What to Do When You Walk in on Your Partner Masturbating
I learned the hard way
It was still dark when I woke up. I wasn’t normally up this early, but I couldn’t get back to sleep.
I yawned, stretched myself out of bed, walked to the living room - and saw way more than I expected to.
Every morning, I found my husband in the same spot. He’d be lying on the couch reading a book, ready to slip his bookmark between the pages and make us breakfast.
Not this time, though. He was at his desk.
And he wasn’t reading a book. He was watching porn.
I can’t remember what he was watching. I didn’t look long enough because my eyes immediately moved down to see his hand gripping his hard cock.
He saw me almost as soon as I saw him. In a panic, he slammed his laptop screen shut and quickly wrestled his dick back into his pants.
I froze - wide-eyed, staring, and not having any idea of what I should do.
He struggled to regain his composure and stammer out an explanation. I didn’t stick around for it. I turned on my heels and power walked back to the bedroom so I could lie in bed and process what I just saw.
I’m sure he felt embarrassed - he was literally caught dick-handed. But I was too overwhelmed by my own feelings to consider his.
I was flushed with embarrassment, though I wasn’t entirely sure why.
I felt self-conscious, too. At that point in our relationship, we weren’t having sex very often. I assumed he would be masturbating at least occasionally, but actually seeing him in the act gave me a visceral reminder that I wasn’t giving him a whole lot of sexual satisfaction.
Mostly, I felt angry. Angry with him for putting me in that position. Upset that he had done it with so little discretion. And deeply annoyed that he hadn’t bothered to do it behind a locked door.
I had so many questions, but none that I could bring myself to ask him. Like, I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that he was watching porn while wearing headphones.
I hate porn on mute too, but that’s just asking to get caught, isn’t it?
And why was he jerking it at 6:30? He woke up every morning at 3:00 a.m. and spent most of that time lounging around and reading. Why did he wait until the sun was almost up to take care of business? Was the risk of getting caught part of the thrill?
When I finally managed to cool off, I stepped out of the bedroom and went about my day. We carried on as usual, with a heaping dose of awkwardness hanging in the air.
We didn’t talk about it for another ten years.
I’m not proud of the way I handled that moment. If I could do it over, I would.
My reaction might not have been the healthiest, but it was fairly typical. When you walk in on someone mid-stroke, you’re never quite ready for it. It forces you to think of your feet while you’re being hit with lots of conflicting emotions.
There’s a much better way to handle it. If you ever walk in on your partner getting themselves off, this is how you should react.
Don’t Offer to Help
Whenever the subject of catching your partner masturbating comes up, there are guys who will proudly declare that they would simply offer to give their lady a helping hand.
Those are some noble intentions. Horny, mostly, but well-meaning.
It’s also kind of misguided.
I’ve seen those porn videos, too. Someone gets caught touching themselves and it ends a round of intense sex.
They’re hot, they’re fun, they’re playful. But they’re pure fantasy.
In the real-life version of that scenario, your partner probably won’t want a hand (other than their own).
For one thing, there’s a good chance they’ll feel embarrassed or even ashamed. Masturbation’s still a touchy subject for a lot of people (pun intended). They do it, but they’re not comfortable being so open about it.
But even if your partner is totally secure about their self-pleasure, they still probably won’t be inviting you to join in when catch them in the act.
The abrupt interruption is more likely to make them feel flustered instead of turned on. That jumpy reaction you have whenever you’re caught doing something private will send their heart racing - but in the wrong direction.
On top of that, there’s a reason they decided to masturbate instead of trying to put the moves on you.
They might just be squeezing in a quick and easy orgasm to relieve some physical tension.
Maybe they were excited about watching a hot porn scene and wanted to enjoy it to the fullest.
Or they were just in the mood to get their fap on. Masturbation isn’t just a substitute for sex - it’s its own pleasurable, awesome activity. Sometimes, you just want to play with yourself even when there’s a really good fuck available.
So, if your partner decided to take some time to play solo, it’s best to respect that instead of trying to turn their me-time into some partnered action.
Encourage Them to Keep Going
Instead of offering to lend a hand, give them a quick apology for stepping in on them. Encourage them to carry on and then step right back out of the room to give them some privacy.
Don’t just quietly turn around and walk away. That’s what I did when I caught my husband beating off and it’s just no good. It leaves things way too vague. They might wonder if you’re upset with them, weirded out by it, or quietly judging them.
That’s going to fuck up their good time. So it’s best to say a few words to let them know you’re alright with it.
Once you leave, they might decide to pull their underwear back on and wait until they stop blushing before coming out of the room.
They might be too busy giggling and giddy embarrassment to stay horny.
Or they’ll just shrug off the interruption and go right back to working up to that orgasm.
It doesn’t matter what they do. What matters is that you give them the privacy they need to carry on however they wish.
Talk About It
Saying nothing when I walked in on Mr. Austin was bad enough. Saying nothing the rest of the day was much worse.
Talking about what happened can feel uncomfortable. But leaving it hanging in the air is going to be way more awkward.
If it made you feel weird, let your partner know so you can talk those feelings out and get any kind of reassurance you need.
If they feel ashamed over the whole thing, a good conversation can help them feel better about the whole thing.
If either of you were turned on by it, that’s worth mentioning too.
Even if neither of you have big feelings about it, talking it over will help you normalize it. Being super open about masturbation made my marriage better and I highly recommend taking the opportunity to shake the secrecy right out of it.
Plus, talking about it brings you one step closer to laughing about it, which is the perfect place to be after any awkward situation.
Make a Plan if They Need Space
If you caught your partner, it’s probably because they don’t have a good time or a convenient place to get themselves off.
I’m sure my husband jerked off in the living room because the only locked door he could use was the bathroom, which isn’t an ideal place to wank.
Our schedules also lined up pretty closely, so he almost never had the apartment to himself.
Looking back, we should’ve made a plan so I could give him the space he needed to play with himself.
That’s what we do now. We don’t exactly have a plan, but we give each other a little private time when we need it. It just takes a text saying that the bedroom door is going to be locked for a while.
When Mr. Austin can’t find time during the day to do it, he’ll ask if I mind him jerking off before going to sleep. I don’t, but I appreciate him checking anyway.
That works perfectly, and no one has to worry about getting caught with their hand covered in lube.
If They Fantasize About Getting Caught, Find Another Way to Roleplay It
There’s one more reason you might have walked in on your partner pleasuring themselves. They might have wanted to get caught.
It’s a pretty common fantasy. If you’re masturbating and trying to come up with a plausible fantasy, having someone walk in on you is an obvious option.
Getting caught might also be a recurring theme in your spank bank if you get turned on by a bit of humiliation.
If that’s what your partner gets off to, leaving the door unlocked in the hopes that you’ll walk in on them isn’t the right way to live out that scenario.
Doing that puts you in a tough position. It can feel like they’re imposing their desire on you. And there’s a good chance it won’t play out the way they want it to anyway because there won’t be any seduction or foreplay to get you in the mood.
But you can still find a way to fulfill their desire.
Roleplaying is the best way to make that fantasy come to life. Schedule a time for it and get yourselves worked up and horny independently. Then, walk in on them mid-wank and take it from there. If they’re into humiliation, feign some outrage. If they just love the scenario, let your mock surprise melt into intrigue and arousal.
If they want a more authentic experience, establish a masturbation time with an open door policy. Maybe they do it at three o’clock every Saturday in the bedroom. And if you happen to be in a frisky mood, you can barge in on them if you feel like it.
And if you’re not comfortable at all with the whole caught fapping fantasy, that’s not a problem. Some fantasies just have to stay fantasies and that’s fine. Plus, they’re in luck, because there’s some really good porn that will cater to that exact scenario.
Be Chill
I’ve been pretty lucky. I’ve been masturbating for over twenty years now and haven’t been caught a single time.
If anyone did walk in on me, though, their reaction would make a huge difference.
If they handled it well, it would be one of those awkward things that I could laugh off. First out of embarrassment, but eventually because it’s genuinely funny.
If it got weird, though, it would have stuck with me. Things like that always do. I’m not sure what kind of effect it would have, but I’m sure there would be some shame involved.
So, if you walk in on your partner masturbating, make sure you’re chill about it. Even if they have their fucking headphones on for some reason.
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And if you liked this article, you should totally check out the Outdoor Shenanigans (Getting Frisky and Getting Caught) episode of my dirty and intimate sex podcast, Pillow Talk With Emma Austin!
