No forced online small talk with your boring aunts.
No weird comments on your post by your cousin who is convinced that lizard people are behind Covid.
Just a nice little space you can escape to, where everyone’s funny, hot, or both. Where you can block whoever you want without getting an uncomfortable text from your mom about it. Where there’s going to be drama but you can peacefully ignore all of it if you want.
But mostly, a space with lots of tits and ass for you to drool over.
So go ahead and create a fun sexy alt, then burn down your main account. It’s totally worth it. Because you’ll never get the pleasure of truly being yourself online until you can log on as Cucumber Joe.
If you liked this article, you should totally check out the Unsolicited Sexual Advice (Rating Dicks, Next Level Anal, and Daddy Dom 101) episode of my dirty and intimate sex podcast, Pillow Talk With Emma Austin!
And also check out my Seinfeld sex podcast, What’s The Deal With Fucking?
