What to Do if You Have a Higher Sex Drive Than Your Partner
Wanting more sex doesn’t have to leave you feeling frustrated
My husband has a sex drive I could never keep up with. And that used to be a real problem.
When we first met, I was young and full of new relationship energy. Everything excited me and I was deeply curious. We tried every sexual experiment we could think of.
As soon as we could get our hands on each other, we’d make out and fool around. Then, we’d just hang out naked under the covers until we had enough energy for another round.
That sexual energy seeped into every part of my life. When he wasn’t around, my arousal was still intense. I would spend my days watching porn, masturbating, and fantasizing about all the things we’d get to do when we were together again.
Eventually, things got settled and so did my sex drive. Fucking more than once a day started to feel like too much. Soon after that, even once a day seemed like a lot.
That’s when I learned that our drives were mismatched. His desire never seemed to slow down, no matter how long we had been together.
In a way, that was nice. Whenever I wanted to have sex, I knew he’d be down for it. I never had to worry that he would turn down my advances or lose sleep wondering if he lost interest in me.
But for every upside to having a horny husband, there were downsides.
I felt guilty and inadequate for not giving him the kind of sex life he wanted. I worried that he might eventually leave me for someone who could satisfy his every sexual whim - or who could at least fuck him more regularly. During the roughest patches of our marriage, I felt resentful for having to always play the role of the sexual gatekeeper.
I knew things weren’t great on his end, either. Mismatched sex drives are very common, but they can still be hard on everyone involved. And the more extreme the discrepancy, the worse it can feel.
Part of the reason I felt guilt is because I knew that he had strong feelings without a proper outlet for them. He was all pent up passion and no way to get the horny experiences he craved.
As much as I hated having to turn down his advances, I’m sure that being frequently rejected must not have been all that easy on him.
But maybe even worse than the rejection itself is feeling like there isn’t even any point in trying. As the months and years wore on, I could tell that he felt defeated. The flirting and the seduction slowly died down until there was almost none of it left.
After being married eleven years, we’re still not matched. Not even close. Even though my sex drive has improved dramatically over the last two years, it’s still spotty and nowhere near as active as his.
But it’s no longer an issue in our relationship. Neither of us feel weird about his teenage-like libido anymore. In fact, it’s something I’ve come to appreciate about him. He’s my horny husband and I love him for it - spontaneous hard-ons and all.
All it took was for both of us to change the ways we look at our libidos and find ways to accommodate our needs. If you’ve got a higher sex drive than your partner, here are some of the things you can do to stay satisfied and keep your relationship healthy.
Understand That Nobody’s Libido Is Their Fault - Including Yours
It’s hard to fight against your sex drive. In most cases, it’s better to just accept it.
There are so many factors that play a role in it, and some of them are less malleable than others.
In my case, there are hormonal issues that prevent me from getting super hot and bothered. I also deal with chronic illnesses that give me libido-killing bouts of anxiety. I’m sure a therapist could unearth two or three other explanations, too.
My husband’s ADHD plays a role in his level of desire. Seduction, fucking, and the mindset he enters when he gets to be sexually dominant all seem to give him the dopamine his brain craves.
In general, some of us are just wired differently. On top of that, it can shift for all sorts of reasons. Starting new hormonal treatments usually pumps up my libido, but dealing with financial stress will almost always kill it.
There’s also new relationship energy. When you first fall for someone or develop a crush on them, it’s a lot easier to get it up when you haven’t been together for a few years.
With so many things affecting it, life is a lot less frustrating when you can accept both your partner’s sex drive and your own.
It’s easy to see your partner’s lower sex drive as a problem. It’s what gets in the way of you having all the sex you want to have. It can make you feel less desirable. It’s the reason you just hang out and watch Netflix instead of fucking like you used to.
The instinct is usually to try to fix it. You go into problem-solving mode and start digging deep online, sending them articles, and pushing them to try different things like scheduling sex or reading erotica.
When those don’t work, it only leads to disappointment and resentment.
That’s why it’s important to resist the idea that your partner’s sex drive is something you can fix or force. You’ll have a much stronger relationship and feel better overall if you can see their sex drive as part of who they are and something you have to work with, not something to fight against.
That’s true even when your partner is frustrated by their own low levels of desire. I’m in that camp. I take active steps to work on my libido because I feel happier when I have more sex and I’m way more creative when I’m horny. But I make more progress and feel better about it overall when it’s a project I’m taking on for myself and not something I’m doing because I worry my husband expects it from me.
That goes the other way, too. Accepting your own high sex drive is going to make things a lot better for you.
Mr. Austin spent years treating his incessant and heavy desire for sex as a problem that needed to be fixed.
Mostly, he tried to starve it by giving up on porn (somewhat successfully) and abstain from masturbation (that one was much tougher). But it didn’t work, because he couldn’t outrun his imagination, his dirty mind, and his intrusive sexual thoughts.
Despite all his efforts, he was still horny. All it resulted in was feeling like a failure when he gave in to his urges. In the end, he missed out on a lot of pleasure and enjoyment.
So, ditch the shame. Managing your sexual desires doesn’t mean getting rid of them. It just means finding a healthy way to express them.
Get Intimate
When you’re not getting sex, it’s easy to obsess over it. And that can lead to some tensions in your relationship.
Instead of trying to turn every evening into a fuckfest, you should spend lots of time building non-sexual intimacy with your partner. Those will increase your satisfaction with the relationship by keeping your bond strong and helping you connect with your partner, even when you don’t get to connect with them in the way you would really want to.
Cuddle and watch TV together. Surprise them with impromptu date nights. Get drunk or high and play video games until you’re too tired to stay up. Offer them massages so you can still get physical even when they’re not up to getting dirty.
And remove the sexpectations from all those things. Do them without putting the moves on your partner. Do them just because they’re fun to do.
That way, they can just relax and enjoy those evenings with you instead of wondering whether you’re up to something or just trying to get laid. And you’ll have a better time too because you won’t end the evening by getting turned down.
Those forms of intimacy also improve your odds of getting laid.
I credit them with keeping my sexless marriage strong, but the deep intimacy we built and maintained is also the reason I could go right back to enjoying sex whenever my libido was active enough.
We didn’t have to reconnect, rebuild our bond, or fix our relationship - we could just get naked and fuck because all those other pieces were already in place.
Flirt All the Damn Time
Flirting is one of the first things to go when a relationship gets settled.
It probably won’t leave your life completely. But for a lot of couples, it becomes something that just happens in the lead-up to sex.
If you’re always thinking about the dirty things you want to do to your partner, channel that energy into flirtation.
Don’t just flirt with them when you want to get laid - do it when there isn’t even any opportunity for sex. Flirt with them when you’re apart, when you’re in the kitchen making dinner, when you’re getting ready to go out.
It’s going to make your partner feel loved and desired, which is great on its own. It also happens to improve your chances of getting some action.
There are lots of reasons why couples end up in sexless relationships or relationships where sex is rare. One of them is the lower libido partner feeling like their partner has given up trying — like, really trying. There’s no more flirting, no more seduction, no more spontaneous thoughtful gestures and because of that they struggle to get it up.
But even if you don’t end up getting laid, flirting can still feel satisfying. It’s a good way to release some sexual energy and express your desires instead of suppressing them.
So keep it going. Remind them that you love them no matter how often you’ve told them. Make it clear that you find them hot and irresistible, even if they know that already. You’ll both feel better because of it.
Masturbate (A Lot)
Unless you feel a lot of guilt or shame over your high sex drive, you’re probably already masturbating and doing it regularly.
But you should do more than that. You should treat it very seriously. It’s an urge you want to satisfy and you should get to do just that.
And you should be open about that with your partner. Let them know that you’ve got some sexual needs that you’ve got to take care of and ask for the space and time to do it.
That’s something my husband and I both have.
Mr. Austin tends to get himself off early in the morning, before everyone is awake. He can lock himself in our little playroom and enjoy all the privacy he needs.
For me, it’s something I take care of most often in the bath. On most afternoons, I draw a bath and spend an hour soaking, relaxing, and usually masturbating.
And if either of us get the urge to take care of ourselves at other points of the day, we let the other know so we can claim the bedroom, lock the door, and enjoy some self-love with zero interruption.
And if you don’t have the time or space to get yourself off, you can ask your partner if they’re comfortable with you doing it in bed after they’ve gone to sleep. It sounds like something that would be awkward, but that’s only the case when it’s a surprise. If you give a heads up that you’ll be lubing up and getting off next to them, it feels surprisingly normal (and it can be really hot to listen to).
It doesn’t matter what kind of arrangement you make. What matters is that you have one. That way, you can make sure that you’re always meeting your needs and it definitely beats secretly getting yourself off in the bathroom.
Masturbate In Style
Go all out with your masturbation, too.
You can get an orgasm by jerking yourself off quickly or riding a vibrator until it makes you come. But you won’t get a whole lot of long-lasting satisfaction from it.
Make sure you’re taking your time and really enjoying yourself. Let yourself get turned on, get lost in a fantasy, and slowly bring yourself to a powerful climax - or more than one if you can accomplish it.
You can even edge yourself a few times so you can prolong the experience and really lean into it.
And make sure you get all the things you need to have an amazing time.
Pay for some really high-quality porn (my personal favorite is Adult Time). Whatever preference, kink, or fetish you have, find a site that caters to it and really indulge.
Get some quality lube and use plenty of it. Using a good one makes a big difference, so sample a few until you find one that you really like.
And use all the toys you want to use.
Mr. Austin is a frequent user of strokers. Lately, he uses the Tenga Flip Orb most often. When he wants something quicker and easier, he’ll go for a Tenga Spinner. And when he’s feeling in the mood for it, he’ll stroke off with his Fleshlight.
And I’m downright spoiled with toys. I’ll play with my favorite wand, buttplugs, a thrusting dildo, a torso doll, or any of the countless sex toys I own.
Whatever toys you’re into, get them. Use them as often as you want and in whatever combinations you want. Your goal isn’t just to come - it’s to have an amazing time and give yourself as much sexual satisfaction as you can.
Open Up to Mutual Masturbation
As someone with a low libido, I know that it doesn’t always mean I have no sexual urges whatsoever. Often, they’re just strong enough to masturbate, but not enough to have sex.
If your partner’s sex drive is the same, you can recommend making mutual masturbation a part of your relationship.
It’s basically what it sounds like. Instead of each taking care of business privately, you masturbate together. You can do it side by side in bed, at either ends of the couch, wherever.
You might touch each other slightly (I personally like my hair stroked when I’m jilling off) or keep your hands entirely to yourselves.
And you can watch porn while you do it or just take glances at each other and listen to the sexy moaning that’s filling the room.
No matter how you do it, it’s a really pleasurable, intimate, and hot activity. It’s not the same as sex, but it will feels closer to it than masturbating alone.
Share Your Sexual Side Online
You can also find ways to expend some of your sexual energies with other people online.
Before you do this, you’ll have to get consent from your partner and work out what their boundaries are. It’s not worth doing this if they think it shades into cheating.
But if they’re fine with it, go for it. Take some bomb-ass nudes and post them on Reddit or Twitter.
Get horny on main and make your timeline as pervy as you want it to be.
Find some online kink community you can relate with and get involved there.
And if your partner is especially chill and open-minded, have some direct interactions with camgirls, OnlyFans creators, or any sex worker who offers services like sexting, phone sex, or masturbating on cam with them.
Enjoy All the Good Feelings
Mismatched sex drives can be difficult to deal with. But if you manage it right, it doesn’t have to be a major problem.
If you have a high sex drive, that’s incredibly awesome. Being horny feels really fucking good and there are few things as pleasurable as giving yourself an orgasm.
Even if you’re not having as much sex as you could be, your high libido doesn’t have to be a source of frustration. It can be a really good thing.
So, lean into it. Embrace it wholeheartedly. Masturbate with complete abandon to the dirtiest porn you can find, flirt and cuddle with your partner, and just be your horny self.
This post contains affiliate links to porn and sex toys that will help you manage your high sex drive. Be sure to use the code LOVEEMMA to save 15% on anything you order from Betty’s Toy Box or to get a free week when you sign up for Adult Time!
And if you liked this article, check out Pillow Talk With Emma Austin, the dirty and intimate sex podcast I host with my high sex drive husband!
