The Real Reason She's Not as Sexual as She Used to Be
And what you can do about it
I heard it all the time growing up. Women lose interest in sex.
Married women joked about it. Married men complained about it. But they all seemed to agree that it’s just a thing that happens.
Girls settle down, get hitched, and even the horniest freak stops putting out.
And I’m not saying that never ever happens. It very much does. Pretty often, too.
In fact, it’s practically a script.
You fell for her because she was sweet, interesting, and had all this sexual energy.
She wanted you to pound her hard and pound her often, and that helped you form a bond that was as deep as the penetration.
You liked a lot of other things about her, obviously. She was the whole package. But the dirty, intense sex made her seem especially fun. And it made an extremely strong case for committing to her and sticking it out for the long haul.
Great gal. A strong physical connection. Awesome sex. Gotta lock it down so you can enjoy that for years and years to come.
But then the years come - and you don’t. Not nearly as often as you hoped you would, anyway.
Somewhere along the way, something changed. She’s not nearly as interested in sex as she used to be. If you get any at all, it’s pretty damn rare.
You try not to let it get to you, but you can’t help it. You miss her, even though she’s right there with you. When you think about it too much, you start feeling helpless and frustrated.
Because it plays out like a really familiar script, it’s easy to assume that you can’t do much about it. Women lose interest in sex and that’s all there is to it.
And depending on the reason, that might be true.
If she’s on medication that keeps her functioning but slows down her sex drive, has a chronic health condition that messes up her hormones real bad, or discovered that she’s asexual and really doesn’t care about sex all that much, there’s not much you can do to get her back into it.
But most of the time, the reason is a whole lot simpler than that.
If she’s not as sexual as she used to be, it’s probably because you’re not not as sexual as you used to be either.
When things were hot and heavy, it wasn’t because she had a strong free-floating desire for sex and you just happened to be there to give it to her. She wanted it because your dynamic got her in the mood. She wanted you because you did things that made her want you.
When those things slowed down, so did her interest in sex. And if you bring them back, there’s a decent chance the spark will come back too.
Every relationship is different, but there are definitely some patterns. These are some of the common ways guys tend to get less sexual over time - and why it brings down their partner’s interest in getting filthy and physical.
The NRE Faded - And Nothing Replaced It
Sexual desire is a lot easier at the start of the relationship. Most things are, really.
Polyamorous people have a really useful term for that - New Relationship Energy.
It’s the mix of novelty, mystery, and hormones that makes everything about your new partner seem so exciting. The way they walk, the sound of their voice, how they look when they’re concentrating on something - everything.
That NRE is why sex comes so naturally at first - and why it comes so often.
She’s still getting a little flustered around you. She’s nervously trying to make a good impression on you whenever you’re together. You just have to text her out of the blue to make her feel special. You’re always on her mind, even when you’re not around.
That makes getting into her pants a breeze. She’s already halfway out of them by the time you whisper something in her ear.
But at some point, the relationship isn’t so new anymore and the NRE starts to fade The hormones aren’t firing as hard as they used to, she doesn’t blush as soon as you say something suggestive, and squeezing her hips doesn’t make her instantly wet the way it used to.
It doesn’t mean your sex life is over. It just means you have to ramp things up to keep it going. You’ll need to put in extra work to make her feel wanted and get her in the mood.
But chances are you’re actually putting in less work into getting laid than you used to. Because the NRE goes both ways, and it cooled off for you too. When it did, you stopped paying as much attention to her, eased back on the flirting, and aren’t spending as much time spoiling her.
Which is totally normal. The effortless infatuation can’t last forever.
And it doesn’t have to. Once it fades, you can still get laid on the regular. You just have to put in more effort than you used to.
You’ll have to plan sexy date nights with her. You’ll have to look up some massage techniques and offer her plenty of sensual rubdowns. Mostly, you’ll have to be attentive and bring back the flirting - lots and lots of flirting.
The Passion Cooled Off
If you want her to be all sexy with you, you’ve got to bring the passion.
Doing that is going to help her feel cute and desirable. It will make you seem more attractive, too. It won’t give her NRE, but it can definitely remind her of how it felt to have it.
So yeah, passion is a really big deal. But I’ve noticed that a lot of guys don’t even realize when it’s gone.
They think they’re still bringing tons of passion because they want sex and they want it real bad.
But that’s not actually the same thing. There’s a huge difference between being sexually passionate and feeling really passionate about getting laid.
And trying to get sex without the passion usually goes very wrong.
That’s how guys end up insisting that she should be giving it up instead of trying to seduce her. Some of them will practically beg or plead for her to put out. The really frustrated ones will be passive aggressive about it.
None of those are sexy moves and all of them will backfire. Instead of putting her in the mood or making her realize she could go for some hanky panky, they just make her lose interest in sex even more.
It’s All Physical Now
I’ve been looking for ways to fire up my libido for more than ten years. And one piece of advice I used to see regularly was basically telling women to just go ahead and have sex anyway, even if they don’t want it.
The idea was that sex feels good. So if she spreads her legs and lets it happen, she’ll be reminded of how pleasurable and exciting it is. Eventually, she’ll get into it.
Which is gross, right?
And it doesn’t work at all. Sex you don’t want never, ever feels good. She’s not going to suddenly change her mind and get super turned on when she feels the sixth or seventh thrust.
Thankfully, I don’t think most people are pushing this idea anymore. But a lot of guys in long-term relationships believe something similar - that all they have to do is give her a bit of physical pleasure and it should get them somewhere.
Squeeze her hips. Give her a backrub that keeps going lower and lower. Touch her most sensitive spots. And wham, bam, she’ll be as horny as can be.
But physical intimacy isn’t going to be enough to turn her on - not without all the mental and emotional stuff that needs to be in place too.
She needs teasing and anticipation. She needs to be confident and comfortable. She needs to feel safe enough to let her dirty, fun side out.
Without those things, she’ll have a really hard time getting in the mood - no matter how well you’re touching her.
Her Sex Drive Became a Problem
Talking to your partner about sex is definitely a great idea.
Having open conversations about what you’re into, asking her what she needs to get turned on, working out a way to approach your different levels of desire - it’s all super helpful and will do wonders for your relationship.
A bit of pillow talk about your preferences, fantasies, and turn-ons can even get you laid more. Because yeah, it’s just a conversation. But it’s a conversation that can sometimes turn into foreplay and gentle dirty talk.
Unless the conversation always comes back to the fact that she doesn’t want sex. Or doesn’t want it enough.
Dwelling on that isn’t going to get you any action. Actually, it’s probably going to get you even less than you’re getting now.
Treating her sex drive like a problem that has to be fixed changes the tone of your sex talk.
It makes sex feel like a project instead of something she can actually get excited about. Instead of treating it like the sweet, filthy, pleasurable experience it’s supposed to be, it just becomes a thing she’s expected to do.
Framing her libido as a problem is supposed to get her to work on it, to try whatever she can to get hornier, and to fix whatever is keeping her from wanting to fuck. But it doesn’t do any of that. It just makes things worse.
Because approaching her sex drive like a puzzle she has to solve puts a bunch of pressure on her, which never helps. And treating her like she’s broken for not wanting enough sex is going to make her feel a whole lot less desirable, appreciated, and understood. Which isn’t going to make her eager for a roll in the hay.
Get Back to the Basics
It could be a hormonal imbalance. It could be an underlying medical condition that hasn’t been diagnosed yet. It could be something going on with her body that’s keeping her from wanting it.
But in a lot of cases, that’s wishful thinking.
Because if it’s just a physical issue, there’s probably a simple fix. She just has to pop a pill, use a cream, or get on the right prescription and she’ll become the horny girl of your dreams.
And yeah, lots of people’s hormones are out of whack. But chances are it’s not a physical problem at all. Most likely, the conditions she needs to get in the mood just aren’t there anymore.
So if you want her to become more sexual, all you have to do is be more sexual too.
Give her plenty of attention and emotional intimacy. Learn to speak her love languages. Work on your appearance and bust out the charm like you were still dating her. Flirt with her, compliment her, and make her feel attractive.
It won’t happen overnight and it’s going to take a lot of relationship maintenance. But if there’s any libido left in her body, you’ll get that spark back.
This post contains affiliate links to some excellent Warming Massage Gel and the Orgasm Glow libido enhancer. If you click on one and treat yourself to anything from the site, I earn a small commission and you’ll get a few things that will make it easier for her to get in the mood! And be sure to use the code LOVEEMMA at checkout to save 20% on your entire order!
If you liked this article, you should totally check out the Treat That Clit Right (Clit Balms, Liquid Vibrators, and the Right Way to Rub It) episode of my dirty and intimate sex podcast, Pillow Talk With Emma Austin!
