6 Common Sex Myths That Ruin Relationships

Don’t let terrible ideas ruin a good thing

Sex is an important part of most relationships. But it’s often the thing that ruins them, too.

Sometimes, it’s because there’s a sexual incompatibility.

You like each other, but the physical chemistry just isn’t there. And because it’s missing, so is the excitement of seduction, the primal connection that comes from a really good fuck, and the pleasure that keeps you coming back for more.

Other times, it’s sexual infidelity. Fucking can bring you closer together, but fucking someone you’re not supposed to is one of the fastest ways to push you apart.

Sexual frequency is a big one, too.

Libido mismatch is extremely common and there are lots of ways to keep a healthy, happy relationship when one of you has a much higher sex drive than the other. But some people feel like that’s not enough. The sex is too scarce for their liking, so they decide to move on and find someone who’ll fuck them more often.

But another issue that’s really common isn’t really about how good the sex is or how often you have it. It’s about the things you believe.

Sex is a topic that’s still clouded in a lot of shame and embarrassment. It’s the part of ourselves we tend to be the most insecure about. And it’s the one thing almost none of us ever learned to talk about openly and honestly.

On top of that, there’s a ton of cultural baggage about it and not much education to help us sort through any of it.

So, yeah, it’s no surprise that there are lots of myths and misconceptions about sex.

And the sad thing is, believing those myths can seriously mess up an otherwise perfectly good and solid relationship.

It doesn’t always lead to breakups and divorce. But even when it doesn’t, it can create tension that sucks the warmth right out of a relationship. It keeps couples from having great sex that would make them feel deeply connected. And it can cause lots of plain old frustration and dissatisfaction.

And it’s all completely avoidable. All it takes is a little more knowledge to help us let go of the misconceptions that ruin our sex lives, spoil the romance, and make us feel worse about ourselves.

Myth #1: He Watches Porn Because He Lost Interest in You

I think at this point, most people accept that porn is a thing and their partner is probably into it.

But a lot of people still feel really insecure about it.

As far as I can tell, when guys get insecure about their partner watching porn, it’s usually because of the kind of porn she watches.

Her porn history is full of guys with huge cocks, so he starts to worry that she’s not satisfied with his five-and-a-half inches. Or he finds out that she’s really into gangbangs or cuckold stuff and it sends him into a miniature crisis.

When women worry about their guy watching porn, though, they often worry about the fact that he’s watching any at all.

There’s this really pervasive idea that porn is only for people who aren’t having great sex. That you don’t need it if you’re getting laid or if you still find your partner attractive.

If he’s getting good pussy, why would he ever feel the need to watch porn?

The simple answer is that he watches porn because it’s really fucking entertaining. It has nothing to do with how attracted he finds his lady or how good the sex is. It’s just really fun to watch and it’s as simple as that.

I watch plenty of porn myself and it’s not because I’ve lost interest in my husband. It’s the same way that watching romantic comedies doesn’t mean I’m bored of my marriage.

Your partner watching porn shouldn’t be a source of insecurity. It shouldn’t make you worry that he’s not into you anymore or that he’s not getting what he needs out of your sex life.

He’s just doing something enjoyable and it really isn’t more complicated than that.

Oh, and the guys who find their partner’s search history don’t have anything to worry about either. It’s just a fantasy and nothing more.

If she likes to watch girls getting railed hard by thick twelve-inch cocks, it doesn’t mean she’s upset by the size of yours. She might not even want to actually get pounded by a twelve-incher - that sort of thing often sounds better than it really is.

But even if she really does wish she could get double teamed by two extremely well-hung guys, it doesn’t actually matter. She can still be perfectly satisfied with your sex life even if her fantasies look different than what you’re giving her.

Myth #2: You Shouldn’t Waste Your Arousal by Masturbating

This is a really common attitude, and it can be bad for everyone involved.

There are lots of people who believe that they shouldn’t masturbate because they should save that sexual energy and desire for their partners.

I fell into that trap myself for a very long time. My partner has a way higher sex drive than I do, so I felt guilty if I ever got myself off instead of trying to stay horny for him.

That backfired really fucking hard.

For one thing, it usually didn’t work. I’d skip the self-love and then I couldn’t manage to get horny enough to fuck.

I’d end up with zero orgasms and extra sexual frustration. My husband wound up not getting laid and probably asking himself why I was grumpier than usual.

So, a complete lose-lose situation.

It was actually worse than that, though, because I’m pretty sure it actively harmed my libido.

Masturbation is a great way to feel sexual. It makes you feel sexier, encourages you to have lots of naughty thoughts, and fires up your fantasies.

The less I masturbated, the less I was interested in having sex.

I tried really hard to save myself for my husband and the only thing I saved myself from was feeling horny and having a good time.

If you feel guilty about masturbation, you should work on that. It’s not actually going to lead to more sex because I can’t think of a less sexy feeling than guilt.

Masturbation is pleasurable and healthy. It’s a really great activity if you’re the one with the higher sex drive and want to relieve some tension. But honestly, I think it’s even more important for those of us with low libidos - sometimes, it’s our only opportunity for sexual pleasure.

If you feel the need to save yourself for sex, it’s going to make you feel frustrated and miserable.

If your partner expects you to, that’s even worse. Not only is that controlling, it’s also going to create a lot of resentment - from both of you.

So, go ahead and masturbate. Masturbate as often as you can. Masturbate even when you could be having sex. Your life and your relationship is going to be so much better when you let yourself have all the pleasure you want.

Myth #3: Only Damaged People Have Kinks

A lot of people who don’t have first-hand experience with any kind of BDSM really struggle to understand what would motivate someone to engage in kink. And a lot of them end up assuming it has to come from some kind of emotional trauma or bad upbringing.

If you want to be spanked and humiliated, it’s probably because your mother was too quick to punish you when you were a child.

If you want to be tied up and called a whore while you get facefucked, it’s definitely because your dad never really loved you.

In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if most people believed some version of this.

And that can be a problem in relationships, because some of the people who buy into it also believe there’s something wrong with indulging those kinks.

I’ve been told that BDSM is something people with emotional issues do during hookups, but that it has no place in a real relationship - that kink and love are incompatible.

I’ve heard countless stories of people whose partners look down on them for having a kinky side. They want to be spanked, humiliated, tied up, and controlled - and their partner thinks that means there’s something wrong with them.

Those attitudes can cause a lot of problems.

It’s fine for someone not to share their partner’s kink. It happens and it doesn’t have to be a problem. But looking down on them for having it is. Shaming them is even worse. And being upset if they try to find ways to satisfy it on their own is a problem, too.

Having a partner who doesn’t respect your kink is going to make you feel misunderstood. Feeling like you need to keep your desires under wraps creates a lot of tension and distance. And not being able to talk about an important part of who you are is going to make you feel lonely in your relationship.

And it’s all for nothing because it isn’t even true. People who practice BDSM don’t tend to do it because they need to cope with some kind of trauma. They do it for the same reason most people have sex - because it feels really fucking good.

As someone who enjoys a good amount of sexual submission, that’s exactly what I’m in it for.

It’s about feeling levels of arousal and pleasure that I can’t reach from vanilla sex. It’s the emotional high that comes when I’m floating in subspace. It’s the intense orgasms I get from being dominated in just the right way.

It’s not just me wallowing in some toxic state of mind.

But also, I kind of wouldn’t care even if it was.

If having sex a certain way is therapeutic, that’s honestly great. I can’t think of a more exciting way to get emotional comfort and confront your trauma than by having really hot, kinky sex. That’s something that should be embraced, not shamed.

Myth #4: Jealousy Makes the Sex Hotter

I’ve heard a few variants of this myth.

It might be that jealousy creates a lot of tension, and that tension turns to passion when it’s time to fuck.

It could be near-constant fighting that someone insists leads to lots of deeply satisfying make-up sex.

Sometimes, it’s just plain anger. That a hot temper and short fuse outside of the bedroom translates to intense, hardcore sex in the bedroom.

No matter what version of the myth you hear, it’s always the exact same thing. It’s a way to excuse or accept toxic behavior instead of confronting it.

For one thing, it’s wrong. You can have all that amazing sex without having a rocky relationship. I can tell you that for a fact.

You can create lots of passion without jealousy - you just need enough seduction and playful experimentation.

You can have hot, intense sex without chaos in your life. All it takes is lots of foreplay and breaking out your best sex moves.

Make-up sex is never going to be as satisfying as sex that comes from a place of deep connection and incredible pleasure. You don’t need to put up with constant fighting to get a top-notch fuck.

And even if you couldn’t have that kind of sex without all those other intense feelings, it wouldn’t actually be worth it. I’d be much happier with a completely sexless marriage that was cool and healthy than having great sex with someone who acted like an asshole toward me the rest of the time.

I also firmly believe that sex in a toxic relationship isn’t even as good as people think it is. It’s not more pleasurable. It’s not more intense and orgasmic. It’s not more loving.

The reason the sex can seem so good is that it usually comes with a deep sense of relief.

You feel relieved because your partner is fucking you instead of yelling at you. You’re relieved because they’re actually treating you with love instead of suspicion for once. You’re relieved that the fighting is finally fucking over and you’re on good terms again - for now, anyway.

That can feel really intense because it’s basically giving you emotional whiplash. You go from feeling tense, upset, or worried to feeling happy and loved.

But having amazing sex without those shitty emotions to begin with is so much better.

If you keep telling yourself that your partner’s shitty behavior is fine because it creates passion, I highly recommend taking the focus off the sex and the relief it gives you.

Instead of looking for a silver lining to a bad relationship, start working on it instead. Deal with those issues before it’s too late to fix them. Or move on and find someone who knows how to make you feel good without having to bring you down first.

Myth #5: Men and Women Can’t Have Close Friendships

A lot of people raise their eyebrow when they find out a man and a woman are super close friends. It’s pretty common to think that can’t happen without a risk of it turning sexual.

In a way, I almost want to believe that. Friends-to-lovers is a really hot scenario and I’m low-key rooting for every friendship to turn into at least a fuckbuddy situation.

But as much as I want to ship every single close friendship, I’m aware that it’s a pretty rare thing. Most friendships start platonic and end that way too.

But there are plenty of people who assume that reality looks a lot like my fantasy world. They think every close friendship between a man and a woman must have an undercurrent or raw sexual tension.

They might think that because they believe men and women are too fundamentally different to get along really well. They can be acquaintances, work colleagues, or friends-of-friends, but anything more than that doesn’t make sense unless they’re driven by the possibility of sex.

Other times, it’s because they think men are basically ravenous animals who “only want one thing.” And that one thing isn’t to hang out and smoke weed at the park - it’s to Nice Guy their way into fucking every girl they know.

It’s kind of a silly thing to believe, but that doesn’t mean it’s rare.

It doesn’t mean it’s harmless, either. That kind of thinking can cause a lot of problems in a relationship.

Believing it can make you treat your partner and their close friends with suspicion.

In the worst cases, it’s going to make you want to control them - to tell them who they can and can’t be friends with, or what they can and can’t do with their friends. But even if it doesn’t go that far, that disapproval can still come out in more passive aggressive ways.

And even if you do manage to keep it under wraps and not show those feelings at all, it would still cause you a lot of distress and anxiety.

Thinking that your partner is cheating or always on the verge of cheating is terrible for a relationship. And it’s a whole lot of fuss for nothing if your only evidence for it is that they’re close friends with a dude or a lady.

Myth #6: Anything That “Women Want”

Women can fall into this kind of trap, too. But it’s guys who seem especially prone to it.

A lot of guys are convinced that women’s minds are incredibly complex and mysterious. They think that women practically speak in code - that they say one thing but really mean another.

And that applies double when it comes to sex.

There’s this idea that women are coy as hell. That we have sexual preferences that we hide and will never express. We’re all burning with desire for something, but we’ll keep it a secret and just hope some man will come around and give us exactly what we want.

Some guys even claim that women don’t actually know what they truly want. Our poor lady brains are so muddled that we don’t even know what truly turns us on.

Pickup artists and fuckbois are especially prone to this kind of thinking.

They’re the ones who will say that every woman secretly desires to be choked and have her hair pulled.

Or that no matter what kind of sex she claims to like, deep down she wants to be dominated. And by “dominated,” they usually mean fucked aggressively.

And on the other end of that spectrum, you have the guys who are convinced of the exact opposite.

They’re the ones who think that no woman has a genuinely kinky bone in her body.

They believe that women only want sweet, romantic, sensual sex. That their idea of a really fucking hot night involves candlelight and rose petals.

They think women can only get turned on by romance and by men who are gentlemanly and deferential.

Sometimes, those guys take on faux feminist airs. They will loudly proclaim that facefucking a woman or calling her a dirty little slut during sex is demeaning - even if that’s exactly what she asked for.

Either way, it’s total and complete bullshit.

Any belief about what kind of sex women want is going to be wrong because we all want something different.

Yeah, some women will get immediately turned off and feel violated from even the lightest humiliation or domination. Their idea of seduction is a guy being really sweet and intimate with them.

But other women will get really fucking wet for a guy who takes charge and knows how to manhandle them. Or they might genuinely enjoy choking on a dick and have their heads pushed down during a blowjob.

And some women won’t be into dominant guys at all because they want to do the dominating. They want a sexually submissive guy they can domme the fuck out of.

The only way to really know what your partner wants is to talk to have open conversations about it. You’ll know if she has any kinks, turn-ons, and preferences because she’ll tell you.

Let go of your assumptions about what women want and stop trying to read between the lines or figure out what she secretly wants but refuses to say. Those things are all going to make you a worse partner because your assumptions are almost certainly false. You’ll end up trying to be a kind of person she doesn’t need you to be and fucking her in a way she doesn’t even want to be fucked.

If you want to know what she really wants, feels, or desires, all you have to do is ask her about it.

Don’t Buy the Bullshit

There’s so much misinformation, weird attitudes, shame, and insecurity surrounding sex that sometimes I’m genuinely surprised any of us manage to have a good time in bed.

Sex should be pleasurable and exciting. It should be fun and playful. It should bring couples together and make them feel closer.

But when we buy into some of the misconceptions about sex, it often does the opposite.

Letting go of all those bullshit beliefs is one of the best things you can do for your relationship.

Masturbate as often as you want without any guilt. Let your partner enjoy all the porn they want. Let them be their kinky selves without getting all weird about it. If you can do that, you’ll both be a lot happier for it.

If you liked this article, I bet you’ll love Pillow Talk With Emma Austin, the dirty and intimate sex podcast I host with my husband!

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