A Few Things to Leave Off Your Sexy Christmas List

Christmas should be sexy - these things aren't

Giving your naughtiness a festive twist is an A-plus move. It helps keep your sex life fresh and makes the holidays extra fun.

You’ll have to get creative. There are no rules for a dirty Christmas. That can make things really interesting.

But it also means things can go right off the rails.

So, to save you some trouble, here are some naughty holiday ideas you should leave off your sexy wishlist.

Fucking Under the Christmas Tree

A little loving under the tree sounds fun and romantic.

It won’t be.

There’s not a whole lot of room down there. Even if you’re spooning, it’s going to cramp your game.

Your hair will most definitely get caught in the branches, too. Spending a bunch of time untangling yourself is a major mood killer.

If you don’t sweep thoroughly first, your back and ass will probably be covered in pine needles.

And the worst part is that you will most definitely knock that fucker over. If the sex is at all passionate (and I hope it is!) it’s likely that the tree comes crashing down on you - ornaments and all.

You’re better off fucking in front of your TV with a yule log video on loop. It’s kind of tacky, but at least it’s safe.

Fucking Your Co-Worker at the Christmas Party

Seriously, don’t.

I get it. You’re drunk as hell. Everyone’s drunk as hell. And Linda’s looking kind of cute in her ugly sweater.

But you have to see Linda again in January. And see her every damn day of the week. And you’ll both be too sober and it’s going to be way too awkward.

Take it from me, having random sex with someone whose face you have to keep seeing day after day is not in your best interest.

So just drink, party, have fun, and masturbate thinking of Linda when you get home. She’ll never have to know and you’ll never have to regret it.

Fucking Through a Wreath

Okay, I’m not sure anyone has ever attempted this. I don’t even know if anyone’s ever thought of it. But I’m going over it just in case.

Fucking through a wreath is festive as fuck - I’ll give it points for that. It’s also a terrible idea.

Someone (the fucker or the fuckee) is going to get jabbed with those little pine needles. And it’s a surefire way to feel like your cock isn’t as long as you thought it was (you’re gonna lose a lot of distance to accommodate that hot-glued nonsense)

Besides, your hands should be on her clit, not holding up a decoration.

Hanging Mistletoe Over Your Junk

Seriously, you look like a douche.

It’s not funny or sexy, so it misses the point twice.

And you’re ten times more likely to get someone’s mouth down there if you don’t make a gag out of it.

Don’t hang any jingle balls from your balls, either. Again, not funny or sexy - just cringey.

Novelty XXX-Mas Music

X-Rated Christmas music is never a good mood setter. It’s like hanging mistletoe over your junk - it’s not as funny or sexy as you hope it will be.

And some of the songs I found on Spotify are just plain problematic (no one wants their sexy evening ruined by homophobic lyrics).

If you want things to be sexy, stick to A Jolly Christmas from Frank Sinatra, Michael Buble’s Christmas, or just play “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” on repeat. They’re very G-rated, but they’ll still keep you in a nice, sexy mood.

Peppermint in Your Pussy

I wrote before about how tempting it can be to stick one of those oversized candy canes in your pussy. But it bears repeating: never stick anything sweet in your honey pot.

If you want to fuck your pussy with something, stick to your fingers, your partner’s extremities, or a body safe sex toy.

Giving Your Anal Virginity

I know Christmas feels like the perfect time to finally let him fuck your ass. But even if you legit forgot to buy him a gift, don’t make this the first night you try anal.

There’s nothing wrong with anal sex on Christmas. Hell, I might even have some myself (TBD). But your first time shouldn’t be scheduled.

Anal is really fun, but only if you’re in the right mood and mindset. You need to feel ready and feel highly aroused, and you might not be on a given night.

Wait for a day that feels right. Don’t give yourself a deadline and don’t put pressure on yourself.

It won’t matter that it’s not on Christmas. The day you take him in your ass is going to be special either way.

Christmas Sex Positions

If you look up naughty Christmas ideas online, you’ll find tons and tons of listicles promising to give you some festive sex positions you can try.

Don’t be fooled. They’re all just regular sex positions that have been given terrible, punny names.

Don’t overthink it. Just have some sweet, cozy, spooning sex or some hard, pounding, doggy style sex. There’s no need to rebrand something that’s already been perfected.

If you want a festive fuck, just string up some Christmas lights and wear some sexy holiday costumes - don’t tell your partner you’re going to “give her the Stocking Stuffer.” (Unless it means a lot to you - you do you, boo, but don’t say I didn’t warn you!)

Getting Drunk as All Get Out

Getting drunk and fucking is a tradition older than Christmas itself, but take it easy, skipper.

Too many hot toddies will have you falling down instead of getting down.

When I drink too much, I get sleepy. That makes for some sub-par sex.

Mr. Austin gets sloppy when he’s too drunk, which makes for some very sub-par sex.

No one’s a better lay when they’re wasted, so don’t do it. Better to be a little inhibited than to fall asleep on his North Pole.

Watching Random Holiday Porn

The other day, I settled in with my husband to watch some festive porn. We were hoping to get in the mood. Instead, we got some atrocious acting, a thin and confusing plotline, and some surprise shoe sniffing and heel licking scenes that took up way too much time.

We never finished the movie. We had to turn it off and get each other in the mood the old fashioned way instead (firm hands, soft kisses, and dirty phrases).

If you’re going to watch some Christmas-themed porn with your partner, make sure it will be full of stuff that will turn you on. Pick something ahead of time, read the synopsis, and skim through the video.

Keep It Simple - Keep It Sexy

Christmas should be sexy, but you don’t need to overthink it.

Just do something naughty and give it a festive twist. It doesn’t have to be complicated. Just string up a few tasteful decorations, make some time with your partner, and go wherever the mood takes you.

It might be simple, but you’ll still come together. And that’s what the spirit of Christmas is all about.