The One Thing Almost Everyone Gets Wrong About Asexuality
Asexuals can still want sex - and lots of it
There are a lot of people who are asexual and don’t even realize it.
Until recently, I was one of them.
And I know that probably sounds weird. You’d think being asexual would be really obvious - that you could tell right away.
But it’s not. Not always anyway. So a lot of people only piece it together in their twenties or thirties - if they ever figure it out at all.
That’s because very few people actually understand what it means to be asexual.
I even hesitate to write about it because it’s hard for me to put every aspect of it into words. But I know I have to because it still takes some explaining.
I know it does because I routinely see discussions of asexuality where people get it wrong.
I’ve seen people assume that asexuals never want to have sex or be in any kind of romantic relationship.
Or question someone’s asexualtiy because they’re in a sexual relationship.
Lots of people will get confused when they hear about an asexual person who likes to masturbate.
And it’s all because of the same misconception. People think asexuality is about sex when it’s really about attraction.
Sexual Attraction Is More Confusing Than You Think
Most people don’t have a really clear understanding of what sexual attraction is.
We all think we do. But it’s actually a really messy concept.
For most people, that messiness is not a problem. You feel some kind of attraction to someone and you also want to have sex with them. So, that’s got to be sexual attraction doing its thing.
Easy. Simple. No need to keep thinking about it.
Unless your pattern of attraction doesn’t quite line up with the way it seems to work for most people.
That’s when you start asking questions you’ve never heard anyone ask before. You start doing a whole lot of introspection. You start analyzing what attraction is like for you - and whether you actually feel sexual attraction the same way other people do.
Do that enough and you start to realize that you never really understood what sexual attraction meant.
Most asexual people learn to get really specific about it. They’ve spent so long picking apart the concept of attraction because they wanted to understand how theirs worked - or didn’t.
Because there are plenty of ways to be attracted to someone, and most of them don’t have to be sexual.
There’s romantic attraction - the sheer desire to be intimate with someone. You just want to be close to them, share some of your life with them, and get all cuddly and sweet - just not necessarily in a sexual way.
Physical attraction is similar. You feel the urge to be touchy feely with someone. You want to get close to them and you want it to involve a lot of touching and physical affection.
Then there’s aesthetic attraction. That’s the feeling I get from seeing cute girls in adorable outfits. I can’t stop looking at them. I’m drawn to them. I might even wish they were around me so I could admire them some more.
For most people, sex gets mixed in with a lot of those feelings.
Having romantic urges for someone, physically desiring them, or being floored by their looks comes with at least a very slight inclination to wanting to fuck them. Like, maybe it crosses your mind.
For asexual people, that’s what’s missing - that feeling of wanting to fuck someone because you’re intensely drawn to them.
They can still love sex. They can still get the desire to fuck. But when they do, it’s not sexual attraction that got them there.
Strolling Past the Sex Bakery
I didn’t know I was asexual because I had never come across that concept before.
Unless you count all the talk about wives losing interest in their husbands after being settled down for too long, I just assumed sexual attraction and desire was something everyone felt.
When I actually learned about asexuality, I still didn’t think it applied to me.
I loved sex. I even went out of my way to get it. I had horny, sexual urges. I was sexual - not asexual.
Then I started learning about asexuality in a deeper, more nuanced way. I learned about people who felt sexual desire without feeling any sexual attraction.
But even at that point, it didn’t really register with me.
I’ve felt drawn to people before and wanted to fuck them. I love porn and watching it turns me on. I love staring at hot people and get especially excited when I can see them take their clothes off.
I figured that meant I felt sexual attraction.
But then my sex life got so confusing and frustrating that I had to start taking a really close look at myself.
My sex drive crashed hard. So hard that I ended up in a sexless marriage.
And none of it made any sense.
I was deeply in love with Mr. Austin. I had strong urges to be close and physically intimate with him. On the rare occasions that we did have sex, it was super pleasurable and multiorgasmic.
Then I started getting more sexual - but not with him.
My sexual urges were back but I was fine masturbating them away. I got into porn again and it turned me on but it didn’t always make me want to fuck - not when riding my vibrator was so much easier.
Our relationship got stronger. The sex got better, more playful, and kinkier. And I still felt a real disconnect between wanting him and wanting sex.
Something just wasn’t adding up.
It only really clicked when I came across the bakery analogy.
Someone described sexual attraction as the same kind of reaction you get from walking past a bakery and getting hungry when you’re hit with the delicious smell.
I’m very familiar with that when it comes to bakeries. I can’t walk past one without wanting to stop and pick up freshly baked bagels.
With sex, not so much.
I feel all kinds of attraction to Mr. Austin. I have strong urges to be close to him and feel him touch me. I crave physical intimacy with him on a very regular basis.
It’s just that none of that attraction turns into sexual desire.
It’s like he’s handing me a pan of croissants straight from the oven and they all look great, smell delicious, and seem extremely appetizing - but I’m not even tempted to take a bite.
It’s Always Sexual Desire First, Never Attraction
My sex life isn’t dead or anything like that. It just doesn’t run on attraction - at least, my end of it doesn’t.
If I get happy to be horny, I’ll glady and enthusiastically fuck my husband.
If I’m feeling tense and pent up, I’ll absolutely be down for one of his amazing pussy massages.
If I’m just kind of bored and feel like I could go for some sexual stimulation and orgasms, I’ll let him put the moves on me and see where it goes.
Basically if I get independently horny or feel in the mood for sex, I love satisfying those desires with him. But it’s not my feelings of attraction to him that turn me on or make me want to have sex.
Because sexual attraction is the kind of attraction I don’t really feel.
It’s always been like that. When I look back on all the sex I had, it was for all sorts of reasons. But I don’t know that sexual attraction was ever one of them.
I’ve had the urge to fuck someone so I could get closer to them - to deepen the intimacy I felt.
I’ve fucked because I was horny and getting laid is a good way to get off.
I’ve done it because it was a reliable way to get the physical and emotional intimacy I was craving.
I’ve had sex because I loved someone and making them feel good was intoxicating.
And sex is really fun. Sometimes, it’s as simple as that.
When I do want sex, it’s going to be with someone I feel attracted to. But being attracted to someone has never been enough to make me want to have sex with them.
And understanding that has been really fucking helpful.
That’s why I wish more people had a better understanding of asexuality.
Because it really is a spectrum.
There are asexuals who are sex repulsed - they have zero interest in sex and hate the thought of bumping uglies. There are some who are sex favorable - they enjoy having sex even if they wouldn’t ever go out of their way for it.
And there are little asexual messes like me, who keep shifting along that spectrum.
Sometimes, I’m practically sex repulsed. On a pretty regular basis, I go aegosexual - loving my porn and sexy fantasies but wanting nothing to do with any sex that involves me. Other times, I get so horny that I’m eager for all kinds of action.
And if I had understood all of that sooner, I could have avoided a lot of terrible anxiety worrying that there was something wrong with me.
I could have made more progress on improving my sex drive instead of trying fixes that would be complete dead ends for anyone who doesn’t feel sexual attraction.
I could’ve helped my husband understand why I was struggling to feel the urge to have sex with him - and why it didn’t mean I wasn’t attracted to him.
At the very least, I could have fully enjoyed my porn and masturbation habits without feeling so much guilt about it.
But for more asexual people and their partners to understand just what is going on in their sex lives, we have to let go of the idea that being asexual means having zero interest in fucking. Sometimes, it just means you can’t smell the sexual croissants.
When you don’t feel sexual attraction, boosting your sex drive is one of the best ways to improve your sex life. And one way to do that is with Orgasm Glow libido supplements. That’s an affiliate link, by the way. If you click on it and treat yourself to anything from the site, I earn a small commission and you’ll be getting what you need to enjoy more and better sex!
If you liked this article, you should totally check out the A Lil’ Chat About Pubic Hair (Cute Bushes, Shaved Balls, and Dick Mullets) epsiode of my dirty and intimate sex podcast, Pillow Talk With Emma Austin!
