14 Common Mistakes Men Make in Bed
And how to avoid every single one of them
I’ve had more great sex than bad sex in my life. But I’ve definitely had more bad sex partners than good ones.
Unfortunately, that seems to be typical for women who have sex with men.
Men have bad, unfulfilling, and confusing sexual experiences with women too. But it’s women who corner that market.
Often, women have the same kinds of bad experiences. When women share stories of miserable sex, hookups gone bad, or long-term partners who still seem clueless in bed, I almost always nod along to them.
I haven’t fucked many people, but I can still relate to most of it.
And I don’t think it’s because men don’t care to show a lady a good time. They really do. Being good at sex is a big deal to them and a huge boost to their egos. No one wants to be a mediocre fuck.
The problem is that a lot of guys don’t seem to get what makes sex really good for a woman.
They get wrapped up in a few things that they’re either really concerned with, really proud of, or really insecure about.
They think that dick size makes a way bigger difference than it does. Or maybe trying different positions is what it takes. Some of them believe that just eating pussy automatically earns them a sexual gold star.
And that’s not even counting the ones who have really warped ideas about what women are into - the ones who get their information from pickup artists, red pillers, or from the random things cocky men have said to them.
Because of that, they’re missing what most women pay attention to in bed and what makes sex really hot for them.
These are some of the most common mistakes they end up making. If you can avoid them, you’ll be able to show her a fucking great time.
Sloppy Appearance and Grooming
A lot of guys don’t seem to think that women are paying attention to how they look. But believe me, we are.
How a guy dresses and presents himself makes a big difference to how enticed she feels. And it can be a real turn-off when it doesn’t seem like he’s making much of an effort.
On a date, that means putting some thought into what you wear before meeting up with her. In a more established relationship, that means not letting yourself go too much.
If you’re planning to put the moves on her, don’t do it in the clothes you slept in the night before. Change out of your workout clothes. Put on something that will make you look your best and get her attention.
For me, it’s my husband’s button-down shirts. I find myself thinking slightly dirtier thoughts when he’s wearing one and watching him undo the buttons is a great way to kick off a night of sex.
Underwear is a big one. It might seem like a minor detail but most women pay attention to a guy’s underwear and can get extra aroused when your package is wrapped up in something nice.
I personally prefer boxer briefs in bright colors or with eye-catching designs. But lots of women are really into a more classic look, like something tight and black.
Grooming’s really important, too. I love bearded guys, but there’s a big difference between a beard that’s trimmed and taken care of and one that’s grown a bit too wild.
But the biggest one is just being clean and smelling like it. I know that’s really basic, but the internet is full of women sharing their stories about sleeping with guys who don’t seem to wash themselves properly.
Balls are an especially big problem area. So much so that I’ve seen lots of women say they want to give their partners blowjobs but the smell is keeping them from going anywhere near that area.
You don’t always have to look or smell perfect. But it’s going to be harder for her to get horny and stay in the mood if it doesn’t seem like you at least tried.
It doesn’t take much. Upgrade your underwear until all you have are nice ones. Scrub up whenever there’s a chance you might bone. Start wearing cologne if you’re into it. And you can even use ball deodorant powders if that’s a recurring issue.
She’ll notice the effort and will definitely appreciate it.
Screwing Up With Condoms
Responsible guys are hot. And nothing shows responsibility like how you approach using a condom.
First off, not carrying condoms at all is an issue. Every single guy should carry condoms in case any impromptu banging happens - you never know when a train ride will turn into an opportunity for semi-public sex.
Sadly, not all of them do. I used to carry multiple different types whenever I went out because I knew I might not get to fuck if I didn’t.
Carrying the right type matters, too. Knowing your size and having condoms that fit properly is important. I know every guy wants to buy the largest sizes so he can conspicuously flash the XXL label when he takes the condom out, but I can’t think of a single woman who would be impressed by that - especially since she’s going to see and feel your dick so she’ll be highly aware of your size, no matter what the condom wrapper says.
Once you have the right condom, you also have to know how to use it.
There’s not much to it, but lots of people get it wrong. You have to make sure you’re rolling the condom on in the right direction (the rim should look like it’s rolled outward, not tucked inside). Pinch the tip of the condom when you start rolling it on. If you’ve got lube, apply a drop of it to the inside of the condom and then some extra to the outside, because even pre-lubricated condoms aren’t always lubricated enough.
And speaking of lube, make sure you don’t use an oil-based one. A lot of people use coconut oil instead of commercial lubes, but that can wear down the latex and cause the condom to tear.
The worst condom offense, though, is being weird about having to wear one at all.
Sex with condoms is ideal for exactly no one. From what I hear, fucking with them doesn’t feel quite as good as fucking without. And I can tell you from personal experience that getting fucked with a condom doesn’t feel as warm and soft as getting fucked with an unwrapped cock.
It’s really a small difference. Sex is really fucking good and using a condom doesn’t change that. But putting up a fuss about it can turn her off and spoil what could’ve been a good fuck.
Making Sex Feel Rushed
A lot of women feel like sex with men feels rushed. And it’s rushed all the way through.
First, guys often try to get things going too fast. They escalate before she’s ready. They try to push past all the flirting and seduction and try to skip right to the sex. Because of that, she doesn’t get to feel safe, wanted, or desired.
When women say sex makes them feel used, it’s often sex that starts off like this. It’s the sex you get when a guy just wants to get right to the physical stuff. No passion, no connection, no heat - just a bee-line to the orgasm.
Quickies can be really fun. But the thing with a good quickie is that there’s still a big lead-up to it.
The hot quickies I’ve had came after hours of sexual tension. There was barely any foreplay because the endless time spent flirting and being seduced left me feeling wet and desperately horny.
Sometimes, there doesn’t even need to be any of that. If I’m feeling enough desire, I might work myself up to being aroused enough. When I can’t stop fantasizing about sex, thinking about the ways I want to get fucked, and I’m compulsively squeezing my thighs no matter what I’m doing, I’m ready to get plowed at that very moment.
Those are the times when I text my husband and ask him to come fuck me.
It doesn’t feel rushed because I’m already worked up and ready. I’m impatient for sexual contact so I don’t need a lot of warming up.
That’s the exception, though. By and large, sex is only really satisfying if there’s enough teasing, anticipation, and connection before it even gets started.
Giving Token Foreplay
By now, I think most guys have gotten the memo about foreplay. They know it’s important. They realize she probably won’t come or feel like she’s been fucked by a stud unless her pussy gets licked and fingered.
But a lot of foreplay gets phoned in. He’ll go down on her but instead of spending at least a few minutes eating her out, he’ll give her pussy a few token licks.
He’ll rub her pussy a bit, but only like he’s trying to warm her up - not like he’s trying to get her off.
And it’s just not enough.
Women tend to need a lot more foreplay than men, which might be why it’s so hard for women to get as much as they want.
Usually, a guy needs a bit of it to get in the mood if he isn’t already thinking about sex. He might need a bit of action to get hard - though technically that’s optional since I’ve made a guy come while he was soft and couldn’t get it up.
Other than that, the foreplay is just extra fun. It’s getting your dick stroked and sucked, your balls played with, and getting to do some naughty things with a half-naked lady.
And yeah, it’s partly about that extra fun for her too. Even if she was already primed and ready to get fucked, she would still very much enjoy your mouth on her pussy and your tongue on her clit.
But most of the time, she genuinely needs it to be able to enjoy sex.
A few things need to happen before her body’s ready for some dick.
First, she’ll need to get the blood flowing to her pussy, which will make everything that happens to it feel very pleasurable.
Her clit has to swell and become more sensitive. Her G-spot needs to get aroused, too, so that it can get stimulated comfortably.
She needs to reach full arousal before she starts tenting. That’s when the vagina lengthens and the cervix shifts its position so that penetration can actually be enjoyable.
There’s a lot going on and it takes time and the right kind of action to make it all happen.
When there’s not enough foreplay, it’s not just a heck of a lot more boring. It also means she might wince at her G-spot getting tapped. Her clit might feel overstimulated when you touch it. And getting fucked could be anywhere from slightly uncomfortable to agonizingly painful.
So yeah, not great.
There’s no hard and fast rule for how long foreplay should last. But I tend to think that you should at least spend more time rubbing, fingering, and eating her pussy than you do fucking it. That way, her body will be ready and you’ll have more opportunity to give her multiple orgasms.
Kissing Too Aggressively
Kissing is an underrated part of sex and foreplay. It’s such an intimate and sensual act. It can be a huge turn-on.
But only if it’s done right.
Sadly, it’s another thing some guys struggle with.
It could be because they don’t place a lot of importance on it - they assume it’s all the skills you use after the kissing that really matter. Or it could be because they know passionate kissing is hot but they think you can only show passion by being aggressive.
Because that seems to be the biggest issue - hard and rough kissing. Pressing your face into hers just a bit too much. Being fast and sloppy. Making your tongue feel like it’s invading her mouth.
There are probably women who prefer it that way. They might like the roughness and aggression of it. Maybe that feels like authentic passion to them.
But a lot of us strongly prefer softer, gentler, slower kissing. And getting some lip action that feels too aggressive can be an active turn-off.
If she kisses you back in a rough, animalistic way, you can get aggressive. Otherwise, keep your makeout session on the softer, slower side. And use your hands to convey extra passion by touching her, grabbing her, and holding her.
Pushing Her Head Down
There are two kinds of head push.
There’s one where the guy pushes a girl’s head down toward his cock to get her to suck it.
Then there’s the one that happens when she’s already got the dick in her mouth and he pushes her head down so she takes it in deeper.
Both are usually terrible.
I say “usually” because some women are really into it. When they already want to suck a guy’s cock, the head push can actually feel playful or dominant. Some bratty submissives and women who like to feel overpowered might respond well to that kind of thing.
Same with the mid-blowjob head push. That’s a really aggressive move and some women who are into getting throatfucked might find it really hot.
There’s absolutely no shame in enjoying any of that. But the women who love it are squarely in the minority.
Most of us find the head push to be all sorts of negative. It can feel insulting, distressing, or violating. It can kill the mood entirely and she might end things right then and there and will probably think twice before putting her mouth anywhere near that dick again.
When she’s not going down on you or not doing it as quickly as you’d hoped, pressuring her isn’t the right move. And that’s what the head push is - nonverbal pressure.
And if she’s not taking your cock as deep as a pornstar would, it’s not because she thinks you like a shallow suck. It’s because that’s how deep she can comfortably go. Every girl wants to take a dick as deep in her mouth as she can, but for a lot of us, that’s just about two and a half inches - maybe three with a bit of effort.
The best way to ask for a blowjob isn’t to push her head down - it’s to not ask for one at all.
Every single lady out there knows that guys love blowjobs. So, the best way to get one from her isn’t to ask for it - it’s to put her in the mood to suck your dick.
Unless she’s not into giving head at all, that’s actually a very simple thing to do. All you have to do is turn her on and take things slow. Get her highly aroused and make the foreplay last at least a good twenty minutes. If she’s horny enough, you won’t have to ask her to suck your dick - she’ll be eager to get on her knees to do it.
And if you’re with one of those ladies who loves to have her head pushed down, who wants to feel you grab the back of her head and thrust aggressively into her mouth, then she’ll tell you. If you’re not sure, just ask her how she feels about rough blowjobs and you’ll get all the details you need.
Not Paying Attention to Her Feedback
Everyone has their own idea of what it means to be good at sex. I think a lot of guys, though, have a very set idea of what that means.
They think it means knowing a set of moves, having the right kind of dick skill, and being aware of how a woman’s body works.
Once you’ve got those down, you’re set.
Except it’s way more complicated than that. Because if you use the same moves, do the same things, or treat her the same way every single time you fuck, it’s going to result in some terrible sex.
For one thing, every woman’s different. The head push turns one girl on but it will make another one feel like she needs to kick you out and never hear from you again. Some women need fast, vigorous action on their clits, others hate it and want you to go slow. Women like me want sex to end with a jackhammer pounding, but others find that to be thoroughly unsatisfying.
But even the same women are going to need you to switch things up.
There are all sorts of factors that go into the kind of sex I want.
If I can get off-the-charts aroused, I like to be dominated, have my hair pulled, and pounded hard. If I’m not so horny, I might want to be treated a bit more gently, praised so much he runs out of breath, and fucked in the spooning position until I’ve had all the orgasms I can handle.
Sometimes, I’m not in the mood for any kind of anal play. Other times, I’m spending the entire time working up to getting my ass fucked.
On some days, I just want a long, sensual pussy massage. Or maybe a regular massage with a happy ending.
And if my clit is feeling particularly sensitive, I’ll need my husband to take a different approach to pleasuring me than he normally does.
Then there’s the fact that doing the same things every time can get boring. When sex starts to feel routine, it’s really hard to get excited about fucking. It might feel good and stimulating, but predictability takes all the fun out of it.
And none of that has to be a problem, because women tend to be pretty good at giving feedback.
They might not always know what they want, but they usually know what they don’t care for, and that’s a really good place for you to start figuring things out.
She’ll give some physical signs that something is turning her on or not. She’ll be open to some things and tense up for others. She’ll wince or groan uncomfortably instead of moaning.
If something’s not doing it for her, you’ll be able to tell when it doesn’t get an enthusiastic reaction.
Some of those signs are going to be subtle, but you’ll see them if you’re attentive.
And if you’re not sure, it never hurts to check in with her. In fact, you should probably be doing that at least a few times whenever you’re fucking. Ask her if she wants you to go slower or faster. Ask if it’s too much or too hard. Ask if she wants to try something different or wants you to keep going.
Not every guy engages in that kind of communication when fucking, but it makes sex better every single time.
Not Making Any Fucking Noise
Lots of men complain about women starfishing during sex. She just lays there, doesn’t really move - doesn’t do much of anything. If she’s feeling any enjoyment or enthusiasm, she’s not doing a whole lot to show it.
Men have their own version of this, though.
Not making any sound during sex is the male equivalent of starfishing.
And it’s super fucking common.
Almost all of the guys I’ve fucked have been quiet during sex. My husband was pretty damn quiet until he realized that I was into vocal dudes so he stopped holding back.
I even see it in plenty of porn. Pornhub is full of quiet dudes who barely make a sound even though they’re on the receiving end of an expert blowjob, fucking a hot girl’s pussy, or having the extreme privilege of sliding into her ass. Some don’t even make a peep when they’re coming.
That really sucks because it conveys zero enthusiasm. It makes the girls who are getting fucked feel self-conscious or worry that they’re not doing a good job.
Plus, sex sounds are really fucking hot. Hearing a guy moan, groan, and grunt with pleasure is so arousing that it can help me come.
That’s part of the reason so many women fall in love with audio porn -
it’s guaranteed to be nothing but verbal dudes.
If there’s dirty talk on top of all the sounds, that’s even better. And this is basically universal. I have never heard of a single woman who prefers a guy who fucks quietly and won’t say a single dirty word the entire way through.
If I had to guess, I think guys are holding back during sex because they think it’s sexier to be quiet, cool, and hold themselves together. That, or they’re concentrating so hard on their performance that they end up barely making a sound.
But if you want to turn on your partner, make her enjoy sex more, and help her come harder, you need to let go and let yourself get vocal.
Speeding Up When She Says “Don’t Stop”
This is a really specific problem, but it’s also extremely common.
In fact, I’d be willing to bet it happens more often than not.
A girl will say “don’t stop” when she’s getting close to coming. She wants everything to keep going exactly the way it is. She wants steady, consistent stimulation to get her over the edge.
She wants him to keep using his tongue and fingers in the exact same way. She wants them to hit her clit in the same motion, at the same speed, and with the same level of pressure. Or she wants him to keep fucking her with the exact same rhythm - the rhythm that feels so fucking amazing, the one that’s going to bring her to a strong climax.
And for some reason, when a lot of guys hear “don’t stop,” they do the exact opposite. They stop.
Well, they don’t stop completely. But they do stop what they were doing. Instead of holding steady and pleasuring her in the same way, they start going harder and faster.
If she’s lucky, she gets to come anyway. Maybe not as hard as she would have, maybe not as long either, but she still gets an orgasm out of it.
Often, though, changing things up at the last second makes her lose it. Instead of falling into a climax, she has to build back up to an orgasm because of the change in stimulation.
It’s a letdown and it’s going to make her feel like she’s not being heard.
So, when she says “don’t stop,” that’s what you have to do. Don’t stop what you’re doing. Don’t change a thing. Keep the pace, the pressure, and the moves exactly the way they are. If you do, you’ll give her the orgasm she was just begging you for.
Trying Anal Out of the Blue
Anal sex is a major turn-on for me. It’s one of my favorite porn search terms and features heavily in my fantasies.
I also really get off on actually doing it.
But even as a huge fan of anal I know it’s not always a simple act to pull off. I personally have to be really in the mood for it or it’s just not going to work - or feel as good as it should.
Taking anything in your ass takes a bit of mental energy and focus. You have to relax your body, get the angle right, bear down, and go slowly.
From what I hear, a lot of guys don’t realize how much goes into being on the receiving end of it because they try to stick it in without enough prep.
He wants to try anal, so he’ll see if he can slide a finger up her ass. If he’s extremely bold, he’ll rub the head of his cock against her asshole and then try to slide it in if she doesn’t say no.
And it’s bound to be unpleasant for her and ruin what could have actually been a really fun, dirty little experiment.
Anal shouldn’t be something you’re sneaky about. It should be something you do together, with both of your heads in the game, and lots of communication.
Ideally, you’ll talk about it ahead of time and agree on how you want to experiment.
If you’re fooling around and you feel a strong urge to do something to her ass, just ask. By saying something like “can I finger your ass?” or “do you want to try anal?” you don’t just give her the opportunity to decide if she’s ready, you’re giving her a chance to get in the right mindset and do it in a way that feels comfortable for her.
I don’t blame you for wanting to finger or fuck her ass. It’s one of the hottest things you could do. But you should always let her take the lead and never, ever try to surprise her with it.
Being Domineering When She Wants to Be Dominated
Lots of women wish their guys would be more dominant in bed. But sometimes, when they ask for it, it backfires.
When guys hear about dominance, they often think it just means aggression and violence. And it shows when they try it out in the bedroom.
He’ll demand blowjobs, try to facefuck her, command her to do whatever he feels like seeing her do, and will probably call her all sorts of nasty names along the way.
And that’s not what most women mean when they say they want a guy to be more dominant.
She doesn’t want a guy who bosses her around into doing whatever the hell he wants her to do. She wants a guy to take charge but still give her what she wants and needs.
Being dominant isn’t the same as being domineering. It’s about her putting her trust in you, letting you lead the action, and doing it in a way that makes her feel like you’re in charge and she’s taken care of.
If you’re not sure how to pull it off, the best way is to approach it the way a pleasure dom would. Basically, make it all about ways to make her feel really fucking good.
Tie her down and eat her out. Pin her wrists down and finger her for so long she begs for your cock instead. Praise her, talk dirty to her, and tease her. Edge her until she can barely take it anymore - and then edge her one more time. Tell her what position to get in, what to do, when to undress — all so you can give her even more pleasure.
You’ll still get yours. You’ll end up fucking her before the night is over. She might even beg to suck your cock or have you fuck her mouth. And if she’s done before you are, there’s a good chance she’ll still want you to come on her.
If you pull off the pleasure dom role, not only will you both have highly intense sex, but there’s a good chance she’ll want it even more often.
Not Giving Any Feedback
Every guy wants to know he’s good at sex. Women are exactly the same.
We want to be fun to fuck. We want to end up in someone’s spank bank. We want to get our partners so turned on they can’t resist us.
We want to know we’re doing a really good job, but we can’t unless we get the right kind of feedback.
Guys don’t always give that kind of feedback because they’re so focused on making sure they’re good in bed that they forget to let her know that she is, too.
She wants to know she’s doing a good job when she’s sucking your cock. She wants to be told how good it feels.
When you thrust into her, she wants to know that it feels amazing. When she’s riding you, she wants to know if you’re impressed at how hard she’s going and how well she’s grinding her hips.
Give her some praise. She’s working hard to earn it, so it’s the least you could do.
And not just praise, but also legitimate feedback.
If something’s not working for you, let her know. Ask her to go faster when she’s stroking you off. If you want her to lick your head instead of just taking your cock in her mouth, let her know.
If you need lube for a handjob to feel good, ask her for some. Even if you don’t need it, ask anyway - it feels a hell of a lot better.
She wants sex to be really good for you, too. So, let her know what it would take.
Not Making Her Feel Hot
Women’s bodies are hot as hell, but sadly very few of us feel that way.
Because of the way we’re raised and socialized, we spend a lot of time scrutinizing every inch of our bodies, worrying about every detail of our appearance, and keeping score of all the ways we fall short.
That’s why we tend to need a bit of reassurance during sex.
It doesn’t have to be overt or explicit. We just need to feel like the guy who’s fucking us is really into our bodies. That way, we can stop worrying about how we look and just have a great time.
When you’re fucking a lady, you should do it in a way that makes her feel hot.
There are so many ways to do that. You can grab and squeeze her in a way that conveys your desire. You can slow things down so you can look at her and take her in.
You can worship her body by touching, kissing, and licking it all over.
You can use your words and just tell her what you find sexy about her. Tell her how amazing her ass looks when it’s bent over. Tell her that her pussy is gorgeous. Say how hot she looks when she’s in the throes of an orgasm.
Whatever the hell it is you like about her and her body, make sure she knows it. It’s going to make her feel comfortable and desired. That’s going to help her get turned on, feel less inhibited, and let her be the dirty girl she wants to be.
Not Giving Aftercare
You know the stereotypical douchebag move of asking her to go make you a sandwich right after sex is over? Most guys aren’t that bad.
But a lot of them aren’t far off.
There are a few versions of this. There are the guys who roll over and go to sleep soon after you’re done. The ones who grab their phones before she has even managed to catch her breath. The ones who just get up and go do whatever right after the post-orgasmic haze has lifted.
All of it makes sex feel like it ended way too abruptly. It can leave her feeling disconnected, unappreciated, and just plain bummed out.
And it can completely spoil the sex you’ve just had. I’ve had some hot, pleasurable, and intense sex that ended up making me feel terrible because of how disconnected I felt once it was done.
Good sex needs good aftercare.
That’s a concept from BDSM but it is completely applicable to vanilla sex. There’s a lot of emotional stuff that happens when you submit to someone or when you have sex with them. Hormones are coursing through your body. You get a massive release. If it goes well, you get feelings of euphoria. You experience a deep connection with someone else, a powerful intimacy that you can feel deep in your body.
If all of that ends too abruptly, it can feel like a crash. It can leave her disconnected, sad, or upset. And that’s really not how you want her to feel after you fucked her.
Aftercare prevents all that. So, give her some.
Cuddle with her for a while. Take the time to just hang out and talk. You can even just relax and watch TV together if that’s what she wants.
Just keep the intimacy going a bit longer and it will make a world of difference for her.
Being a Great Lay Starts Here
Some of these things might seem a bit obvious, but it’s honestly rare to find a guy who avoids all of them entirely.
Most guys do a few of these things and end up screwing up sex - or at least not making it nearly as good or satisfying as it could be.
They’re easy to avoid, though. Most of it just takes a bit of extra thought, better communication, and taking things a bit more slowly.
If you can avoid making all of these sex mistakes, you’re well on your way to being the fuck she wants to tell other people about - for all the right reasons.
If you liked this article, you should totally check out the The One With All the Blowjobs (From Our First to Emma’s Fantasy Blowjob) episode of my dirty and intimate sex podcast, Pillow Talk With Emma Austin!
And definitely sign up to my weekly newsletter for personal updates, new articles, and other fun, naughty stuff!
