How to Be an Alpha in the Sheets When You’re a Beta in the Streets
Even shy guys can bring it
I’m a sucker for sweet guys.
I need the kind of comfort and reassurance I get from them. And I think it’s really cute when guys act a little shy.
And when I decided to settle down, it’s because I married the nicest guy I ever dated.
He was dorky. He wore faded band t-shirts and jeans that were the wrong fit. He had a record collection before it was even remotely cool to have one. He was a little bashful and seemed more settled in his life than ambitious.
And the sex was great. He was caring and attentive and that really translated to how he handled himself in the bedroom.
But there was a little something missing.
I’m a sexual little spoon. I like a guy who can make me feel safe and submissive. I like to feel dominated and taken care of.
There was some of that with my husband, but it always felt like he was holding back. He knew it’s what I wanted, but he just didn’t feel like he could deliver it.
He thought I wanted to be fucked in a way that didn’t match with his personality. He was convinced he was too shy and respectful to be the kind of man who takes charge in bed.
But he was wrong. Because those aren’t opposites. They can exist together. And he proved it because he’s since started channeling that attitude in bed. When he realized it’s what turned me on, he took steps to embody it. He went from being kind of deferential to being more dominant during sex, with incredible results.
And he did it without losing or setting aside any of his other great qualities. He’s still a complete sweetheart, a loving father, a respectful husband, and the kind of guy who does all kinds of household chores, not just the manly ones.
I don’t think I’m unusual. Not every girl wants to be the more submissive partner, but it seems like most of them do want a guy who can be a bit of an alpha in bed, no matter what he’s like outside the bedroom.
And I bet there are a lot of couples who are in the same situation my husband and I were in before. With her wanting him to be a bit more dominant when they have sex, and him thinking he’s just too shy to pull it off.
If you’re a shy guy, you can get there. It takes a little bit of a work and a small shift in mindset, but you can become the sexy alpha your lady wants you to be.
Work on Your Sexual Confidence
Having sex like an alpha is all about having the right attitude. And nothing is going to kill your alpha vibe like being too timid.
You need the confidence to take small risks, get creative, step outside of your routine, and take the lead.
If you don’t already have the sexual confidence to do that, there are a few different things you can do to improve it.
First, study sex. It’s not something that comes naturally to any of us (I still cringe when I think of the way I gave my first handjob). So, read up on it and learn from different sources. Since you’re trying to satisfy a woman, make sure you read lots of articles and blog posts by women. They’ll have a lot of first-hand insights that will help you really tune in to your lady’s needs.
Then, find a style that you’re comfortable with. Get a good idea of what sexual confidence is going to look like for you. If you’re shy, you might not be able to throw her on the bed and dirty talk her ear off, but you could build a quiet confidence.
And focus on her, not the outcome. Instead of wondering whether you’re impressing her, concentrate your mental energy on giving her pleasure and listening to her feedback. It’s easy to get in your head and worry about how well you’re doing, but if you just pay attention to her the entire time, you’ll do fine.
Seduce Her
One of the reasons women find it so hot to fuck someone who takes charge is because it makes them feel wanted. When someone takes that attitude, there’s no doubt about the fact that they desire you.
You want to give her those feelings, and that starts long before either of you take your underwear off.
Become more seductive. You don’t have to do much - just a few little things throughout the day to show her that she’s on your mind.
Make some flirty comments and send a few suggestive texts. Do something thoughtful for her. Create sexual tension by softly touching her neck or giving her hips a squeeze (but don’t rush to relieve that tension - let her feel it).
Chase her a little, but don’t overdo it. You want to make it clear that you desire her, not that you’re desperate to have sex.
By the time your underwear do come off, she won’t just be horny - she’ll know you’re the reason she feels that way.
Remind Yourself That You’re Playing a Role
If you’re kind of timid, being a little more dominant during sex might not come naturally. But that’s okay. It doesn’t have to come naturally because it’s just a role you’re playing.
This is one of the things that trips up a lot of guys. They think it has to be an integral part of their personality. And then they feel silly taking charge in the bedroom because their lady knows they’re not like that outside of it.
My husband struggled with that for a long time. He was even hesitant to take a more dominant approach because he thought there would be no way to pull it off. He was the guy who changes diapers, washes the dishes, and who writes out a grocery list with me - how was he going to suddenly become the stud who ravishes me?
But none of that made a difference. Because it’s less about who you are and more about the dynamic you’re creating in the moment. You can be the sweetest of guys, but when you take on an alpha persona when you’re fucking, she’s going to feel that heat, not question it.
If you still struggle to play that role, you can try actual roleplaying. Play out a scenario where you’re an authority figure. You can be the professor while she’s the college student who’ll do anything for an A. Or pretend to be her boss and she’s the employee who wants to impress you before her performance review.
Taking on the role of an authority figure will make it easier for you to be more authoritative during sex. Just make sure you run the scenario by her first in case she’s not turned on by playing the girl who has to talk the cop out of giving her a ticket.
Be Ready to Laugh
Another reason guys are often intimidated by taking on a more alpha role is because they think they have to do everything perfectly, from start to finish. They have to say all the right things, do all the right things, and never once drop the tough guy persona.
That’s a ton of pressure. It’s also completely unnecessary. There will be slip-ups, but those are fine as long as you can laugh about them.
Once, I was having really submissive sex with my husband. The kind where he holds me down, pulls my hair, and growls dirty stuff into my ear. But at one point, he said, “Do you like that, baby?” and I had to call a time-out. He called me “baby” with the same cadence he uses when he calls our daughters “baby.” It felt weird and was a total turn-off. But it didn’t put a stop to what we were doing. We laughed about it, and then he went back to pinning my wrists down and fucking me.
If he took himself too seriously, that might have ruined our night. But he was able to keep the alpha energy going because he could brush off the misstep and get back into his role.
So, don’t worry about getting everything right. Don’t worry about embodying your dominant persona perfectly. Just be ready to laugh things off if they don’t go as planned and you’ll be able to get right back into the action.
Empathy Is Your Best Asset
If you think you can’t bring a more alpha attitude during sex, it might be because you’re not understanding what an alpha really is.
And I don’t blame you, really, because the guys who are the most vocal about being alpha males usually aren’t the ones who really embody what it means to be one.
An alpha isn’t an asshole. An alpha isn’t cocky. An alpha isn’t a completely selfish jerk. If that’s what an alpha was, no one would be impressed by them.
Real alphas are confident, not brash. They’re leaders, not loners. They’re the ones who can handle responsibility, not refuse to be accountable for their actions.
In the bedroom, they’re the ones who can take charge without making it all about themselves.
If you’re empathetic, attentive, and a good listener, those are all qualities that can help you take on an alpha attitude during sex. Use those traits to understand what your woman wants and give it to her. Feel her out so you can do more of what she’s enjoying and switch things up when she’s not into it.
If you can do that by reading her cues instead of her feeling the need to keep asking for what she needs, it will go a long way to making her feel like you’re taking charge and taking care of her.
Channel Your Inner Alpha
Unless you’re sexually submissive or a true blue chasee, I believe every guy has the capacity to be an alpha in the sheets. All you need to do is tap into your desire for your partner and bring out the right traits in yourself.
Forget everything you think you know about being an alpha male and just project confidence while being attentive to her desires. That’s really what it all comes down to.
It might take you a while to get there, and that’s fine. My sex life didn’t change overnight - it took months. We started with a bit of spanking, then some light dirty talk, and soon after that we progressed to some heavier power play.
Instead of going from 0 to 60, try being 10% more confident and dominant during sex. Once you’re comfortable with that, try 10% more. And so on, until it’s second nature.
If your lady wants you to be more dominant, take those steps now. Build your sexual confidence, seduce her throughout the day, and take charge when you’re fucking. And if she giggles when you call her baby, just laugh it off and get right back to giving her what she needs.
If you liked this article, you should totally check out the How to Fuck Like an Alpha Male (Mindsex, Ownership, and Cock Confidence) episode of my dirty and intimate sex podcast, Pillow Talk With Emma Austin!
