There Should Be Lots and Lots of Masturbation in Your Relationship
Be open about it and do it often
Most people are incredibly chill about masturbation. It’s perfectly natural. It’s fun. It’s harmless.
Until they’re in a relationship. That’s when people tend to get kind of weird about it.
Not their own masturbation. Most people feel perfectly fine about jilling and jerking off whenever they’re in the right mood and have enough privacy.
It’s when they think about their partner getting themselves off that they start to feel a bit uncomfortable.
I was still in high school the first time I noticed this. I was hanging out with some friends and we somehow got on the topic of jerking off. They were all in agreement - none of their boyfriends should be doing it.
They argued that touching themselves and watching porn was insulting. Their dudes should be saving all of that sexual energy for them.
I hate confrontation, so I stayed quiet. But I couldn’t agree. I just couldn’t see the harm in a little harmless jacking. Plus, weren’t we all masturbating and watching porn between dates and hookups?
I figured it was just one of those weird teenage attitudes that we’d all grow out of in a few years.
So imagine my disappointment when I kept encountering married people who still made a big deal about their partners masturbating.
There are some people who are just plain insecure about it. They don’t know why the thought of their partner giving themselves a bit of self-love bothers them - it just does.
Others feel inadequate, like the fact that their partner gets themselves off means they’ve failed to satisfy them sexually.
There are some people with low sex drives who feel hurt when their partner decides to take matters into their own hands instead of waiting around for them to get turned on.
Lots of people with high sex drives feel resentful if their partner wants to get themselves off instead of giving them some action.
And quite a few married dudes will even white knight their way into a no fap situation. They’ll insist that they don’t need to masturbate because their married sex life is just way too fucking good or whatever.
It’s all very silly.
But I have to admit that I’ve been in the exact same boat.
I once walked in on my husband masturbating and it really upset me. I was a big mess of feelings that I didn’t know how to process. So, I didn’t. I shoved them down and never said a word about it.
I felt even worse about my own masturbation habits, though.
I dealt with a very low sex drive for long stretches of time. I’ve even veered into sexless marriage territory.
The funny thing about having a low libido, though, is that it doesn’t always completely die. Sometimes it just dies down.
It gets so faint that you don’t want to have sex. You don’t want to be seen naked. You don’t want to be touched or go through all the trouble of getting aroused enough to get fucked.
But it’s not so low that you have absolutely no sexual urges. They’re just dim.
So, you masturbate. Because it’s easy. Because it relieves a lot of physical tension. Because you don’t need to get yourself all worked up to enjoy it.
Jilling off is what kept me sane when my low sex drive bummed me out. It was just as therapeutic as it was pleasurable. But I did it in complete secrecy because I felt so fucking bad about it.
I had a husband that I loved profoundly and found attractive. He still desired me and I wished I could bring myself to fuck him more often. But I couldn’t. No matter how hard I tried to get in the mood, it would just be a whole lot of wasted effort that ended in cuddles instead of sex.
So, every time I loaded a clip on Pornhub and stuffed a vibrator between my thighs to give myself a quick orgasm, I felt guilty for getting myself off instead of straddling him and riding his cock.
When I think back to those years, I barely recognize us. Not just because we’re having a lot more sex now, but because we’re extremely open about our masturbation habits. And it’s done wonders for our lives and our relationship.
One Dirty Audio File Is All It Took
Our attitude to masturbation changed out of the blue.
I had been having flirty conversations with another guy and it gave me lots of frisky energy. It made me feel very playful and eager to try all sorts of new things.
One night, Mr. Austin decided to stay up late to get some work done. I laid in bed by myself, trying to fall asleep.
No luck. My mind was racing. I was way too restless to doze off.
I considered calling him up so we could make the best of the late night, but I knew he was busy. I didn’t want to fuck up his evening.
I decided to jill off instead. I grabbed my vibrator and my phone from the nightstand. But this time, I didn’t use my phone to browse Pornhub. I got the urge to record myself instead.
I hit the record button, laid the phone next to me on the pillow, and captured all the sounds I let out while I was making myself come.
When I played it back, I was surprised at how good it was. The audio was clearer than I thought it would be. It captured my quiet breathing, the way it got heavier and louder as I got closer to coming, and the moans and shudders I let out while trying to keep my orgasms quiet.
Listening to it was really fucking hot. So hot that I couldn’t help sharing it.
I sent the file to my husband so he could listen to my multiple orgasms at his leisure.
After playing it, he asked me a simple question. “Do you record yourself often?”
I told him that was my first time, but that question launched us into a bigger, broader conversation.
We talked about how often we masturbate, how we do it, and where we go to get it done.
I confessed that I missed masturbating more often - that I wish I had a bit more privacy to do it.
Eventually, he told me that he wished he didn’t have to sneak away to the bathroom to jerk off. He was jealous that I got to do it in the comfort of our bed.
And that was it. From that point on, it was out in the open. We could talk to each other about pleasuring ourselves.
At first, it just felt refreshing. It was a relief to be able to talk about it without feeling embarrassed.
Then it started changing the way we get off.
Open Masturbation Means Better Masturbation
Talking about our masturbation habits more openly means that we can get ourselves off so much better than we ever could before.
It put all the fun and excitement back in it.
Sneaky masturbation is all about release. It’s a quick jill to relieve sexual tension or a fast jerk until you blow your load.
It feels great - coming always does. But it’s not nearly as fun as taking your time.
Being able to tell my husband that I want to get myself off means that I can lock the door and know that I won’t be interrupted for a while.
I can spend an hour watching porn if I really want to get in the mood.
I can use as many toys as I want. I don’t have to just shove a vibrator down my pants and grind it until I’m done. I can use different vibrators so I can enjoy all sorts of different sensations. I can fuck myself with a dildo and make myself come a few times with it. If I’m in the mood for a little anal action, I can work a buttplug into my ass to give myself stronger, more intense orgasms.
I can even decide to set up my sex machine and let it really work me over.
It doesn’t matter because I can have as much time as I want. I get to enjoy every sensation. I can lose myself in a fantasy and lean into all the pleasure I can give myself. I can make my jilling session as simple or as elaborate as I want it to be.
It made masturbation exciting again. It made it sensual, multiorgasmic, and full of variety.
It doesn’t feel like a compromise anymore. Not at all.
Being really open about getting ourselves off also means we could invest in it properly.
Instead of getting whatever porn we can find on tube sites, we can actually pay for the kind of porn we really want to watch.
I can sub to OnlyFans girls that really turn me on. We can get memberships to porn sites that have the kinds of scenes that really help us get off.
It doesn’t matter if it shows up on the credit card because we both know we’re treating ourselves to some good wanking material.
It’s the same with sex toys.
I can have multiple vibrators, dildos, butt toys, and whatever else I want.
Mr. Austin can load up on Fleshlights, Tenga strokers, and whatever else he wants to stick his dick into.
We can even take turns fucking a sex doll, because we don’t need to use anything discreet if we don’t have to.
Getting off on the cheap is fine. But treating ourselves to all that extra pleasure has been completely fucking worth it.
Give Yourself All the Love You Want
Mostly, though, being open and candid about our masturbation habits just feels right.
It took all of the shame out of self-pleasure. Now it’s nothing but fun. We can talk about it casually. We can get excited about it. We can ask for what we need so we can enjoy ourselves more.
It’s weird to think that we were so open that we could undress in front of each other. We could fuck each other in all sorts of positions. He could lick my pussy, I could suck his cock, he could fuck my ass. The whole shebang. But then we somehow felt the need to tiptoe around each other just to touch ourselves.
And sure, in theory it sounds great to exclusively have sex whenever you want to get off. But it’s really not that simple.
Your partner isn’t always available. When they are, you might not quite have the libido for the whole rigmarole involved, even to just bang out a quickie.
Sometimes, you’re really excited to watch a hot porn scene you found or play with one of your sex toys.
Other times, you just crave a little bit of masturbation. It’s just a fun thing to do once in a while. You get to explore your body, give yourself very specific kinds of pleasure, and just lose yourself in a fantasy. It’s not as good as sex, but if you go too long without it you’ll definitely start to miss it.
I’m a big advocate for masturbating even if you’re in a relationship. You should do it and do it often - seriously, it’s really fucking fun.
And being open about it is going to make your relationship feel stronger and more intimate. You’ll get to express yourself sexually.
You don’t even have to record yourself coming to make it happen. But you should definitely talk about it. Be open. It’s so much more fun when you are.
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If you liked this post, you should totally check out the My Clit Sucking Conversion (Orgasmic Exorcisms and Masturbating to Failure) episode of my dirty and intimate sex podcast, Pillow Talk With Emma Austin
