7 Traits of Sexually Self-Sabotaging Men
These guys keep ruining their chances of getting laid
When I invited him into my tent, I had every intention of having sex with him. By the end of the night, I had kicked him in the balls instead.
Well, near his balls anyway. My aim wasn’t very good.
I wanted to get physical with him, but not like that.
I didn’t know him well, but we had been drinking and flirting and sometimes that’s all it takes. I had gone to the party to hang out with friends and avoid another boring night at home, but also in part to get laid.
He seemed like a decent candidate for that last one, so we stumbled to my tent, zipped up the flap, and started making out.
I figured it would be the kind of standard sex I was having at that time. I’d stroke his cock while we locked lips. If I was lucky, he’d rub my pussy in return but I knew better than to expect that. Then he’d slip on a condom and we’d fuck until he finished.
Simple, straightforward party sex. It wouldn’t mean much and the morning might be awkward, but at least it would be fun.
He had other ideas, though.
Stroking his cock wasn’t good enough for him. He wanted to use my mouth instead.
And I don’t mean he wanted a blowjob — I really do mean using my mouth. Once his cock was out of his pants and in my hand, he started using his hand too. Except instead of using it to rub my pussy, he used it to push down on the back of my head.
He wasn’t asking me to suck him off, he was demanding it. I pushed back, refusing to let a near-stranger throatfuck me on our first non-date.
I mentally called off the sex. There was no way I’d fuck him after what he’d done. I’d just mentally check out and keep jerking his cock until he came. That would be the end of it. He’d leave me alone and I’d try to find someone more suitable and respectful to fuck the next weekend.
But the head push didn’t stop. He wanted his cock in my mouth and he was willing to violate me to make it happen.
So, I tried to make him leave. When he refused to, that’s when I started kicking. It was the soles of my stolen bowling shoes and all the strength my legs could muster against the weight of his body and his drunken pushiness.
My heel got close enough to his balls that he gave up.
He was absolutely going to get laid that night. Instead, all he got was a bruise on his inner thigh from a girl who has since forgotten his name.
He blew his chance - majorly.
And in my experience, a lot of guys do. Some of them ruin their chances of getting laid for obvious horrible behavior, like that head-pushing bastard did. Others do it in more subtle ways - ways they might not even realize.
A lot of guys want tips about giving good foreplay, moves that will get a girl hot and bothered, and advice on how to turn a woman on.
Those are all great things to know. But they’re useless unless they also know how to avoid turning a woman off.
These are some of the big ways that guys sabotage their chances of having sex.
They Complain About Their Insecurities
Every guy has insecurities about something. That’s fine. But some of them can’t seem to help dragging themselves down because of them. And they’re less fuckable because of it.
He hates the way his body is too scrawny or chubby. But instead of either accepting what he’s got or working out to change it, he’ll do a lot of moping about it.
He feels his dick is too small or he comes too quickly. But instead of working with what he’s got and finding ways to be better in bed, he has a defeated attitude about the whole thing.
He knows she’s got a type and he ain’t it. But instead of working on being chill with that, he makes passive-aggressive comments about the kinds of guys she finds attractive.
Guys who know how to handle their insecurities are instantly more attractive because of it. I don’t know why that is, but there’s just something really hot about a guy who works on himself or has clearly put in the work already.
Constantly complaining about those insecurities without taking any steps to manage them also shows a lack of ambition, which isn’t an appealing quality.
It’s also going to be a lot harder for her to get in the mood when he’s got such a negative attitude about his body, his appearance, or his sexual performance. It’s just not the right kind of vibe for a horny good time.
And feeling the need to reassure him will put her in mommy mode. That only feels sexy for mommy dommes - and most women aren’t mommy dommes.
A lot of times, whining and complaining about his insecurities will turn them into self-fulfilling prophecies. He’s so worried that he’s unattractive that he makes himself less appealing. Or he’s so convinced that he sucks in bed that it makes her lose interest in fucking him.
They Feel Resentment for Their Partner’s Lower Sex Drive
It’s incredibly common for couples to have mismatched sex drives. And it can be frustrating because it’s something that usually creeps up on them.
At first, it’s sex every day. Maybe even multiple times a day. The new relationship is making them both hormonal and they can’t keep their hands off each other.
Then things start to get steady, the initial rush cools off, and it becomes clear that one of them wants sex more than the other.
That’s exactly the situation I’m in. My husband’s sex drive is way more active than mine. But it doesn’t cause any problems because he understands that I don’t feel sexual desire as spontaneously as he does. And he’s got porn, strokers, and pocket pussies so he doesn’t have to feel pent up and frustrated.
A lot of guys, though, don’t take it so well. If he’s not getting laid enough, he’ll start to resent his partner for it.
He’ll treat her sex drive like a problem that needs to be solved. Usually, he’ll act like it’s an issue that she has to fix all by herself (since it’s something that’s “wrong” with her).
He’ll send her articles (usually written by women, as if that’ll help convince her) about how regular sex is essential for a healthy relationship or about how unloved a person feels when they’re not getting fucked on the regular.
He’ll propose things like scheduling sex and might get pissy when she can’t magically get in the mood because it’s Wednesday night and that’s the night they agreed to fuck.
And the whole thing completely backfires on him.
She feels pressure to get horny or to put out even if she isn’t, which is a major turn-off. She doesn’t feel understood by her partner, which causes her to feel emotionally disconnected from him. And his resentment for her low sex drive creates tension and makes her resent him in return.
I don’t know about you, but when I resent someone, the last thing I want to do is fuck them.
His obsession with fixing her low sex drive or getting her to fuck him despite it makes her lose interest in sex even more - or at least, sex with him.
He ends up having way less sex than he would have if he had just accepted where she was coming from and spent a bit more time with his Fleshlight.
They Aren’t Seductive
Some guys have a weirdly passive attitude about sex. They really want it. They’re totally into it. But they don’t seem to be willing to put much effort into getting it.
They seem to think they can go about their day mostly ignoring their partner and she should be down to fuck as soon as the lights go out.
A guy like that might wonder why she mysteriously lost interest in having sex. He might spend some time on r/deadbedrooms getting all sorts of misleading answers and even worse advice. But he won’t be doing the kinds of things that would actually make her more interested in having sex with him.
Most guys would get laid more if they put more effort into it.
He could improve his odds by being more seductive, doing spontaneous loving gestures, and getting her all worked up in the middle of the day without any expectation that it turns into anything more.
He could spend more time being charming, flirty, and sweet. He could do something thoughtful for her. He could be attentive to something that matters to her.
He could keep his appearance and grooming up, making sure he looks his best even if they’re just spending the day indoors doing nothing in particular.
Doing those kinds of things would put her in a better mood, make her feel appreciated, and keep her thinking sexy thoughts. And that’s going to lead to way more sex than he’d get from not putting any effort into making her feel loved, desired, and turned on.
They Make Sex Feel One-Sided
Guys who fuck selfishly don’t usually get to do it very often.
When the blowjob lasts five times longer than the pussy eating, when he gets to come but she can’t count on having an orgasm, and when she feels like the entire thing is about what he wants instead of what would get her off, she’s not going to be eager for a repeat performance.
No one wants to settle for bad sex. Most of us would rather spend an evening doomscrolling through Twitter than spend it spreading our legs for a guy who thinks that foreplay is a chore.
Fucking a guy who’s selfish in bed just isn’t fun. It’s not playful and exciting. It doesn’t feel satisfying or physically relieving. And the lack of aftercare is likely to make us feel worse than we did before we had sex.
If he was giving in bed while still showing his desires and preferences, she could get really excited about getting to fuck him again.
If he ate her out so long that she came three times from it, there’s a good chance she’ll want to go for seconds before the week is up.
If he makes her feel taken care of and leaves her panting at the end, she’ll probably be putting the moves on him again soon.
But if sex with him is so one-sided that she wishes she had masturbated instead, that’s exactly what she’s going to do the next time she’s horny.
They Play It Too Safe in Bed
My sex life wasn’t always as great as it is now. And one reason for that is that my husband used to treat me like a delicate flower.
I had a really low sex drive and I was worn out by the effects of my chronic illnesses, so I got turned off very easily. When we had sex, he wanted to make sure he didn’t do anything that would spook me. He knew that one wrong move would make me want to call it quits and get cuddles instead of cock.
So, he played it safe. He made sure to go through the tried and true moves that usually got me off. He didn’t say much in case his dirty talk would put me in a weird mood. He was really gentle with me the whole way through.
And no, it didn’t spook me. But it did bore me.
For one thing, it was always the same. He basically fell into a routine of safe moves that had worked before. So, sex got really predictable.
And it wasn’t the kind of passionate, dirty sex I really wanted. There was no dirty talk to get me excited. No kinky stuff to make me breathlessly horny. No squeezing, manhandling, and hard pounding to make me feel desired.
It always made me come, so at least there was that. But it didn’t make me feel hot, so I had a really hard time getting excited for it.
A lot of guys make that same mistake. They make assumptions about what their partner wants (or worse, what they think every woman wants) and keep giving her sex that’s too basic, plain, and routine for her taste.
She might be fantasizing about getting tied up and teased, having him tug her hair gently while he fucks her hard, roleplaying borderline inappropriate scenarios, or getting spanked and being called all sorts of nasty names.
If he isn’t giving her any of it, it’s going to sap the fun right out of it for her and she’ll start losing interest.
They Push Her Boundaries
Head-push guy wouldn’t take no for an answer. He tried to overpower me instead.
Some guys take a more subtle approach. They won’t physically push a girl into doing something she doesn’t want to do. They have other tactics instead.
He might whine and plead to get her to do something that she’s not comfortable doing.
He might imply that if she never puts out, he might have to go get it elsewhere.
He might make passive-aggressive comments that won’t let up until she gives in.
I had an ex who preferred going the guilt route. When I wouldn’t swallow his come or let him fuck my ass, he would question whether I really loved him.
All of those amount to the same thing - treating her “no” as something he can finesse her out of instead of something he has to just accept.
The fucked up part is that it might actually work. He might actually turn her “no” into a very, very reluctant “yes” (or a “go ahead, do what you want”).
He’ll get to fuck her - or fuck her in some specific way.
She wants to end his pestering so she lets him put it inside her.
She’s sick and tired of fighting him off so she goes through the motions and fucks him.
She’ll feel so guilty or inadequate that she’ll go ahead and swallow even if the thought of it grosses her out.
Even if he gets what he wants, it’s a really dubious victory.
For one thing, it’s never going to be good sex. She’s not going to fuck him enthusiastically, suck him off eagerly, or do anything sexy and spontaneous. She’ll just put up with it.
And it might also be the last fuck he gets for a very long time.
When the sex makes her feel violated, it’s going to make her a hell of a lot less interested in doing it again. If she doesn’t break up with him or cut him out of her life, the next “no” she gives him will be a lot firmer.
They Don’t Do Enough to Make Their Partners More Comfortable
I get turned on when I feel completely comfortable. If I can let go, fully trust the person I’m with, and not have to worry about a thing, I’m a lot more likely to get horny.
I’m willing to bet it’s the same for most women.
And it doesn’t take some creepy sexual predator to make us feel off. It can happen with our boyfriends, our husbands, and other guys we like.
Sometimes, it’s not so much that they’re doing anything that actively makes us feel uncomfortable - it’s that they’re not doing anything to reassure us.
We’ve all been raised in a sex-negative culture that also put pressure on us to be naughty and sexy. So, yeah, we’ve got some hang-ups. We feel ashamed of the things we want in bed. We feel embarrassed by the things that turn us on. We feel inadequate because of the things that don’t turn us on.
On top of that, a lot of us struggle to love our bodies - or at least parts of it. Definitely the parts he’ll see when our clothes come off.
Instead of feeling sexy, we spend a lot of time feeling self-conscious.
It makes a huge difference when a guy can break through all of that. A guy who knows how to reassure a lady is going to have a much easier time getting her in the mood.
It could take praise and compliments. It could take some sweet talk and emotional connection. It probably takes some patience and a willingness not to escalate before she’s ready.
Obviously, it’s going to take more than that to actually turn her on. There still needs to be seduction and foreplay. But she’s going to be a lot more receptive to it if he makes her feel good about herself, helps her get out of her head, and makes it safe for her to be as uninhibited as she wants to be.
So Many Missed Opportunities
Sometimes, it seems like the guys who are most desperate for sex are the ones who are the worst at getting it.
They act entitled to sex, even though no one is. They don’t put in the real work to get her in the mood. They make sex so bad that no one wants to fuck them again.
All it does is sabotage their chances. They might not end up with the heel of a bowling shoe near their balls, but they won’t get laid either.
If you liked this article, you’ll probably really enjoy the Rub Me Down and Get Me Off (Massage Porn, Happy Endings, and Goopy Nuru Gel) episode of my dirty and intimate podcast, Pillow Talk With Emma Austin.
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