Her Ex Was Better in Bed. Now What?
It can be tough to hear, but it doesn’t have to be a bad thing
A lot of guys have a really hard time hearing about their partner’s exes.
Well, some of the exes anyway.
The schlubby guy who was way below her league isn’t that big of a deal.
The rude, obnoxious jerk she can’t believe she dated - he’s alright too.
Same with the one who bored her to tears so she just had to move on. Most dudes can handle that one just fine.
It’s the ones she remembers fondly that are tougher to deal with. Especially if those fond feelings have anything to do with sex.
Hearing too many details about those exes can trigger some instant insecurities.
Like the guy she dated who had firm, well-defined abs that practically looked photoshopped. The one who was so hot she could barely believe she got to fuck him. And there’s no shortage of guys who have lost actual sleep over the ex with the bigger dick.
But the hardest one to handle is usually the ex who just plain fucked her better. Finding out that her ex was better in bed is the last thing most guys want to hear. It can feel completely devastating.
It doesn’t have to be, though. I totally get where that insecurity comes from, but there are ways to handle it well. So if she has an ex who really rocked her world, here are some of the things you should do.
Ask Her if Anything’s Missing
Maybe her ex was some kind of amazing sex god. But maybe there was just one little thing he did that made fucking him really satisfying.
Because a lot of times, it’s just two or three little things that make sex really fucking hot.
Maybe it’s just the fact that he gave her lots and lots of steamy dirty talk.
Or that he’d do a few things that made sex feel extra naughty and got her really turned on. Like eating her ass before fucking her, spanking her like he meant it, or tying her down and using sex toys on her.
It might just be that he did things that made her feel attractive and desired. Maybe he complimented her body and praised her skills, took his time to tease her and build her arousal, or grabbed and fucked her like he couldn’t resist her body.
If that’s the only difference between the way you fuck her and the way she used to get fucked, that’s an easy peasy fix. Giving her what she’s been missing is a perfect opportunity to heat up your sex life.
Up Your Game
Maybe it wasn’t just one little thing. Maybe it was just his whole approach to fucking. And she might not even really know why the sex was better - just that it was.
Even then, you can use it as motivation to get better in the sack.
Learn a few new moves. Maybe work in a couple of advanced techniques too.
Look up tips so you can improve your flirting, your foreplay, and your dick skills.
Definitely start playing around with sex toys. If she has some, start using them on her. Get some new ones so you can give her all sorts of extra stimulation. If she’s interested in it, play around with some light bondage gear too.
Do lots of tried and true things, like eating her pussy longer and showing lots of enthusiasm while doing it. Or rubbing her clit like it’s the main event, not just a way to prep her for your dick. And definitely slow things down and take your time - without toning down the passion.
If you do all that, you might still not compare to him. But you’ll be a better fuck, and that’s going to give you all the sexual confidence you need. Because it’s hard to feel insecure when you know you’re giving her some next level action and back-to-back orgasms.
Find Out if It Even Was the Sex
Some of the hottest sexual experiences I’ve had didn’t have all that much to do with the sex itself.
I mean, obviously the sex had to be pretty good. If it wasn’t at least decent, it wouldn’t have blown my mind and earned a permanent spot in my spank bank. But that’s not all there is to it.
One of my best experiences was with a guy I met and fucked on a train, but a lot of that is because of the train. It made the sex semi-public. That made it feel risky, naughty, and taboo - all things that drive me wild.
It’s also because he seduced the hell out of me. He literally charmed my pants off. And because I barely knew him, I could imagine he was this amazing all the way through. It was pure chemistry with nothing complicated getting in the way of it.
Plus, I had just been through a devastating breakup. And here comes this guy who made me feel cute and wanted, right when I was feeling discarded and unloved.
And sure, the dick was good. But it probably wouldn’t rank as some of the best sex I’ve ever had if it wasn’t for all those other things.
That might be what it was like for your lady and her ex.
Maybe the sex was just okay, but it made her feel like a bad girl and she couldn’t get enough of that.
It could be that he was just the first one to do something to her. The first guy who fucked her hard. The first one to go down on her in a way that made her feel hot. The first guy who did really dirty stuff to her - and she was shocked at how much she loved it.
Or it might’ve just been a toxic relationship.
Sometimes getting dicked around by a guy makes the sex feel amazing because it’s mixed with other intense emotions. It’s not just getting fucked, it’s feeling relieved that he’s no longer being cold and distant. It’s feeling loved and happy after he deprived her of those things. It’s having an orgasm while almost wanting to cry because maybe things will finally be better.
It’s messed up, but that kind of emotional confusion is pretty common.
If it’s the situation that really blew her mind, that’s not really something you can compete with. Whatever it was that made it hot, it’s probably not something a long-term boyfriend or husband could give her.
But that’s okay, because it doesn't really have anything to do with you or how you fuck her. All you can do is keep giving it to her real good - and that should be enough to make her one happy camper.
Be Chill About It
But maybe it really was the sex that blew her mind. And maybe it’s something you just can’t give her even if you tried. Even then, it doesn’t have to be a big deal.
I know that being chill with it is easier said than done. But it’s worth doing the work to get yourself there.
If she’s had a few relationships, the odds of you being her best everything are really slim.
She might have been with someone hotter. A better kisser. A guy with more charm who could woo her like it was nothing. Someone who could make her laugh a little harder.
Or yeah, a guy who could fuck her better.
But none of that means she isn’t completely happy and satisfied. It doesn’t mean that she doesn’t desire you. She can still love getting that dick.
It’s just not that big of a deal, but insecurity makes it seem like it is. It can make you sort of obsess over it. You can’t fuck her without constantly thinking about how she’s had it better.
Except that’s not what’s going through her mind. She’s just enjoying hot sex with the guy she loves.
She’s in the moment, enjoying every thrust, every orgasm - everything about it. She’s not spending the entire time mentally comparing you to some other guy. So there’s no reason for you to be doing that either.
Agonizing over it will make you miserable and it can create a lot of tension in your relationship. But if you can figure out why it bothers you, talk it over with her, and work past the weird feelings, it will stop eating you up inside.
Be Happy for Her
I actually know what it’s like to be in this situation. Because my husband has an ex-girlfriend that I affectionately call the Dick Sucking Unicorn.
I’ve heard all about her mouth skills and I’m seriously in awe of them. I’m talking about blowjobs that lasted so long I have no idea how her jaw didn’t get locked stiff.
From the sound of it, she sucked dick with so much enthusiasm it’s like she had found her calling in life.
Basically, she’s the kind of eager cocksucker every single guy dreams of. Except my husband didn’t have to dream any of it - he had the pleasure of being between her lips on the regular.
And I guess I’ve been insecure about it before. There’s no way I could blow him for that long. I can’t even come close - my mouth’s too small and my gag reflex is too sensitive.
But I don’t feel weird about it anymore. Now, I’m just happy for him.
Not just for all those long, eager blowjobs - for every positive sexual experience he’s ever had. Because I love him dearly and I’m glad he was able to have a great time.
I know that’s not an easy mental switch to make. Having nice warm feelings about the fact that someone else railed her real good probably doesn’t come naturally. But it’s definitely worth reframing it so you can start seeing it as a positive thing.
Because that’s really what it is. She had some excitement. She made a few sexy memories along the way. She enjoyed some terrific fucks that probably made her feel cute and sexy.
That’s a good thing, and realizing that puts you in a way better place. Being glad she had fun is much better than feeling like you have to compete with her past.
Insecurities Suck, But Great Sex Rules
The sucky thing about sex is that most people don’t really talk about it.
They might make dirty jokes or whatever, but for the most part it’s pretty hush-hush.
And when you don’t get to talk honestly about sex, it can make it hard to handle it when it’s not going perfectly.
When sex feels disappointing, when you’re turned on by something that weirds you out, when it leaves you feeling embarrassed or ashamed - a lot of us don’t really know how to process those feelings. Because we’re not used to even opening up about them.
I think that’s where a lot of the insecurities come from. Dick size, exes with amazing tongue skills, your partner’s highly specific porn search history - none of that should be tough to handle. They only are because most of us barely ever have the opportunity to have open, clear conversations about sex.
That’s really the best thing you can do. If you learn something about her ex that makes you feel insecure, let her know about it and talk it over.
And in the meantime, keep working on your fingering skills. No matter what, those will always come in handy.
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If you liked this article, you should totally check out the Unspoken Rules of Sex (Shower Sex, Hair Sex, and Busty Hairdressers) episode of my dirty and intimate sex podcast, Pillow Talk With Emma Austin!
