Sorry, But Her Vagina Can’t Suck You Off

Too bad, though

Pussy is truly amazing.

I’m a huge fan. One of the best things out there. Ten out of ten all the way.

But even pussy has its limits.

And one of those limits is that it can’t suck you off.

That’s not something I thought I’d ever have to say, but here we are. And it’s all thanks to bad sex ed, weirdos who haven’t touched grass in ages, and a tweet by a big ol’ pile of red flags who goes by the name The Titans Vision.

Yep, you read that right (screenshot by author)

See, according to this armchair sexologist a woman’s pussy behaves very differently when she’s in love with a guy.

Normally, it’ll just sit there and wait for a proper dickdown. Until she’s in love, then “as soon as her genitals reach the man’s, she silently sucks up his organ within herself.”

She doesn’t just lie there and take a pounding like a sexy starfish. Instead, she lies there and sucks his cock into her - like an alien starfish.

Her pussy isn’t going to hoover you up gently, either. It’ll give it to you so hard that “The man has no need to make any effort.”

If she loves you enough, you won’t have to move your hips or thrust or anything. Just lie on top of her and let her hungry hole gobble you right up.

And honestly, that sounds weirdly hot. Strange as all hell, sure. But weirder things have turned me on.

Too bad it’s not real.

Pussy Magic

I hate to admit it, but there’s a tiny kernel of truth somewhere in that tweet.

You have to squint really hard to see it - preferably through a microscope. You’ve got to read between the lines for it to make any kind of sense. I don’t know, maybe you have to put it there yourself.

But if this guy who has totally touched a woman before is right about one thing, it’s that vulvas and vaginas do some really cool things when they’re really aroused.

Blood rushes to them so they’re extra sensitive and capable of incredible pleasure.

Natural lubrication kicks in and makes things wet and slippery, which is incredibly convenient.

You might not know about tenting, but that happens too. It’s when the cervix moves up and the vagina gets longer, which allows for deeper and more comfortable penetration.

And if you’re banging someone who has mastered her kegel muscles, her pussy can even contract and give your cock a squeeze.

It won’t suck it, though. No matter how aroused she gets, her pussy won’t be able to give you any sloppy toppy - or uh, sloppy bottomy.

If you want suction, you’ll have to get it the old fashioned way - by getting your dick between her other lips.

Which is all good. Because you can still have plenty of fun with pussy that won’t blow you.

You don’t even have to make her fall in love with you to enjoy it at its best. Sure, a touch of true love can help unleash some of that pussy magic. But trust me when I say her pussy can go wild for someone she’ll delete from her phone after a night of flirting, fucking, and old fashioned mouthsucking.

And honestly, I think that’s what scares this guy.

Just look at the tweet that started this thread. This suction theory is part of his explanation for why you should never, ever waste your time with promiscuous women.

Bro doesn’t understand how hashtags work (screenshot by author)

Behind that angry eagle is a scared little guy who’s so insecure that he’s paranoid of having a partner who already performed her best pussy tricks with someone else.

I mean, think about it. Who knows how many guys she blowjobbed with her vagina before he came along.

And now he’s expected to do the thrusting instead of getting sucked into her garden of forbidden delights. That’s fucked up.

So to reassure himself, he tweets out a vaginal vore fever dream.

That way, he can tell himself he’s the most special little dude. He’s the only one who ever managed to make her heart flutter. And he can know that for sure - if he wasn’t her best, he wouldn’t be getting a slurpjob between her legs.

That, or he’s got a monster fetish. Tough to say.

A Different Kind of Pussyjob

The Titan Vision really floored me. I don’t think I’ve seen a tweet with this much virgin energy before.

It’s impressively wrong on oh so many levels.

Which is a shame. Because it would be really cool if he was right.

If I could turn my pussy into a blowjob machine, I’d do it in a heartbeat. It would be my favorite new party trick.

Sadly, those tweets are just the ramblings of a rando crank. So I guess I’ll just have to keep fucking with my pussy, sucking with my mouth, and making my husband do some of the work even though I love him dearly.

This post contains affiliate links to the Lovense Max 2. If you click on one and treat yourself to anything from the site, I earn a small commission and you’ll be treating your dick to some great stimulation!

If you liked this article, you should totally check out the Boy’s a Liar (Tight Condoms, So-So Blowjobs, and Jellybean Pussy) episode of my dirty and intimate sex podcast, Pillow Talk With Emma Austin!