What She Means When She Says "Don't Stop"
A lot of guys get it wrong. Here’s how to get it right.
I used to repeat the same two things to my husband whenever we had sex.
One was “softer.” The other was “slower.”
I’d have to repeat myself because I felt like he never seemed to be listening to me.
He would rub my clit a little more softly, but there was still too much pressure. Or his tongue would slow down but still move too fast.
And often, he would just speed up or start going harder again.
It’s like going light and slow went against his instincts.
I couldn’t figure it out until I noticed there was a pattern to it. It usually happened when I was about to come.
I would feel my pleasure building up. His wet fingers sliding rhythmically across my clit were hitting me in just the right way. I would start moaning and letting out a few hushed words to show that I was getting there.
I’d be about to hit that peak and then I’d lose it when his fingers would start strumming me faster.
After getting so close to my orgasm I could kiss it, I had to work my way up to it again.
It happened when we fucked, too. He would thrust into me so perfectly. I was grabbing handfuls of the blanket and muffling my shouts into my pillow. At one point, I’d yell “Fuck yes! Don’t stop!” and it’s like something I said switched his gears.
It’s like we were playing a two-person game of Telephone. By the time those words got to his ears, he interpreted them as “Fuck me harder!”
I love the feeling of his hips slamming into me, but it just wasn’t what I needed in those moments. Not if I was going to come, anyway.
Our communication got better over the years. When I ask him to slow down or go softer, he actually does now. He got the picture when I told him “go slow” means “barely move your fingers at all.”
And he knows what it takes to make me come, so I don’t have problems with him changing things up when I’m about to get there.
But he isn’t the only guy who had this pattern. Most of the guys I’ve been with seemed to go faster and harder whenever I was reaching an orgasm.
That’s one of the reasons I never actually had one.
There seem to be some crossed wires when it comes to this. When women say “Don’t stop” or “I’m gonna come,” guys seem to hear “Go harder” or “Fuck me faster.”
Even My Vibrators Try to Play Me Like That
I like buying vibrators that have cool features.
I’ve got one that moves up and down to simulate the “come hither” motion that feels so good when you’re getting fingered (except this one’s cock shaped and vibrates so it’s a whole other experience).
I’ve got one that thrusts on its own, which has a very special place in my heart (and elsewhere).
I’ve got a warming one, which is pretty cool and quite nice to bust out in the winter.
I’ve got hands-free ones, wearable ones, and remote control ones.
I love all of it. I get excited for all those different bells and whistles.
But there’s one feature that almost every vibrator has that I normally don’t care about: lots of settings.
It’s fine if a vibrator has 10 or 12 settings or whatever, but I know a lot of those are going to be pulses and patterns.
To me, that just means the toy has multiple modes that can’t make me come.
Those different vibration patterns usually feel pretty good but they can’t take me over the edge. When I get close to coming, they just tease me. I feel a very brief sensation that gets me closer and then it stops buzzing for a second, or buzzes at a different intensity, and I just can’t get there.
It’s like the sex toy version of saying “Don’t stop” and having the guy switch things up. And that’s one part of sex I’d rather not replicate with my toys.
That’s why I was so happy I managed to find a wearable vibrator with only three speed settings. No patterns. No pulses. Just straight up buzzing to get you where you need to go.
I finally felt like I had a vibrator that listened.
I’m being a little harsh about those vibration patterns. I do play with them occasionally. They’re a good way to tease and edge myself, or work my way up to the real deal.
But if I use them for too long, I buzz myself numb. I get a little too desensitized and then I struggle to have an orgasm.
The same thing happens when a guy goes too hard or too fast when I’m getting close.
Going more aggressively when I need some steady stimulation doesn’t just mean I have to start over and work my way back up to an orgasm. It also means I might not get to climax at all, or not very easily anyway, because all that stimulation desensitizes me.
It wears out my clit, and then I have to decide if I’m going to just give up or use my most reliable vibrator until I get myself there. No one needs that kind of frustration.
“Don’t Stop” Means “Don’t Change a Damn Thing”
I love varying the sensations and playing around when I’m building my arousal. I love when we’re just having fun and I can enjoy whatever the hell he’s doing to me and how good it feels.
But eventually, I need to get past that finish line. For that, I need some steady focus.
When you notice that your lady’s about to come, that’s what she needs - more of whatever it is that got her there.
When she says “Don’t stop” or shouts “I’m gonna come,” she’s asking you to keep giving her exactly what you’ve been giving her.
Same speed. Same pressure. Same rhythm. Same depth. Same fucking thing all the way through because she’s trying to ride that precise stimulation all the way to a climax.
You don’t need to drive her hard to get her there. That’s just going to veer her off course.
Now, I don’t think men are being dense or anything like that. My best guess is that they’re overcorrecting.
When they hear “Don’t stop” or see that she’s about to come, they want to make sure they’re not giving her less stimulation. But concentrating on not slowing down or going lighter ends up making them go faster and harder.
It might also be because they like to ramp things up when they’re about to come. Maybe they prefer more intensity right before hitting the finish line.
I asked my husband about this. He told me, “Not sure. I think I can go either way. Who knows though.” (It’s fine. He’s helpful in other ways.)
Or maybe when a woman is getting close to coming, guys tend to think it’s time to pull out the big guns - use their best moves and go full force to really help her get there.
If that’s what it is, then let me tell you that we don’t need the big guns. Keep the same gun. Use whatever gun that got us there. That’s the gun we need.
When she says “I’m gonna come,” it’s because you’re doing something right. Don’t fuck it up by changing a thing.
If you want to guarantee she has an amazing orgasm, I highly recommend pleasuring her with an amazing Lovense app-controlled toy like the Ferri or the Lush! Those are affiliate links, by the way. If you click on one and treat yourself to anything from the site, I earn a small commission and you’ll be enjoying better foreplay, intense horniness, and easier orgasms!
And if you liked this article, you should totally check out the Unspoken Rules of Sex (Shower Sex, Hair Sex, and Busty Hairdressers) episode of my dirty and intimate sex podcast, Pillow Talk With Emma Austin!
