3 Dildos I Kind of Regret Getting
It’s not them, it’s me
I’m not one to complain about a decent dildo.
Sure, I’ve got my preferences.
I’ll take a soft dildo over a rigid one. I like one that’s either super realistic or really cute. And I tend to avoid the ones that are so thick you can still feel it hours after you’ve washed it and put it back in the drawer.
But still, I’ve got enough holes and kinks that I can usually find some way to enjoy just about any artificial cock.
I’m pretty okay at roleplay too - as long as I’m doing it quietly in my head, anyway. And a fake dong can make some of my hottest fantasies way more vivid, even if it’s a really stiff one.
Really, any nice shaft you can fuck yourself with is a blessing.
So, I’m pretty darn happy with the dildo collection I’ve built. I’ve got my favorites, but none of them are total duds. And I know I’ll get an extra flutter of joy every time I get to stick another suction cup base on the shelf and display one more proud, wobbly dick.
But as much as I want to love all dildos unconditionally, I’ve had three that made me feel kind of iffy.
The Ghost Dick
I haven’t written about Rob in a long time. To be honest, I don’t really think about him much these days.
But for a while, I couldn’t get him out of my mind.
I had just opened up my marriage and there he was. Messaging me daily. Getting more and more intimate. And eventually flirting me right out of my pants.
It was exactly the kind of excitement I needed at the time.
After being married for a good long time, just the idea of getting naughty with someone who wasn’t my husband gave me a tingly thrill. It opened up a part of me that I had locked down a long time ago.
It made me feel special. It made me feel alive. It gave me butterflies.
And it made me horny like you wouldn’t believe.
Rob didn’t live anywhere near me, though. It was strictly a long distance crush. But I really wanted to feel closer to him, so I asked for his measurements.
Like, his dick measurements. I made him bust out the ruler and give me his length and girth.
Then I looked at the specs on every single realistic dildo I could find until I spotted one that matched his size.
I ordered it immediately and paid for the fastest shipping available. I didn’t want to wait any longer than I had to.
I didn’t want to just fantasize about fucking him anymore. I wanted to feel his exact girth in my mouth. I wanted to know precisely what it would be like to take him down to the balls.
Well, turns out rush shipping wasn’t quick enough. Because a lot can happen in a few days and by the time the dildo showed up at my doorstep, Rob and I had a falling out.
We stopped talking, parted ways, and my desire to fuck him had completely dried up.
And here I was with a replica of his cock. The ghost dick of a guy who wasn’t part of my life anymore.
It wasn’t a bad dildo by any means. I would’ve probably used it plenty if it was just another sex toy. But it reminded me too much of him - which makes sense, because that’s what it was supposed to do.
So, I pushed it to the back of my sex toy drawer and that’s where it stayed for a really long time. I didn’t use it until months later, when the thought of him didn’t sting anymore and that dildo could be just another random dick.
My Monstrously Massive Cock
All I wanted was an easy ride. That shouldn’t be too much to ask for a girl with multiple dildos.
Like, it’s supposed to be really simple. You grab the shaft and slap the dick on the floor, the wall, the side of the tub - anything the suction cup will stick to is fair game. Then you get in position, line yourself up with the dildo head, and then ride that thing like it was wearing a saddle.
But I had trouble finding a spot that worked well. And it got even tougher when I wanted to film myself fucking my toys.
Maybe it’s because my spatial reasoning sucks. Maybe my ass is too big - entirely possible. But for whatever reason, I just couldn’t get it right.
And I kept coming back to the same thought. If my dildos were longer, it would solve everything.
Not just a few inches longer, though. I’m talking like a foot or two.
With that much reach, I could get a perfect ride every single time.
So I started looking closely at dildo specs for the first time since the Ghost Dick. But this time, I didn’t really care about the girth. I just needed something with lots of distance between the base and the tip.
I bought the longest one I could find - a whopping 14 inches of pure dong. And yeah, I’m sure you can already tell when this is going.
I still get nervous just looking at it (photo by author)
My very appropriately named King Cock showed up in a slim box that was long enough to hold a vacuum sealed twin mattress.
Seeing it in person confirmed that, yep this was one long sea monster of a cock.
But the thickness on it was massive, too. So girthy I got nervous just looking at it. A size queen’s wet dream if I’d ever seen one.
It would definitely reach everything I wanted it to. I just wasn’t sure it would fit.
I tried it a few times because I’m a trooper and I was determined to get my money’s worth. But it wasn’t the easy breezy ride I had wanted it to be. It didn’t really feel like a dildo - more like a dick-shaped forearm.
So, it was back to the drawing board for me. I’d have to figure out some other way to get a good ride.
And it was to the back of the closet for the King Cock.
That’s where it’s standing right now, ready in case I ever need a humongous cock. Because you just never know what the future holds.
A Wobbly Jelly Dong
I’ve known about jelly dildos for about as long as I can remember. I also knew I was supposed to stay away from them.
They look all fun and floppy, but they’re not made of body safe materials. They’re porous, which means they can harbor all sorts of bacteria and have no real business anywhere near your pussy.
But I didn’t want one for my pussy - I wanted one for my ass.
See, I had a drawer full of dicks I could double penetrate myself with. But I was having a really tough time actually deciding which to use. Because I knew the moment I’d stick one of my dildos in my keister, it would permanently become a butt dildo and never get to stroll down my garden path ever again.
That’s a big commitment. And my pussy wasn’t ready to break up with any of these silicone dicks - she mates for life.
So, I figured my best bet was to get a jelly dong that couldn’t go in my pussy anyway.
And it worked. Problem solved. I had a long, soft, wobbly blue dick for all my buttstuff needs.
Except it always felt like a compromise.
Nothing beats a good silicone toy - and this was no silicone. It didn’t hold its shape enough to position easily. It didn’t quite have the right feel for replicating a good ass dicking. It also collected dust and cat hair like a bitch.
Eventually, I just put on my big girl pants and made a decision. I picked one of my favorite silicone dildos and designated it my backdoor buddy.
It’s an amazing King Cock Elite that’s slim enough to be comfortable in my ass, long enough to fuck it right, and has vibrations that can take me to the moon and back.
It’s just about perfect - way better than any jelly toy could be. And I really should’ve gifted it to my butt from the start.
It’s Not Always Meant to Be
There’s really nothing wrong with any of these dildos.
The Ghost Dick would’ve been a perfectly fine toy with plenty of great uses. It just came with way too much emotional baggage. Which is all wrong because that’s one of the perks of playing with dildos - they’re dicks with zero strings attached. Even your torso doll and his sexy abs won’t care if you ride it, wash it, and shove it back in the closet when you’re done.
That huge King Cock has its place, too. For me, that place is in storage. But for someone else, it’s exactly the kind of big challenging beast they crave.
Plus, lots of ladies love feeling small - and trust me, this thing will make you feel real tiny.
Even the jelly dong is worthy of love and affection. It wasn’t nearly as good as the dildo that’s now married to my ass, but it was a fine fling while it lasted. It’s soft and supple enough to get comfortable angles. It’s long enough to give a satisfying thrust.
And yeah, it’s a bit too flimsy and annoying to clean. But it’s a pretty affordable way to bang your butt and even frugal girls deserve anal action.
It just wasn’t meant to be, so I had to semi-break up with all those dicks. But I really did mean it when I told them it’s not them, it’s me.
This post contains affiliate links to a few different dildos. If you click on one and treat yourself to anything from the site, I earn a small commission and you’ll be ready for all kinds of penetrative fun! And be sure to use the code LOVEEMMA at checkout to save 15% on your entire order from Betty’s Toy Box!
If you liked this article, you should totally check out the Hot Pussy Eating Positions (Doing It Standing and Eating It From the Back) episode of my dirty and intimate sex podcast, Pillow Talk With Emma Austin!
