8 Ways to Increase Your Sexual Self-Esteem
Because you can’t have great sex unless you feel sexy
There are lots of things that go into making sex really arousing and satisfying.
Having an attentive and communicative partner is at the top of the list. You can’t really have amazing sex if you’re banging a dud.
Then there’s your side of it. Knowing a few good moves helps a lot. If you can stroke lovingly, suck enthusiastically, and arch your back and grind your hips like you’ve been practicing it, you’ll definitely turn up the heat.
Owning the right sex toys and accessories helps, too. They can add variety, increase pleasure, and give you more orgasms - all of which can make each fuck even more memorable.
Then there’s the way you feel about yourself. Specifically, how you feel about yourself as a sexy and sexual person.
That might not sound as important as having a partner who’s great at eating pussy, but it really does make a huge difference to how good the sex is going to be.
It’s almost impossible to have great sex if you don’t actually feel sexy.
It’s hard to just let go, be uninhibited, and fully enjoy the moment if you’re self-conscious, stuck in your head, worried about your appearance, or embarrassed by your performance.
I know what a big deal that is because it was my problem for a really long time - most of my adult life, really.
I was fascinated and attracted to lingerie. But the closest I ever came to dressing up for sex was wearing a naughty Winnie the Pooh costume. Okay, not really. I just kept my shirt on when I fucked the way I imagine Winnie would if he wasn’t an ace icon.
I didn’t do it because I thought it was a cute look. I did it because I was convinced my stomach wasn’t cute enough to show.
My tits, too. They weren’t as perky as I’d like them to be, so I often kept my bra on during sex.
In my fantasies, I was a dirty girl. I said all the nasty words and did even nastier things. But as soon as the lights were dimmed, I was passive.
I didn’t believe I could actually pull off being sexy so I didn’t even try.
I knew exactly what hot girls would do in those situations, but I didn’t think it would be a good look on me. So, I kept the sex basic. I didn’t try much or do anything special.
It was boring because I was boring.
But after about a decade of boring sex, I managed to turn it all around.
I got a bit of sexual confidence, even though I sometimes feel like I’m faking it until I make it.
I learned that I could pull off - well, not sexy but at least cute.
I managed to start doing the kinds of filthy things I’ve always wanted to do because I don’t let my performance anxiety hold me back as much as it did before.
And I can finally fuck in the buff. My shirt comes off now. No more popping my tits out of my top as a compromise.
Sex isn’t boring anymore. It’s downright incredible. I’m having some of the best sex I’ve ever had. And yeah, some of it has to do with my husband’s fingering skills and my closet full of sex toys. But a lot of it comes down to feeling good about myself.
That didn’t happen overnight, but it was something I did deliberately. These are some of the things helped me build my sexual self-esteem so I could stop fantasizing about hot, dirty sex and actually have it.
Wear Lingerie
The first time I tried on lingerie, I was so embarrassed that I left all of it in the fitting room.
I was going to buy it to surprise my boyfriend, but one look in the mirror and I decided to just bake him something instead.
I walked out of the store, wondering why a plain, frumpy girl like me would’ve even bothered stepping into it in the first place.
Sadly, that isn’t unusual. A lot of women feel the same way. They might love the idea of lingerie but they don’t bother with it because they don’t think they can pull it off.
It looks great on models, but what about average girls, big girls, and awkward girls?
Well, it looks great on us, too.
I mean it. I’m not just saying that. I guarantee that you would look hot in lingerie because every woman does.
There’s no such thing as a woman who can’t pull it off. Because if your partner wants to see you naked, they will also want to see you wearing something sexy.
Wearing something hot is a big step to feeling hot. It’s seriously transformative. It might feel a bit awkward the first few moments you put it on, but as soon as you get comfortable in it, you become the bad bitch who wears lingerie and that’s an incredible feeling.
If you don’t find lingerie appealing, then try wearing cute costumes during sex. Wear something revealing. Cosplay while fucking. Think of an outfit you love and wear the slutty version of it. I’m currently working on assembling the perfect schoolgirl uniform because that’s a big fantasy of mine.
And if this feels like too much, take some baby steps. Wear lingerie under your clothes. Having that sexy little secret is going to be enough to make you feel naughty and more sexually confident.
Take Your Masturbation Very Seriously
I’ve jilled off in a rush plenty of times. In fact, it’s all I ever used to do. I’d lock the bedroom, find something dirty on Pornhub, and ride my vibrator until I came as quickly as possible.
It works. You come, you get the stress relief, you tone down your sexual frustration for a while.
What it doesn’t do, though, is make you feel like a sex goddess.
I didn’t even come close to making myself feel that way until I started really leveling up my masturbation.
The big thing was spending a lot more time on it. Instead of having a five minute fling with myself, I’d give myself at least a half-hour space for buffing my muffin.
That meant I could find porn that was really worth watching - something that spoke to my personal kinks and preferences.
I would be able to touch myself slowly, feel my body and all the different ways it would react to stimulation.
Instead of just grabbing my favorite vibrator, I’d line up a few to play with. I’d get some good lube, a vibrator or two, maybe a dildo or a thruster. When I was in the mood for it, I’d use a buttplug or a floppy thin dildo that I love fucking my ass with.
It didn’t just mean I’d get off in all sorts of different ways. It also meant I learned to take my pleasure more seriously. I got to immerse myself in fantasy. I gave my body all the stimulation it craved instead of giving it just enough to hold me over until I felt the urge again.
It genuinely made me feel connected with my body and sexually empowered. It helped me understand my needs and gave me the sexual confidence to ask for it during sex.
A quick jill is still fun, but if you really want to build yourself up, take the time to romance and fuck yourself real good.
Take Dirty Selfies
It might be weird to say this, but I consider getting dirty in front of a camera to be kind of therapeutic.
Taking lewd photos, nude selfies, and filming hardcore solo porn really do make me feel great.
You would think that getting exposed would make you feel self-conscious, but it’s had the opposite effect for me. It quiets down the self-critical voice in my head. It helps me express my sexy and cute side, and seeing me in my best light helps me realize I can pull off the dirty girl thing after all. Maybe not perfectly, but well enough.
You don’t even have to show them to anyone. Keeping them entirely to yourself is fine.
I used to only share some of them with my husband. Others I’d keep to myself. I held onto them because I liked looking back at them whenever I need to boost my sexual confidence or just feel better about myself.
But even if you delete them as soon as you turn off the camera, it still works. Treating yourself like a starlet or a pornstar for the hour you spend shooting is going to change the way you look at yourself, even if you never look at it again.
If you want an even bigger improvement to your self-esteem, though, you can get one by posting your best shots or footage on Reddit. Even if you do it anonymously, the positive, horny feedback you get is going to make you feel hotter and sexier.
Your nudes are going to make you feel hot no matter what. But nothing compares to the validation you get from other people appreciating them.
Let Your Partner Worship Your Body
Asking your partner to worship your body or giving them permission to do it is seriously transformative.
I got lucky with this one. I never had to actually ask for it because I married a guy who loves to show his appreciation for my body in all sorts of ways.
If I had realized just how much it changed the way I felt about myself, I would’ve probably mustered up the courage to ask for it.
To do this, take sex off the table for a bit. No fucking. No handjobs and blowjobs. Nothing like that. Other than that, give your partner permission to do whatever they want to your body.
Let them undress you, squeeze your thighs, lick your nipples, give you a few spanks, rub your pussy, lick you all over - whatever the fuck they’re inspired to do when they have physical access to you but aren’t allowed to use their cock (not yet anyway).
The way they’re going to grab you with desire, pleasure you enthusiastically, and just look at and touch you in whatever way they please is going to make you feel more attractive and wanted.
Body worship is going to make you feel hotter and make you realize just how much your partner is into you physically.
It’s part of the reason I’m so fond of my ass. My husband is really into it, so whenever he has the chance, he’ll worship it. He can spend long stretches of time doing nothing but grabbing it, massaging, admiring it, spanking it, and digging his face into it.
Feeling how passionately he loved it helped me fall in love with it, too.
And even though it can feel a tiny bit awkward at first, being the center of attention and on the receiving end of all that physical stimulation just plain feels great.
Watch Porn Performers Who Look Like You
One of the things I really struggled to see in a positive light was my weight. I’m a chubby lady, and it took me a long time to actually embrace that.
Porn played a really big role in getting me there.
I decided to actively watch porn with women who had my body type. I knew girls my size could be cute. I knew they could be hot. But I haven’t had a lot of opportunities to see them be desired, to watch them get fucked passionately, and to watch them flaunt their bodies and sexual skills.
Watching chubby girl porn helped me see my body in a completely different light. I watched women rock the same thing I have and look amazing while they did it.
I was jealous and turned on at the same time. The more I saw bodies like the one I have getting touched, licked, and railed with complete enthusiasm, the easier it was to see my body as a sexual body.
If you haven’t seen a lot of porn with people who look like you, I highly recommend you go find some and watch it. It does amazing things for your sexual self-esteem.
And it’s not hard to find because there’s no such thing as a “porn body.” Yeah, there are plenty of slim, young women in porn. But they’re not the only ones fucking on camera.
There are big girls starring in BBW porn who flaunt what they have and look hot as hell doing it.
You can find lots of plump girls who genuinely look like they might live next door to you.
There are rail-thin girls who know how to rock a scrawny frame.
There are girls jacked up with impressively thick muscles.
There are countless mature women getting worshipped and fucked, from MILFs to GILFs.
There are girls who look cute instead of sexy. The nerdiest of nerds and the geekiest of geeks.
Whatever it is about your appearance that makes you feel self-conscious, insecure, or unsexy, there’s going to be porn with girls who have the same features.
Reddit is a great place to find ordinary-looking people baring it all. Tube sites like Pornhub are great, too, because that’s where a lot of amateurs go to upload their videos.
And don’t just watch the videos, check the comments. When you’re on a subreddit or a clearly labeled Pornhub clip, you’re in a space that people sought out. They clicked on it specifically to get hard and jerk off to these women, so they have nothing but extremely positive things to say about them. Watching someone who looks like you get fucked passionately can make you feel sexier, and seeing dozens of people fawn over them really helps too.
Use Positive Self-Affirmations
This one was surprisingly tricky for me.
Watching porn is easy peasy. Spending half an hour masturbating wasn’t exactly difficult, either. Even taking nudes felt kind of natural.
But standing in front of the mirror saying nice things about myself felt extremely silly at first.
I forced myself to do it, though, because I needed something to counteract all the negative self-talk I gave myself.
I spent a lot of time telling myself I wasn’t attractive, that I was the kind of girl who should fuck with the lights off, and that I was too awkward to be cute.
That didn’t put me in the right mindset to take chances in bed, to pose or show off for my partner, or to have the kind of amazing sex I wanted to have.
So, I tried to shut up my inner mean girl by being nice to myself instead.
Whenever I stood in front of the mirror, I tried to focus on things I liked about my appearance instead. And I just kept repeating those.
I started with my freckles because I think they’re cute. My blue eyes, too - I like the way they look with my purple hair.
There’s a curve right above my hips that I think is attractive, so I kept reminding myself of that.
And I have an ass that will not, can not, and shall not ever quit.
After doing my makeup, my hair, and getting dressed, I’d look at the end result and tell myself I was cute. It didn’t matter that I can’t pull off hot, that you could never call me a seductress or whatever. I’m cute, and that’s fine.
It didn’t stop there. After a while, I started to like the whole package. I’m still self-conscious about some parts of my body, but I can at least look at myself and think I’m not so bad.
I don’t know if I exactly consider myself fuckable, but all of it helped me feel more fuckable. And that changed how I acted when I was naked, made me less inhibited, and significantly improved my enjoyment of sex.
So, be nice to yourself. Even if it feels forced at first, it’s going to make a difference to how you feel about yourself.
Flirt More
Flirting can be hard to sustain in a long-term relationship. Which sucks, because that can really kill the spark.
It also makes it harder for you to feel like your sexiest self.
It doesn’t matter how hot you are - if your partner doesn’t keep acting like they’re into you, it’s going to make you doubt your appeal.
If the flirting has died down, bring it back. Start hitting on your partner again. Compliment them for no good reason. Look at them with your best fuck-me eyes and let them wonder what naughty thoughts were going through your head.
Getting flirty will give you tons of sexual energy. It will make you feel more attractive, turned on, and get your mind going to dirty places.
It’s also going to create a sexually charged connection with your partner. You won’t ever have to wonder if they’re still into you and your body because you’ll have constant reminders that they are.
The fact that they’re flirting with you is going to make you feel wanted, and that’s going to help you feel more desirable. And that’s going to do wonders for your sexual self-image.
Get Experimental
When I first met my husband, my sexual confidence tripled almost overnight.
There were a lot of reasons for that, and it wasn’t just the way he worshiped my ass. It had a lot to do with the fact that we were trying pretty much everything.
In our first year together, we had threesomes and a foursome. We had plenty of anal sex. We fucked outdoors so often it’s incredible we only got caught a handful of times. We tried every position we could think of. I tested every blowjob technique I read about. We visited the local sex shop regularly to buy new toys.
It didn’t all work out amazingly. Some of the group sex was awkward. Neither of us were fit enough to pull off some of the positions that looked really hot in the porn scenes we watched together. And some of the techniques that sounded great on paper ended in laughter instead of orgasms.
But it didn’t matter because every single new thing we tried made me feel more sexually experienced. And the more experienced I felt, the more I thought of myself as being good at sex.
I might not be the hottest girl on the block, but I’d done some shit, y’know.
If you’ve been wanting to try something, do it.
If you’re curious about light bondage, get some cuffs and a blindfold.
If you want to try deepthroating, there’s a good chance your partner will be more than happy to let you practice on them.
If the thought of doing anal turns you on, work some assplay into your masturbation and partnered play.
Masturbate together so you can see how vulnerable and intimate that feels.
Take turns giving each other a really good time with pussy massages and cock massages.
Talk dirty, roleplay your fantasies, use sex toys to pretend you’re having a threesome.
Anything and everything that comes into your dirty little imagination - do it all. Try everything and you’re going to come out the other side with so much sexual confidence that you’ll have a hard time believing you were ever sexually self-conscious.
Be Your Sexiest Self
I don’t even recognize myself anymore.
I basically look the same as I did a few years ago. I’m still a married chubby lady with colorful hair, four kids, and cockblocking anxiety issues.
I’m still just as much of a homebody. I’m still an uncool dork who likes to binge watch YA TV series I’ve seen a dozen times. I still have heart eyes for all things plaid.
But I feel completely different.
I actually feel cute most of the time.
I can’t compare to the bendy girls in porn who make deepthroating and dirty talk seem hot and effortless. But I still feel like I’m probably at least kind of fun to fuck (in a high maintenance sort of way).
I can get naked without cringing on the inside. I can bend over to let my husband get a good look at my ass and it makes me feel sexy instead of mortified. I can actually believe his words when he praises my body.
My sexual self-esteem still needs some work, but it’s gotten much better. It made sex a hell of a lot more fun. It nourishes my inner dirty girl. And it just feels fucking great.
It takes some time to become your sexiest self, but it’s completely worth doing. Start now. Experiment in bed. Say nice things about yourself. Make some porn. Try out some lingerie.
You got this.
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If you liked this article, you should totally check out the These Motherfuckers Want to Fuck Some Mothers (MILFs, Experience Gaps, and Mommy Issues) episode of my dirty and intimate sex podcast, Pillow Talk With Emma Austin!
