Scheduling Sex Doesn't Always Work - This Does

The best way to deal with mismatched sex drives



Losing my libido was incredibly frustrating.

I was still young. I had just entered my twenties and thought it would be a decade of constant great sex.

Instead, I was in this weird limbo space of wanting sex but not really wanting sex.

I wished I could have more of it, I missed having it, and I knew that getting fucked and having an orgasm would feel so much better than watching TV and cuddling until I was too tired to stay awake.

But at the same time, I didn’t have a physical urge to do it. I was missing that burning desire that propels you to fuck.

I felt disconnected from myself. It’s like what my mind wanted was completely separate from what my body was ready to do. And I had no idea how to make them line up again.

That was bad enough, but what I found even more frustrating was not being able to find any helpful advice about it.

At the time, every search I did turned up one single tip. Everywhere I looked repeated the same thing: just have sex anyway.

Often, it was put that bluntly. You should just have sex and, supposedly, you’d get in the mood somewhere along the way (hopefully before it’s over).

The rest of the time, the recommendation was to schedule sex.

Scheduling sex is supposed to fix your sexlessness by making sure you set time aside to get intimate with your partner. It’s also supposed to get you in the mood by making sure you set yourself up for sex.

You anticipate sex, think about sex, and put yourself in a sexy mindset because it’s Wednesday and Wednesday night is business time.

That was a way more reasonable alternative, so I tried it. A few times, actually. Because it was the thing everyone recommended, I figured it was my only hope for fixing my lagging sex drive.

It didn’t work. I put sex on the calendar and gave myself plenty of time to get all worked up. But I never got into it and it didn’t actually boost my libido — not enough, anyway.

Mostly, it made me feel pressured to have sex. I felt like I was pushing against a deadline that I couldn’t meet. That extra stress didn’t help my sex drive at all.

And when I did have scheduled sex, it wasn’t good or satisfying. We did a lot of the things you’re supposed to do when you strip your clothes off and get in bed together. But because I wasn’t physically aroused, it just felt like we were going through the motions. I learned very quickly that pleasure, orgasms, and all the good stuff you get from sex all depend on your arousal.

Without it, I just had physical discomfort, weird vibes, and this sense that my body was being used.

My sex drive has improved a lot since then. I still struggle with arousal, but I’m no longer in a sexless marriage or anything close to one.

It’s in large part because I discovered something that works way better than scheduling sex.

If you’re struggling with mismatched libidos, can’t get your lady boner up when you want it to be, or have a hard time getting in a sexy mindset even when you plan to fuck, don’t put sex on the calendar. Instead, schedule something fun, sexy, intimate, or erotic.

Schedule Sexiness, Not Sex

I’m a big fan of planning ahead, but I’ve found it way more helpful to schedule the pregame, not the sex.

Instead of putting sex on the calendar, set time aside for the kinds of things that turn you on and increase your arousal. The things that make you feel more intimate and connected with your partner. The things that lead up to a fuck, not the fuck itself.

It’s better than scheduling sex because it removes the sexpectations. There’s no pressure to put out and no guilt if you don’t. And if you end up not having sex, you don’t have to chalk it up as a fail.

Scheduling things that make you horny also goes right for the actual problem. When your libido is lower than you want it to be, you don’t need sex — you need arousal.

They’re also enjoyable on their own. When you schedule sex but just don’t feel like going through with it, your evening’s kind of a wash. But when you do something fun and sexy, you still get to do something that’s enjoyable for its own sake.

Of course you still want it to lead to sex, but it’s not so terrible if it doesn’t.

That helps you avoid some of the resentment that can come from scheduling sex. When you put sex on the calendar but you don’t go through with it, it can feel like a broken promise. You tried to get yourself in the mood for sex, but your partner was expecting to fuck too. Maybe skipping on sex night isn’t so bad, but after canceling sex night six times in a row, they might feel frustrated.

Another reason I really like scheduling some sexy pregaming is because scheduled sex can encourage a bit of laziness.

Yes, you’re supposed to spend the day working your way up to having sex, keeping sex on your mind, doing whatever it is you have to do to get yourself there. But if your partner’s already there, they might feel like all they have to do is wait for 9:30 to roll around and they’ll get laid. That gives them less incentive to flirt with you, seduce you, or spend some extra time emotionally connecting with you. And that means you’re less likely to actually want to have sex.

The only challenge with scheduling sexy stuff is that you have to actually figure out what that is. What really gets you going will depend on your personal turn-ons, your arousal patterns, and what exactly puts you in a horny mindset. But there are a few tried and true options that work really well.

Have a Massage Night

Sensual massages are perfect for those evenings when you’re open to the idea of sex but you’re not sure if you can fully get into it.

You get undressed. You feel your partner’s hands rubbing massage oil all over your skin. It’s relaxing and soothing. You’re alone without distractions. It’s basically a recipe for getting hella horny.

But at the same time, it’s just on that line between being sexual and just sensual. The massage doesn’t have to lead to sex. Even when it doesn’t, you’ve still had an intimate experience together and they got to put their hands all over your body.

Plan a Porn Date

Porn is my personal go-to when I want to get in the mood. Watching people tease, undress, and fuck is a reliable way to get the urge to do the same.

When you watch it while someone you love is cuddling and touching you, it can be even more arousing.

The tricky part is finding the right porn.

Your instinct might be to choose porn that’s soft and sensual because you’re not aroused. I personally haven’t found that to be as effective.

When I want to go from zero to horny, I have much better luck going for the dirtiest shit that gets me off. I’ll watch guys talking dirty, shy babysitters fucking the dad who hired them, enthusiastic anal — that kind of thing.

Don’t hold back. Go right for your personal kinks.

It can also be surprisingly difficult to choose porn with someone else. So when you make a plan to watch porn, make sure you also plan the porn you’ll be enjoying together.

And if your porn date doesn’t end in sex, there are other things you can do to cap off the evening. Mutual masturbation is a good choice. Or if you’re into it, you can enjoy some live porn by watching your partner get themselves off.

Do an Erotica Reading

If porn isn’t your thing or you’re just looking for something different, ask your partner to read erotica to you.

This is something I do less frequently, but it has definitely worked. There’s just something about erotica that’s so immersive. You can let your imagination run wild while you’re listening to a story designed to slowly build your arousal.

And because it’s your partner reading it out, it feels like they’re the ones turning you on, not just the words they’re getting from the page.

Get Drunk Together

Sometimes, the reason I can’t get turned on is because I feel emotionally disconnected from my husband.

That tends to happen when we’re too busy to spend a lot of time together. And one of the best fixes for that is a quick, impromptu date night.

That usually means getting drunk and hanging out on the couch. We’ll talk, laugh, and do nothing in particular. It’s grade-A bonding and it leaves me flush with happy hormones from all the laughing and giggling.

The drinks help, too. Having too many results in sloppy sex — or in my case, no sex at all because I get too sleepy. But a few drinks throughout the night can help you let go of your inhibitions and give you the urge to do something naughty.

Schedule a Secret Sex Date

There is one way that scheduling sex works for me — when I schedule it secretly.

If I make a plan to have sex on a certain night but I don’t tell my husband about it, I can do all the things I need to get myself in my sexiest mindset. I can spend the evening relaxing, watch some porn, do my hair and makeup so I feel cuter, and whatever else I need to do to feel good.

And it all happens with zero pressure on my end and no disappointment on his because I’m the only one who knows about it.

Build Your Intimacy

Scheduling sex isn’t for everyone. But everyone can get down with a little pre-gaming. Even if you don’t make it to the main event, you’ll still get to have fun.

It’s also your best chance at having more sex in your relationship. It might not result in a fuck every time you do these things. But the very fact that you’re doing something intimate, erotic, and fun together makes it more likely that you’ll have sex the next time.

It’s all building the foundation for a very hot and sexy relationship. Scheduling sex can end in disappointment, but no one ever regrets making more time for intimacy — even if it just means laughing over a bottle of wine.

Sometimes you need a little extra help when your libido is low. One thing I use to get myself there is On Arousal Oil. Get it from Betty’s Toy Box and use the code LOVEEMMA to save 10% on your entire order!

And be sure to sign up for my weekly newsletter to stay up to date on everything I’m up to and get free access to my Medium articles!