I Use Masturbation to Manage Insomnia

After years of restless nights, I finally found something that works

In my mid-20s, I started feeling like I was in my 70s. As the symptoms of my chronic illness got worse, I was hit with persistent fatigue.

I feel tired all the time, the way my grandmother always seemed to be.

That makes it hard for me to stay awake, to think clearly, or to just get through the day.

It’s like something is weighing my brain down, and it makes everything just a little harder.

The obvious solution to feeling so exhausted would be to get some sleep.

Sleeping off my fatigue would be wonderful. I would love nothing more than to drift away into a pleasant sleep and wake up refreshed and full of vigor.

Only problem is, when I started feeling fatigued is around the time I stopped being able to get restful sleep.

Well ain’t that some kind of a bitch.

Insomnia is one of the cruelest jokes my health has played on me. I feel tired all the damn time but can’t sleep properly.

I go to bed at a very decent hour, but it usually takes a while before laying on the pillow turns into a bout of unconsciousness.

Once I do fall asleep, the struggle isn’t over. I wake up frequently, often to ruminate on something or bask in the toxic glow of free-floating anxiety. I toss and turn throughout the night.

Eight to ten hours after I went to bed, I wake up feeling almost as tired as I did the night before.

After years of trying different solutions, I finally found one that has pleasant results.

From Over-the-Counter Medication to Prescription Cannabis

Before anyone thinks of flooding my responses with simple tricks they guarantee will help me sleep, let me assure you that I’ve put all the sleep hygiene best practices into action.

I tried putting the phone away two hours before bed. I turned off the laptop and read books instead. I even put sticky notes on my alarm clock so I couldn’t see the digital numbers it displayed.

I tried keeping the room dark. I tried keeping it cool.

I tried moving a chair into the bedroom so I wouldn’t spend any time sitting in bed until the moment I was ready to go to sleep.

I even tried deeply relaxing hour-long massages from my dear husband right before turning in.

Some of it was pleasant in a hygge kind of way (don’t bother with the sticky notes, but do say yes to books and massages), but none of it had much of an effect on my sleep.

So I turned to things I could get over the counter.

I tried Melatonin but the results were inconsistent. After that, I tried a nightly dose of Benadryl.

The Benadryl helped me fall asleep, but I discontinued it after reading about the potential effects of regular use.

After dealing with a cold or two, I found out that Nyquil could knock me the fuck out. It became my little night cap.

The problem with Nyquil is that it worked almost too well. I’d wake up each morning feeling groggy, like the active ingredients were still coursing through my system.

Still, it was better than nothing. I wasn’t a habitual Nyquil user, but I kept a bottle on hand at all times in case I needed more help falling asleep than usual.

I kept that up until I was prescribed cannabis as a sleep aid. This was the first solution that actually worked and didn’t leave me feeling messed up.

But it isn’t perfect. I vape cannabis in the evening to help me feel pleasantly relaxed and tired in a “I could sleep” kind of way, not a “Why can’t I function?” kind of way. That leaves me with a brief window. If I go to bed before 10pm, I’m good. If I stay up later than that, I feel wired and I spend way too long laying awake.

But even if I lay my head down in time, I still don’t get high-quality sleep. Mainly, I wake up frequently, about every two hours.

It’s the same schedule I kept when I was feeding a newborn, except now instead of getting to smell the top of a baby’s head (every parent knows what I’m talking about) I just have to listen to my husband snoring.

Things were improving overall, though. But some nights were still better than others.

It couldn’t just be the cannabis. I was using that pretty consistently. So, I decided to keep a tally of the things that happen throughout my day so I could figure out what accounted for those sleep differences.

I figured I’d uncover some small thing that had a huge impact. What I ate or when I ate it. How much physical activity I did during the day. Whether my kids threw more tantrums than usual.

The results were all over the place. None of those things seemed to make a difference.

Almost nothing stood out. The only thing that did was sex.

After having sex, I’d fall asleep easier, sleep better, and wake up feeling not so terrible.

So, this was it. I found the solution to years of insomnia. To get some decent sleep, I’d have to fuck my husband every night.

Enter the Orgasmatron

My husband has always been in my corner but I’ve never seen him be so supportive of my recovery. To say he was on board to bone down on the daily would be an understatement.

His enthusiasm wasn’t one-sided. I was really excited, too.

I’ve always wanted to be the type of woman who has sex every day. Obviously, I’d need a willing participant, and quality candidates are sometimes hard to come by. But I figured once I became someone’s wife, I would keep the marital bed so warm it would almost melt the memory foam.

Well, it didn’t turn out that way, for reasons ranging from chronic conditions to kids with special needs.

But this was going to be my chance to be the kind of wife I always wanted to be. Daily trips to the Love Shack were now practically a medical necessity. I needed it to function.

I should’ve known that much action would be too much for my sick ass to take. Daily sex was fun but I very quickly learned that I don’t have the kind of energy to sustain it.

Fatigue is still an issue, so having sex often means putting in a lot of effort to just power through that - yes, it’s even a problem for a pillow princess like me.

I’m also pretty damn self-conscious, even around Mr. Austin. So, getting sexy always involves at least some low-key anxiety.

The fuck fest didn’t last a week. By day five, I woke up feeling - well, not terrible but a bit emotionally messed up. Free-floating anxiety had crept back in and I was feeling just sort of worn out.

My desire also flagged. I had trouble getting and staying and the mood when my emotions were so out of whack. I used porn to get me there. That worked exactly one time, and the next day even the filthy stuff couldn’t move me.

I needed a new game plan. If I wasn’t going to be able to have sex every day, I would at least make sure I have a really strong orgasm.

Sometimes, that would still mean making Millhouse eyes at Mr. Austin until he gets the picture and does some porny stuff to me.

On other nights, it will mean some low-intensity sex. The kind you crave after listening to Prince on repeat.

But at least a couple of times a week, I’ll be flying solo. Whether it’s in the bath, with the bedroom door locked in the afternoon, or with Mr. Austin by my side taking care of his own business, I’m making time to masturbate and give myself the kind of climax I need to ensure a decent night’s sleep.

Self-Care

I’ve got to say, helping myself sleep has been a lot of fun. Even if I permanently cured my insomnia, I don’t know if I’d let a day go by without at least buffing my muffin.

Mr. Austin’s been jealous of my results, so he’s getting in on it too. When I’m not up to having sex, he takes the time to pleasure himself. He doesn’t sleep enough, so the jury’s out on whether a daily orgasm is helping him rest more effectively. But he does seem sunnier and more relaxed.

I still use marijuana to give my insomnia an extra boot in the ass, but masturbation has been more effective overall. It’s also free and you don’t have to wait for it to kick in.

I don’t know how many of life’s problems could be solved by something as simple, enjoyable, and affordable as masturbation, but I’m sure there are a few.

I can’t believe how much time, sleep, and money I wasted by reaching for medication instead of my vibrator.

Giving myself orgasms should have been the first solution I tried for a lot of my problems. It won’t always work, but the worst thing that could happen is I’d have a whole lot of fun figuring that out.

I still have some trouble sleeping, not to mention anxiety issues, fatigue, and a host of other garbage my broken body keeps throwing at me. But every day, I get high and I get off. And if that’s not an awesome self-care routine, I don’t know what is.

If you liked this article, you should totally check out the Do You Kiss Your Mother With That Mouth? (How to Talk Dirty) episode of my dirty and intimate sex podcast, Pillow Talk With Emma Austin!