Sexual Compromises Shouldn't Be 50/50
Meeting in the middle will ruin your sex life
Making a relationship work takes compromise.
That’s not a news flash or anything. If you’ve ever been past the dating stage, you know that from personal experience.
The more intertwined your lives get, the more you’ve got to find ways to meet each other’s needs.
And for the most part, people are pretty good at figuring that stuff out.
They find a way to share a living space, split financial responsibilities, and parent together in a way that works for both of them.
But sex is a struggle.
That’s where things get really messy. Not sex-blanket messy, but like they’ve got trouble finding a proper compromise.
And I think that’s because a lot of people don’t actually know what a sexual compromise should look like.
Lots of people want to insist that sexual compromises should mean going fifty-fifty. Or that it should be about meeting each other in the middle.
It’s not. And thinking of it that way can make your sex life worse and tarnish your relationship.
Just a Wee Tiny Bit of Buttsex
Every relationship is going to have some kind of sexual mismatch. There are three that I see most often.
Couples with noticeably different libidos is the big one - it’s an incredibly common issue.
Anal too. There are lots of guys who have a very strong desire to fuck some ass. And a good chunk of them are shacked up with women who would rather not explore that particular kind of pleasure.
Same with kinks. Especially if you only started discovering and exploring your kinky side after you already settled down.
Sex can be an important part of a relationship, so those mismatches can make things complicated. But they don’t actually have to be a big deal - not if you know how to manage them.
And that’s exactly the problem.
I keep reading about and hearing from people who take a really counterproductive approach to sexual compromises.
Instead of finding a way for them and their partner to get the most satisfaction in a way that suits them both, they insist on trying to meet somewhere in the middle.
If they want to fuck eight times a month but their partner only wants it twice, they push for putting sex on the calendar once a week.
If their partner’s too vanilla for their taste, they insist that they should still get to have a little kink with them. Maybe not suspended bondage and full-blown degradation, but some light bondage and gentle choking or something.
And if she’s not just into buttstuff, then they try to negotiate their way into a little bit of it. Anal on his birthday. Anniversary anal. Anal every other date night. Whatever - as long as his cock goes in her ass at least once in a while.
None of those are going to work.
And they won’t work for the same reason. They’re transactional compromises. But sex isn’t a transaction - at least not in the context of most relationships.
It’s not a tit for tat thing, where you should get something you want in bed because you gave your partner something they like in bed.
Sexual frequency isn’t something you can cleanly split between the two of you. Wanting more sex doesn’t mean your partner has to make an effort to fuck you when they don’t want to. It means you have to find another way to get your rocks off.
It doesn’t work like that because those approaches basically throw enthusiastic consent out of the window. And enthusiastic consent isn’t optional.
Living That Masturbation Life
When you’re trying to work out a sexual mismatch, you’ve got to do it in a way that respects everyone’s boundaries.
That’s why a good sexual compromise isn’t actually about finding a midway point between what you want. It’s more about finding the most sexual satisfaction you can without pushing your partner out of their comfort zone.
The solution to a mismatched sex drive isn’t to make sure you get a certain amount of sex every month. It’s not banning your partner from masturbating so they save themselves up for you.
Mostly, it’s about finding other ways to get sexual gratification.
If you’re both up for it, that can mean enjoying some mutual masturbation. Getting off together is a really good way to have lots of sexual intimacy even when you’re not actually having sex.
It can mean treating yourself to some sex toys so you can get as much pleasure as you can on your own. There are so many amazing dildos, vibrators, and clit suckers to thoroughly pleasure a pussy. And more than enough strokers to stimulate a cock in cool and interesting ways.
Getting some sex toy mounts can help too. They’re made to fit dildos and vibrators so that you can ride them, rock on them, and fuck them in all sorts of ways that can feel really satisfying if you want to make masturbation feel more like fucking.
Liberator also makes a couple of really cool ones that are designed to hold a Fleshlight. That way, you can fuck your toy doggystyle or missionary to make masturbating to your sexual fantasies feel way more vivid.
Getting a good torso doll or a full-size sex doll is also a really good way to throw a lot more variety into your solo play.
Budgeting for a porn subscription or two helps a lot. Watching cute people do hot things is a good way to satisfy some of your fantasies. It makes masturbating even more intense and arousing.
And if you really want to feel like you’re fucking more often, you can try out VR porn. You’ll be missing the actual tactile feeling of touching someone. But you’ll get pretty much everything else - seeing them right next to you, hearing them speak directly to you, even feeling like you’re making actual eye contact with them.
Same with compromising about anal sex.
In some relationships, it’s just not going to happen. Not everyone enjoys it or is open to trying it and that’s fine.
But you should still find ways to feed your anal fantasies.
If your partner’s turned on by the idea, that can mean working some non-penetrative anal play into your fucking. It could be eating her ass, rubbing her asshole, or hotdogging her with your cock.
If she finds it playful and fun, she might even be down for roleplaying some anal action. Like dirty talking about getting her ass fucked while you pound her pussy from behind.
And you can do it solo too. There are tight ass strokers you can play with while fantasizing about backdoor action. The Fleshlight Girls series even has lots of designs molded directly from pornstars’ assholes.
Even better, you can get a torso doll that’s all about the butt. That way, you’re not just fucking a puckered and tight hole, you’re also gripping on a squishy but firm pair of cheeks while doing it.
And there’s no shortage of anal porn out there for every taste. There’s 21 Erotic Anal for some nice, straightforward assfucking. There’s Modern-Day Sins’ Anal Envy series if you’re looking for something story-based, creative, and really well shot. There’s Evil Angel if you prefer the really intense, nasty stuff like gonzo style assfucking, double anal, and some really rough action. There’s also Teens Love Anal for, well, scenes with teens who love anal.
That’s just the tippy tip of the anal iceberg. So go nuts and keep getting off to butts.
Compromising on kink can be a little trickier, but it’s not impossible.
There’s porn for that too, which is definitely a good solution.
You can also enjoy a bit of roleplay, if your partner’s down for it. They might not want to do specific kinky acts, but they might not mind playing a more dominant or submissive role for you.
You can also fantasize about it during sex. That way you can give your partner a vanilla fuck while playing out a very different kind of sex in your head.
You might not be able to get as much sex as you want. You might not be able to talk your partner into non-stop ass sex. You might have to find a way to indulge your kinks by yourself.
But that’s the whole point of a compromise. It’s not about forcing your partner to step out of their comfort zone. It’s about making room to give yourself as much sexual satisfaction as you can.
Meeting in the Middle Isn’t Worth It
I usually get angry emails when I write about this kind of thing.
I’m basically recommending conversation and masturbation and people get outraged by that. Because they don’t feel like that really solves their sexual frustrations.
They know they could masturbate more. What they want to do is fuck - or fuck a certain way. And they’re looking for tips for nudging their partner into giving them what they want.
And I agree. No matter how amazing it is, diddling a sex doll or jerking off to VR porn isn’t quite the same as doing stuff with your partner.
But it’s way better than any of the alternatives.
Because one of those alternatives is just not compromising at all. Instead, you go on wishing you could have more frequent sex, kinkier sex, or whatever. But all that daydreaming is way more pleasant when you’re also giving yourself plenty of sexual gratification.
The other alternative is coming up with a bad compromise.
You cajole your partner into having anal they don’t really enjoy. You talk them into putting sex on the calendar so they’ll fuck you even when they don’t really feel like it. You ask them to give up masturbating so they don’t waste their orgasms on themselves instead of you.
And that’s a recipe for relationship disaster.
Not just because you’re encouraging your partner to loosen their boundaries. But also because it’s going to completely backfire.
You might get a little more action at first.
Sex every other week instead of every other month. Some reluctant anal experimenting. Rougher, kinkier, dirtier sex.
Mostly, though, you’ll just get resentment.
Having sex they’re not enthusiastic about is one way to get your partner to lose interest in it completely. Feeling obligations and expectations around sex is going to take all the fun out of it for them.
Fifty-fifty sex can be the first step to zero sex. And that’s just not worth it.
It’s way better to find a way to get more sexual satisfaction while still making your partner feel like their needs and desires are respected.
It probably won’t turn your life into a wall-to-wall fuckathon. But you’ll probably be happier, chiller, and have a stronger relationship - and that’s way more important.
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If you liked this article, you should totally check out the Everyone Sucks (AITA, Pornstar Etiquette, and Boners in Class) episode of my dirty and intimate sex podcast, Pillow Talk With Emma Austin!
