How to Deal With Vaginismus
What to do when your pussy acts like an asshole
Sex isn’t supposed to burn.
But that was the best way I could describe the sensation I was experiencing. Every thrust felt more painful than the last.
It was a sharp, intense, burning pain.
I tried to power through it. To just put up with it until it was done.
Maybe it would somehow fix itself. Maybe it would start to feel good again. Maybe I’d have a good orgasm and it would be all worth it anyway.
But I just couldn’t get there. My tears put a stop to it.
The pain was so unbearable. that it left me sobbing. He pulled out, held me tight, and draped the blanket over me so I wouldn’t have to be crying naked - that’s a shade too vulnerable for anyone.
It was a horrible experience. Not just because it was painful, but because I didn’t have a fucking clue what was happening to me.
Sex had never hurt like that before. And there was no reason it should have. We were doing everything we normally did. But instead of making me come, it left me in a puddle of tears.
I hoped it was a fluke, that it would be better the next time.
It wasn’t. It was the same pain, the same burning sensation, and the same anticlimactic ending.
It didn’t stop. And actually, it got worse. Sex got painful more quickly. Eventually, just having the head of his cock push into me was enough to make me tap out.
I tried everything to make it better.
We stretched out the foreplay to make sure I was wet and ready.
I tried to breathe deeply, relax completely, and focus on my goal of taking a cock like I always had before.
I used so much lube that I should’ve been able to take anything inside me, no matter how thick.
None of it helped, and I lost hope because of it.
I loved my boyfriend. I was very much still attracted to him. I thought I could keep our sex life hot even though we’d been together for a while.
But this was too much. After several attempts, I gave up. Sex is great and all, but there’s no way it’s worth all that pain.
And that was it for me. I was doomed to a sexless life thanks to my body suddenly not knowing how to take a dick anymore.
It only changed because I came across the right word for what I was dealing with.
After countless Google search results that just told me to use lube and go slowly, I finally found an article that described exactly what I was going through.
The reason I couldn’t fuck anymore is because I had developed vaginismus.
A Pussy With All the Wrong Reflexes
Do you know why a lot of women have bad experiences with anal sex?
It’s not because their assholes are too small - it can actually take a decent amount of girth.
It’s because of their reflexes.
Unless you’re fully physically relaxed, your asshole’s instinct is to tighten as soon as your partner’s cock pushes against it.
To have pleasurable anal sex, you need to overcome your asshole’s instinct to clench up.
The reason I’m mentioning this is because it’s the best way to explain what happens when you develop vaginismus.
When you have vaginismus your pussy acts like an asshole.
Instead of welcoming a dick and all the pleasure that comes with it, it tightens. It clenches up. It tries to squeeze itself shut to prevent the penetration.
That’s what makes it so painful. You might want that cock inside you, but your pussy doesn’t. And the end result is some incredibly painful sex.
There are a few different things that can cause that kind of pussy panic. But it all basically comes down to anxieties about sex.
People can develop vaginismus because they’re scared of sex. It can also happen to women who have severe sexual anxieties as a result of a strict religious upbringing. Sexual assault can do it too.
But in a lot of cases, it starts with uncomfortable penetrative sex.
It could be cervical pain from sex that goes too deep before you’re ready to take it all the way.
It can be fucking without enough lubrication.
Or it can be going through with it when you’re not nearly aroused enough.
For me, it was a combination of those.
Sex was usually fine. But once in a while, it felt rushed.
Rushed sex never bothered me before, because I was frequently horny, easy to arouse, and pretty much always down to fuck.
Then the relationship got settled and things weren’t so smooth. I couldn’t really do quickies anymore. I needed a lot more foreplay than I used to. Sometimes, I couldn’t get fully aroused no matter what I tried.
But I still fucked the way I used to.
Sometimes that meant the first attempts at penetration were uncomfortable. If he went too deep, he’d jab my cervix - and not in a pleasurable way. I sometimes had to ask him to slow down or pull out because it just didn’t feel good.
I still wanted him to fuck me. But I started feeling a little bit of anxiety about it because I knew it might hurt.
My pussy got that message loud and clear and it developed some brand new reflexes because of it.
Sex became really fucking painful because my pussy would tighten as soon as it was go time.
It was acting like a real asshole.
And that completely fucked my sex life - until I figured out what to do about it.
If you’re experiencing vaginismus, these are my tips for dealing with it so you can start enjoying pain-free sex.
Don’t Put Your Sex Life on Hold
My one big regret about vaginismus is that I let it completely kill my sex life.
It made penetration impossible and I decided that if I couldn’t get fucked, then I just wouldn’t do anything.
I know. It was a really dumb thing to do. But I had my insecurities and my hangups and that’s where they led me.
Instead, I should’ve doubled down on every other part of having sex.
Penetration was the only thing that hurt, which means I could still enjoy getting my pussy eaten. I could have my clit rubbed. I could let Mr. Austin get me off with a really good vibrator.
I could’ve gotten into handjobs and blowjobs in a big way - years before I actually did.
It would’ve been hot. It would’ve been incredibly satisfying. And yeah, I would have missed penetrative sex for sure, but it would’ve been a lot less frustrating.
Mutual masturabtion is a great option too. It’s super hot and it’s a way to keep things sexual when you can’t actually have sex.
You can have an extremely active sex life with zero penetration. And when you’re trying to overcome vaginismus, it’s really the only way to have one at all.
Start Doing Kegels
If you want to cure vaginismus, you have to retrain your pussy. And that means doing kegels.
Doing regular kegel exercises will give you more control over your pelvic muscles. And you’re going to need all that control when you’re trying to overcome the reflexes that keep you from enjoying penetration.
They’re simple to do and they’re really discreet too, so you can do them pretty much anywhere and any time. You just have to flex your pelvic muscles - the same ones you’d flex to stop yourself from peeing mid-stream. Hold that flex for a moment, then let go, and repeat.
I tried to do 100 of them a day, but even doing a dozen or so a few times a day should help.
Use Dilators
Kegels probably aren’t enough, though. You’ll need to get used to penetration again, but it has to be very slow and gradual. If your vaginismus is bad enough, you won’t even be able to insert a finger without discomfort.
So, get a set of vaginal dilators and use them daily.
Dilators sort of look like tiny little dildos. And I mean tiny - they’re super slim and fairly easy to use even if you have a hard time with penetration.
Start with the slimmest one in your set, get as relaxed as you can, apply lube to the dilator, and slowly insert it.
Once it’s inside you, do some kegel exercises. You can also gently thrust it in and out.
When you can do it without any trouble at all, move to a girthier dilator and repeat the process.
It might take you a long time to work through the entire set. It could be days, weeks, or months - however long it takes for your body to get accustomed to penetration without having a panicky response.
Enjoy Solo Penetrative Play
Once you’ve made good progress with your dilators, it’s a good idea to play solo before you hop back on the dick.
Take it easy and slowly. Start with fingering yourself. When you’re comfortable with that, move on to using a dildo - one that isn’t too girthy.
You’ll probably be more excited for your partner’s cock than a dildo, but this will help you get used to penetrative play without some of the anxieties that you got from partnered sex.
Take Things Super Slowly
Even with all those dilators and solo penetration, you probably won’t be ready to have sex quite the same way you used to. Not right away anyway.
Instead, take things carefully. Make sure you get lots of foreplay. Get completely aroused. And when it’s cock o’clock, keep the penetration slow and shallow.
You’ll eventually be able to get dicked down fast and hard. But for now, you just need to make sure you don’t do anything that will spook your pussy.
So, make it super sensual. Slow things down. Work lots of pussy rubbing into your foreplay. And ease into the penetration.
Enjoy Some Bangin’ Sex
My vaginismus took time to fix, but it was a pretty straightforward case. Sex hurt, my pussy rebelled against it, and I had to show her that she didn’t have to be scared of the dick anymore.
It just took kegels, dilators, and lots of patience.
But it’s different if your vaginismus comes from something deeper. Dilators can’t fix trauma. When that’s the issue, you’ll probably have to take these steps. But a full solution might have to involve therapy or a lot of self work.
Whatever the cause, it’s worth putting in the work to fix it. You’ve already got an asshole that’s finicky about getting fucked - you don’t need your pussy to act that way too.
This post contains affiliate links for dilators and a few things that will help you get back to enjoying sex. If you click on one and get anything from the site, I earn a small commission and you’ll be working more pleasure into your life! Use the code LOVEEMMA at checkout to save 15% on your entire order!
If you liked this article, you should totally check out the My Clit Sucking Conversion (Orgasmic Exorcisms and Masturbating to Failure) episode of my dirty and intimate sex podcast, Pillow Talk With Emma Austin!
