Why She Won't Do That Thing She Did With Her Ex
It’s not the reason you think
For the most part, guys are pretty chill about what their girlfriends and wives aren’t comfortable doing in bed.
Her sexual boundaries and preferences might not always line up with yours. But they’re just another feature of your relationship.
You would love to know what it’s like to fuck her ass, but she has no real interest in any kind of anal play.
You wish you could throat fuck her like some of the girls in porn, but she’d rather not test her gag reflex on your dick.
You’ve made it known that you’d be very interested in lubing up her tits and sliding your cock between them, but the thought of pressing her oiled up tits together while you have your way with them bores her.
Whatever it is, it’s fine. You jerk off to the thought of it. You hope that she gets a little tipsy on date night and feels adventurous enough to try it. But you know it’s probably never going to happen and you’re okay with that.
There’s one exception, though.
There’s one situation that makes it really difficult for guys to accept that her boundary is just a boundary. And it’s when that boundary wasn’t a boundary when she was with someone else.
Most guys are fine with their partner not wanting to do certain things in bed, but a lot of them are really bothered if it’s something she used to do with another dude.
Some of them get upset about it because they just don’t think it’s fair.
They feel cheated because she won’t give him something she gave to someone else. If she used to do anal with her ex, he feels like he’s owed her ass too.
That kind of thinking is completely uncool because no one actually owes anyone any kind of sex. You can’t get cheated out of sex because it just doesn’t work that way.
But I think most guys aren’t bothered because they think it’s not fair that someone else got to do those things with her. They’re bothered because it brings up a lot of insecurities.
When she did something with an ex that she won’t do with you, you’ll start wondering why.
If you’re like a lot of guys, you’re going to assume the worst. You’ll dig for explanations and the ones you come up with are going to make you feel really uncomfortable.
Did she do those things with him because he turned her on in a way that you just can’t?
Is it because she found him so much more attractive than you and it made her willing to do practically anything?
Is it because he was some kind of exciting alpha who lit up something in her and you’re the boring beta who makes her happy but in a very different, non-sexy kind of way?
Those kinds of nagging questions can really eat you up.
Even if she reassures you that it’s nothing like that, it can still linger and bother you deeply.
If you’re in that situation, let me assure you that it’s probably nothing you actually have to worry about. There are lots of reasons she’s not interested in doing those things with you, and by far the most common ones have nothing to do with how much attraction she feels, how much she loves you, or how strongly she desires you.
If she used to do something with her ex but doesn’t want to do it with you, these are the most likely reasons.
It Was a Different Time in Her Life
This answer might sound like a cop out, but it’s not. In fact, it’s probably the main reason the sex she has with you doesn’t look like the sex she had with her ex.
Sexual preferences and tastes can change a lot over the years.
Mine have fluctuated quite dramatically. Things I used to find really fucking hot don’t really do it for me anymore. And things that used to weird me out now turn me on like crazy.
That can happen because she changed as a person.
Maybe she used to be happy to get fucked around other people. But now she feels a lot more self-conscious about that kind of thing.
Risk aversion tends to change over time, too. She might not have thought twice about having sex in semi-public places when she was younger. But now that she’s older and weighs risk differently, she’d rather play in safe, very private locations.
And there are some things she might have found hot and exciting because they were new. Now that they’re old news, they don’t have the same appeal.
Taking a facial might have made her feel like a bad girl when she was younger. Now it would just make her feel sticky.
Having a threesome might have given her a nervous rush and stomach full of butterflies. But that might not be a feeling she wants to chase anymore.
Then there are all the invisible factors that can play a major role. Hormonal changes, chronic illnesses, overall stress and fatigue - all of it can affect what interests her sexually.
Whatever the reason, sexual preferences can go through phases. It’s normal. And the fact that it can change is part of what keeps sex so fun and interesting, because you keep getting to rediscover yourself and your partner.
Whoever she was with her ex isn’t necessarily who she is now. That means she might not want to have sex the same kind of way, but it really has nothing to do with you and how you make her feel.
She Wasn’t Doing It for Herself
Pretty much everything I’ve tried sexually, I still do with my husband.
I never fucked him on a train, even though I did that with another guy. But that’s partly because I’ve never actually been on a train with him. It was a crime of opportunity anyway.
And I don’t swallow, even though I’ve done that for an ex-boyfriend.
But that’s just the thing - I did it for that boyfriend, not for me.
I didn’t want to swallow his come. Not really. But it’s something he had pestered me about for a long time. So when I started to worry that he was losing interest in me, I thought I could hold onto him longer if I did whatever he wanted.
So, when he told me to get on my knees and suck his cock, I did. And when he told me to swallow right before emptying his load in my mouth, I did that too.
And yeah, that means I got down on my knees and swallowed on command for a guy who didn’t treat me all that well, but I won’t do it for my actual soulmate, the guy who gave me everything I wanted out of a relationship, and showed me just how pleasurable sex could be.
It’s not because I like him less. It’s not because he doesn’t turn me on as much.
It’s because I won’t step outside of my boundaries just to please my partner anymore.
And if she’s not having sex with you the way she used to have with others, it might be the same reason.
She might have done all sorts of kinky stuff just to seem more fun and interesting. She might have done anal just because her ex kept pressuring her into it. She might have desperately wanted to be the cool girl and that meant having sex she wasn’t always completely comfortable with.
Now, she wants to fuck in a way that satisfies her. She wants to do things that turn her on. She wants to get you horny and get you off, but within her comfort zone.
That’s actually a good sign. It might make you feel insecure, but it really means that she’s able to be herself with you. And that’s part of having a very healthy sex life.
There Are Physical Differences
I once dated a very athletic guy, and he fucked athletically too.
My best memories of him involve me being bent over and getting pounded hard and fast.
It made me feel desired. The intensity felt really fucking good. His hips slamming against my ass felt like being spanked before people were actually spanking me. It made me fall madly in love with doggystyle sex.
It didn’t last long with him. So, when I met my husband, I craved the same experience.
I wanted him to bend me over and fuck me as hard as he could.
Until he actually did and it was really uncomfortable.
If we managed to do doggystyle sex at all, it was either really slow or shallow. If he put the whole length of his cock inside me, it would be way too much for me - even though my athletic ex had a longer dick.
I eventually figured out why I couldn’t relive the kind of pounding I had experienced before.
It’s the shape of his cock. Unlike the straight cock that used to rail me, this one curves. And that curve made doggystyle extremely challenging for us.
That’s another reason she might have done things with her ex that she won’t do anymore. It could just be the way your bodies fit together.
If your cock has a different shape, she might not be able to do the same kinds of positions she did with someone else.
If she gladly had quickies with him but won’t even try them with you, it might be because your cock is thicker and she needs a lot more prep to take it.
Cock size and shape makes a huge difference for deepthroating, too. I’ve tried it a few times with my husband, but his size and curve make it way too difficult. With someone straighter and slimmer, I might have a chance.
And some positions might have been a lot more comfortable when she was smaller or more flexible.
Sometimes, it has nothing to do with her desires or what she’s into. It might just be about the way your bodies fit - and don’t fit.
He Was a Different Type of Guy
Okay, so yes, sometimes it does have to do with the type of guy she dated before and the type of guy you are.
But it’s probably not for the reasons you think.
More often than not, it’s not because he was sexier or hotter so she was willing to do just about anything with him.
It’s more likely to do with specific traits you have that might make certain kinds of sex a little more difficult to pull off.
If you’re clumsy, she might be hesitant to try anal with you. Even if the idea of getting her ass fucked turns her on, the risk of you slipping, going too fast, or shifting your hips at the wrong time could result in a very uncomfortable experience for her. That might be enough for her to take anal off the table, even if she’s enjoyed it before.
Eagerness is a big one, too. If you’re the type to jump right to sex, that might also change what she’s into. Maybe she was into her ex fucking her feet because he was flirtatious, seductive, and took his time to really warm her up. Without that slow buildup, she might not get aroused enough to want to do any foot stuff.
And with anything rough or kinky, it can just be plain old experience.
It takes some education and a bit of careful practice to get things like choking, hair pulling, bondage, and ball gags right. All of those can be very risky if they’re not done properly and safely.
She might have been comfortable doing that kind of stuff with someone who had lots of practice and experience, but would rather not risk getting choked by someone who is entirely new to it.
Bad Experiences Ruined It for Her
Bad sexual experiences aren’t just terrible in the moment. They can have a lasting impact.
One thing they can do is ruin something that you would have loved. They can also take one of your turn-ons and turn it into an emotional trigger.
It can change what arouses you and what you can enjoy.
For women, that seems to happen often with anal sex.
A lot of women try anal because their boyfriend or husband insists on it. They’re not trying it because they’re turned on by it - sometimes, they’re barely given a chance to fully consider it and fantasize about it.
So, when they do try it, it’s uncomfortable. It might even be painful. Or maybe it feels okay physically but doing it under pressure makes them feel used and unloved.
It’s no surprise, then, that they have zero interest in trying it again.
And that can happen with any kind of sex act.
She might have loved taking facials - until the day she got come in her eye.
Maybe she didn’t mind getting facefucked, but once felt close to puking from it and vowed to never do it again.
All sorts of things could have happened with her ex or other guys she dated between you two that could’ve totally killed her enjoyment of something.
It could have left her with trauma. It could have just made her uncomfortable. It might have taken the fun out of it. And now it’s something she’d rather not do again.
NRE Made Her Do Some Wild Shit
New relationship energy is a fucking powerful drug. It’s basically a hormonal cocktail that temporarily rewires your brain.
It makes you feel intensely attached. It makes you obsessed with your partner. It makes you want to fuck in ways you never thought you’d want to fuck.
When she’s in that NRE window, she might have been open to trying all sorts of things. Things she was really into that she wanted to give to him. Things she saw in porn that suddenly seemed extremely hot. Weird, unexpected places her brain went to.
It starts to fade kind of quickly and she goes back to her usual self. But while she’s in that sexually supercharged haze, she might have done things that she wouldn’t normally do.
It’s why she fucked him twice a day even though she only has sex with you once a week.
It’s why she couldn’t resist giving him road head but she’s more than comfortable waiting until you get home before she sucks you off.
It’s why she let him fist her that one time but finds it a bit much if you slip in a third finger.
That’s not you being too boring for her. That’s not her ex having some kind of special charm. That’s her hormones taking the wheel and running through every single red light.
Embrace Your Sex Life
If you’re feeling insecure because of something she did with someone else but won’t do with you, there are two things you can do.
The first one is to just talk to her about it.
She might tell you about the experience that changed her mind about doing anal.
Maybe she’s just too exhausted to feel as horny as she used to.
Most likely, she’ll just tell you that she doesn’t know. Things just changed and she isn’t even sure why.
The other thing you can do is accept that.
That’s a tough one for a lot of guys. When she says that the things she used to do with her ex doesn’t have anything to do with how she feels about you, it’s easy to feel suspicious. You start wondering what the real reason is, the one she doesn’t want to tell you.
But that’s just the insecurity talking. It looks for things to get worried about, even when there isn’t any.
Your sex life with her is your sex life with her. Her desires are her desires. What she wanted before, what she experimented with before meeting, and the things that used to turn her on aren’t as important as what you have together now.
Enjoy banging her the way she loves to be banged - whatever that looks like these days.
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If you liked this article, you should totally check out the Unsolicited Sexual Advice (Rating Dicks, Next Level Anal, and Daddy Dom 101) episode of my dirty and intimate sex podcast, Pillow Talk With Emma Austin!
