This Is Why You’re Only Turned on by People You Can’t Get
You might just be aegosexual
I’m somewhere on the asexual spectrum. But exactly where I fall on it is kind of complicated.
Almost everything about my sexuality is fluid.
I consider myself sexually submissive but there’s a domme in me that gets the urge to come out once in a while. Sometimes I’ll get a massive craving for dick and other times I’m pretty much through with men. A lot of my sexual preferences come and go like moods.
I’m asexually fluid too.
Technically, I guess that makes me graysexual. That’s basically a catch-all term for anyone who is kind of or mostly asexual but doesn’t fit the definition perfectly.
But even that feels a little too firm for what I’ve got going on.
I identify with different kinds of asexuality. Not all at the once - it’s more like I slowly cycle through them.
When I’m at my most sexually open, I’m basically in demisexual mode. I can experience something like sexual attraction, but only for someone I’ve established a strong emotional bond with.
Other times, I’m more sex neutral. I’ll be vaguely open to the idea of getting down and dirty, but I don’t feel drawn to actually doing anything - or anyone.
And every once in a while, I’ll go full blown sex averse. I’ll be actively turned off by everything. The thought of having sex bothers me. Really good porn starts looking either gross or boring.
Thankfully, that doesn’t usually last more than a few days. But it happens enough that I try to have a few porn clips banked for my OnlyFans and half-written drafts so my blog doesn’t dry up just because I did.
It’s all over the place and mostly unpredictable. I’m basically on an asexual roller coaster.
It took me years to put all the pieces together, and I’m still adjusting them.
One piece gave me more trouble than the others, though.
I’ve always been deeply confused by the fact that I could almost always feel really strong sexual desire - but not for anyone I could actually pursue.
As long as there was some real distance involved, I could get turned on.
But the minute I tried to imagine actually fucking the people who made me feel that way, I’d lose my arousal. Even the thought of being in the same room as them would be enough to fuck up my desire.
It never fully clicked until I was deep into a bunch of Reddit threads trying to pin down some part of my whole sexual deal. That’s when I saw a few references to aegosexuality.
From there, I was just one Google search away from figuring out a pretty big part of who I am.
Leave Me Out of the Sex Please
Aegosexuals get turned on by sexual fantasies.
They might get really aroused by watching porn. Reading erotica or filthy fan fiction can get them turned on too.
Some of them feel genuine sexual attraction to fictional characters or porn performers they like watching.
All very familiar experiences for most people.
Except that for aegosexuals, it doesn’t really go beyond that.
The arousal they feel when dreaming up dirty scenarios or watching smutty videos doesn’t translate to any real life sexual situations.
And if they can feel sexual attraction to fictional characters, they don’t feel it for people they actually know.
The more I read about it, the more familiar it felt. Because aegosexuality has been a huge part of my sexual patterns.
It’s less pronounced now. I feel a lot more in-person desire these days. But if I look back over my whole adult life, I spent the vast majority of it smack dab in aegosexual territory.
And it confused the fuck out of me.
I had a strong suspicion that I fell somewhere under the asexual umbrella. I had mostly lost interest in having sex. I got warm, fuzzy feelings for my husband but it almost never translated to sexual desire.
When I did get horny, it almost never made me want to fuck. It just gave me the urge to masturbate.
And trying to push myself to have sex instead of jilling off usually ruined my arousal. Unless the horniness was so powerful I couldn’t suppress it, trying to psych myself up for sex made my lady boner go soft.
But there was one thing I couldn’t figure out.
If I was so turned off by the idea of having sex, why was I so fucking turned on by porn?
I couldn’t make sense of my sexuality because of it. Even when I was sex repulsed, I was almost always extremely porn positive.
TV shows with sexy themes turned me on. Erotica made me feel hot. Porn made me horny without fail. But none of that ever translated into a desire to actually fuck my husband - or anyone else.
Now I mostly get it, though. I even know why I had such a hard time figuring it out. I was asking myself the wrong question.
I kept wondering why I couldn’t get turned on for someone I loved and found appealing in all sorts of ways. It wasn’t really about sex with him, though. It was about sex with me.
Because being aegosexual isn’t really about being turned on by smut. It’s about being turned on by sexual scenarios that don’t involve you.
That can be for all sorts of different reasons.
Some aegosexuals might be icked out by sex but perfectly fine watching it or thinking about it.
They could find actual sex disappointing, unsatisfying, or emotionally uncomfortable.
Or it might just not click for them. The sexy feelings they have when they fantasize just aren’t there when they’re trying to connect with someone else.
For me, it was awkwardness.
It’s tough to describe, but any kind of sexual activity made me feel like I was being put on the spot.
It made me feel uncomfortably vulnerable and exposed. Sex made me feel incredibly insecure. Most of all, I was embarrassed and self-conscious as hell.
On rare occasions, I was so horny that I could power through those feelings. The rest of the time, they killed my interest in fucking.
But they couldn’t ruin my love of porn. They couldn’t complicate the arousal I got when flipped through erotic novels.
Because none of that smut actually involved me. And no me meant no awkwardness, which meant I wouldn’t get turned off.
Living the Horny Asexual Life
My aegosexuality isn’t as pronounced as it used to be.
It resurfaces when I get sex neutral but still watch plenty of porn in the bath.
And it might partly explain why I love subscribing to cute girls on OnlyFans but would never message them. I just want to peep and creep, and I feel like being seen or acknowledged could ruin the experience for me.
So, it’s still there. But it used to be pretty much my whole deal.
And I wish I had come across the concept a lot sooner. Because aegosexuality can be tough to deal with when you don’t understand it.
It can make you feel like there’s something wrong with you.
You can waste so much time on solutions that won’t actually work for you. All to fix something that might not actually need fixing.
It can make you seem emotionally unavailable to people who don’t get it.
It can make your partners question whether you’re actually into them because you can get it up for hentai and GIFs of people dry humping but can’t muster the same kind of active desire for them.
And having the right label makes it a lot easier to explain what’s up - to them and to yourself.
Like any kind of asexuality, it can still be tricky to manage - especially in a relationship.
But as someone who cycles in and out of it, I’ve got to say that it’s not all that bad. I like being aegosexual a lot more than being sex averse. It means I can at least get lost in filthy fantasies and get off frequently. And that can be incredibly satisfying.
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If you liked this article, you should totally check out the Broads So Real You Can Practically Bang Them (VR Porn, Wet Dreams, and Bisexual Spitroasts) episode of my dirty and intimate sex podcast, Pillow Talk With Emma Austin!
