How to Introduce Mutual Masturbation Into Your Relationship
Rub one out with the one you love
When my husband suggested we masturbate together, it made me feel ashamed of myself.
At that point in our relationship, we were almost never having sex.
I was struggling with vaginismus, which made any kind of penetration very painful. So, every time we fucked, it both felt hopeful and hopeless.
Hopeful because I thought that maybe this was finally going to work. It could be the time that we go slow enough and gently enough that I can actually take his cock without feeling completely uncomfortable.
Hopeless because I knew that it would probably be like every other time. As soon as he slipped a finger insid eme, I’d start wincing and might even end up crying.
That’s not exactly a sexy outcome, so we mostly stopped trying.
But when he suggested that we just lie in bed together and get ourselves off instead, I didn’t take it as a helpful suggestion.
I’m sure he just wanted to open up a way for us to do something sexual together without me needing to endure pain. To me, though, it felt like we were just giving up on our sex life, and that was completely unaccepetable.
It didn’t feel like real, grown-up sex. But mostly, it felt like admitting that I wasn’t capable of satisfying my husband.
So, I shot down the suggestion. And that was a big mistake.
Getting ourselves off together would have been so much more satisfying than avoiding sex. We could’ve been intimate with each other when I was in the mood, even if my body didn’t want to cooperate.
And years later, I found out that masturbating as a couple can be surprisingly hot.
Mr. Austin couldn’t find a good time to get himself off. Not comfortably, anyway. We had a house crawling with kids who were too young to be left alone.
I suggested he do it in bed, right before we go to sleep. He could take care of himself, I could doze off. It wouldn’t be a big deal.
At least, I thought that’s what would happen. But when I was lying on my side, in the dark, listening to the sound of his hand running up and down his lubricated cock, I couldn’t help but feel turned on.
The soft moans he couldn’t hold back were even more arousing.
Instead of going to sleep, I slipped my glasses back on and decided to watch.
Seeing him give himself pleasure was like watching porn in real life. Watching him grunt through an orgasm while his come spilled over his fingers was even better.
The next time he got himself off, I decided to join him. More than ten years after he first suggested we masturbate together, I finally took him up on the offer.
It’s even better than I thought it would be. It was fun, sexy, and really fucking satisfying.
Now, it’s part of what we do. When sex isn’t a good option or we’re just in the mood for a little self-love, we’ll lie in bed together and get ourselves off.
Why You Should Masturbate Together
Since I started writing about mutual masturbation, I’ve heard from multiple people who feel too embarrassed to do it or too shy to bring it up to their partners.
I get where they’re coming from because that’s where I was, too. But the only thing I regret is not doing it sooner.
Even if it starts off a little awkward, it gets very comfortable as soon as you start getting into it. And it’s worth getting over that little awkward hump because mutual masturbation is something that should be in every couple’s sexual rotation.
For one thing, it’s incredibly intimate. Most people don’t often get to watch their partner get themselves off, and it’s really fascinating to see the way they like to touch themselves. It’s like peeping on a little part of their private world, and sharing in that can make you feel extra connected.
It’s a good substitute for a quickie, too. Most days, I can’t get down with a quickie. I need a lot of foreplay and arousal before I can really enjoy getting fucked. So, when I don’t have time for foreplay, sex, and the whole rigmarole, a little mutual solo fun is a really good way to take care of our sexual urges.
I also really like the way it adds variety. I love having a long list of sexual things I can do in bed because that means it never has to get boring. A little mutual masturbation is the perfect way to break up the routine.
And it’s just plain hot. You get to watch someone get off, pay attention to the sounds they make, and see them lose themselves in pleasure. You also get to feel a bit dirty by doing some naughty stuff with an audience.
It might even improve your masturbation. If you’ve got a living situation like the one we had, it might be difficult to find a lot of time and privacy to masturbate the way you really want to. When you don’t have much alone time, you end up masturbating in a rush and that’s just no good.
When you masturbate with your partner, you can take your time and do it right. You create a little masturbation oasis where you can use all the toys you want, pour as much lube as you need, and even do things like edge yourself to prolong the pleasure and get a bigger payoff at the end.
If all you get out of this is better masturbation, that’s a win as far as I’m concerned.
Start With a Conversation
Mutual masturbation is a little bit outside the box for a lot of people. It can be surprisingly hard to break out of the mindset that sex is something you do with a partner but masturbation is something you do alone.
That’s why having a conversation about it is a really good idea. They’ll be a lot more comfortable if it’s something you’ve planned and got excited about doing together instead of something you spring on them right before it’s time to turn off the lights.
Even if you’re both sold on the idea, talking it over can help you figure out how you want it go and what you want out of it. There are different ways to masturbate, so you both want to be on the same page.
Are you just going to do your own thing and sneak quick glances at each other? Are you going to try to finish togehter or go at the regular pace? Is one of you going to stand over the other so you can watch each other very closely or are you going to stay at separate ends of the bed? Are you going to touch each other at all?
Talking about it also helps you figure out what your partner needs. If they’re interested but reluctant, you can find out what would make them more comfortable. If they want a bit of intimacy to get things going, you might start with a makeout session. Maybe they want you to go first. Or maybe they just need a little reassurance that you would love to watch them get off.
Ease Into It Gradually
Masturbating in front of your partner can make you feel very exposed. If that makes you uncomfortable, you can ease into it gradually.
You could start with the lights out and then introduce a some dim lighting. You could also agree to keep your eyes closed and just listen to each other.
You can stay fully clothed, at least at first. If you get more comfortable, you can strip down to your underwear. And if you’re okay with it, you can eventually go fully nude.
I personally really like the fact that Mr. Austin goes first. He needs a bit less warmup than I do, so by the time I’m ready to start really touching myself, he’s already fully nude and stroking off. That takes all the pressure off of me. I can just jump in whenever I want and start doing my own thing.
So, if your partner needs a bit more time. Offer to take the head start to take some of the awkwardness out of it.
Make It a Porn Party
Watching porn while you masturbate together is a great way to make it less awkward because it takes the attention off you. Plus, you get to watch porn and that’s always a good time.
The only thing I would recommend is to agree on what porn you’ll watch ahead of time. Finding the right thing to watch together can be really tricky. One of you might be really into blowbangs but the other finds it a turn-off. Maybe only one of you gets off to all-girl action. Maybe you’re both into hentai but only one of you is entertained by tentacle vids.
One really safe bet for most couples is Bellesa Films. It’s porn created by women that’s nice and hardcore, fully explicit, and extremely well shot.
Mr. Austin and I had a few frustrating masturbation sessions where we spent more time trying to find good porn than we spent actually getting off to it. Plan ahead so you can avoid that.
Use Sex Toys and Lube
A mutual masturbation session is a good opportunity for you to try out new sex toys or play with your favorites.
I usually play with my Pillow Talk Sultry vibrator when I’m jilling off with Mr. Austin. It heightens my pleasure and he seems to enjoy the visual.
And he’s got his own favorites, too. He’s got a Fleshlight Stamina Training Unit that works really well for him, but he usually goes for one of his Tenga strokers. He gets to have more fun stroking and it’s really hot to watch him use one on himself too.
So, go all out. Get the sex toys and have a blast.
Make a Game Out of It
If you want to make mutual masturbation even more playful, you can turn it into a game. It can help take you out of your head and focus on something other than how self-conscious you feel jerking or jilling next to your partner.
Trying going as slowly as you can and really taking your time. Challenge each other to go for more than half an hour, even if you’ve got to edge yourself to make it happen.
You can do the opposite and try to race each other instead. See who can come first.
You can regulate your pace and try to come at the same time.
Or you can make it more interactive by giving each other a JOI experience. Tell your partner to go faster or slow down, what toy to yuse, how to stimulate themselves, and how to make themselves come at the end.
Don’t Put on a Show
When you masturabte together, you don’t need to put on a show. You are the show - you don’t need to perform.
I used to find it a bit annoying to masturbate in front of Mr. Austin because I always tried to do it in a really porny way. On my back, legs spread, rubbing my clit.
That felt really good, but it’s not the way I actually get off when I’m masturbating by myself. When I’m alone, I do it on my stomach, riding a vibrator I tucked between my thighs.
I was worried it would look unattractive. But I eventually got frustrated about giving up my favorite kinds of orgasms when I was jilling off in front of Mr. Austin.
So, I just did it. I flipped to my stomach and humped my toy to a climax.
And I was worried for nothing. Turns out my bare ass moving up and down as I hump my vibrator is a sight that he’s very, very fond of.
So, don’t worry about getting off in a certain way. Masturbate in whatever quirky way you normally do. The hottest thing you can show your partner is your genuine pleasure, so don’t performer - just get off.
It’s Okay to Change Your Mind
You don’t have to commit to it. It’s okay not to go all the way through with it if it doesn’t feel right to you. And just because you do it once doesn’t mean you have to masturbate as a couple from now on.
Treat mutual masturbation as an experiment. Go into it knowing that it’s okay to just stop mid-wank if you’re not feeling it.
If it doesn’t work, just laugh it off. If masturbating side by side doesn’t improve your intimacy, laughing about your fail definitely will.
About half of my sexual experiments were not repeats, but they were fun to try and I’m glad I’ve done them. If that’s all you get from mutual masturbation, that’s not so bad.
Go Solo Together
Mutual masturbation is intimate, fun, and a good way to add more sexy stuff to your relationship.
You might have to start with the lights off or under a blanket. You might have to ask your partner to go first. But whatever it takes, you should definitely give it a try.
It might just become your new favorite way to masturbate.
This post contains affiliate links to Bellesa Films and Fleshlight. If you click on one and treat yourself to a porn membership or a high-quality stroker, I earn a small commission and you’ll be supporting my work!
And if you liked this article, check out the Masturbate Like You Mean It (Beating [Off] the Blues) episode of Pillow Talk With Emma Austin, the dirty and intimate sex podcast I host with my husband!
