This Holiday Season, Don't Masturbate with a Candy Cane

It’s not worth the risk



I was minding my business the other day when I came across a porn video that turned me right off.

I was enjoying what I thought was regular ol’ amateur porn, and then at one point, a lollipop appeared in the performer’s mouth out of nowhere (ah, the magic of editing).

That seemed like a weird prop to throw in mid-scene, but I thought “Okay, she’s trying to give off a cutesie vibe, that’s fine.”

But that’s not what the lollipop was for.

Her male co-star took it from her lips and then popped it back into her mouth to wet it. Then, he slowly traced it down her body until he got to her pussy.

I told myself this was fine. It’s kind of weird, I guess, but he’s just touching the exterior of the vulva with it so that’s not that bad, right?

As those thoughts ran through my head, I watched in mild horror as he slowly penetrated her with the lollipop.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

That was it for me. I couldn’t keep watching. That’s just not a thing you should be doing with your sweets.

I wasn’t going to write about this (if I wrote about every weird or off-putting porn video I came across, I’d have to double my working hours). But every year around the holidays, I see the same thing in multiple porn videos: women putting candy canes into their honey pots.

And every single time I see it, I get a little bit shocked because I tend to assume we all know we’re not supposed to put any sugary stuff in our sticky buns.

Watching women fuck themselves with candy canes is like seeing a young person smoking - I just want to grab them and scream “What are you doing!? You should know better!”

So, this is my little holiday PSA for everyone out there: your mouth should be the only orifice that gets penetrated by a candy cane.

What’s the Big Deal?

I’m not trying to kill everyone’s freaky holiday vibe. And honestly, I get the appeal. It’s hard not to look at those jumbo candy canes and not think “You could totally fuck one of those.”

They’re really aesthetically pleasing, too. I love the color and the striping. I bet it would look really cool sliding in and out of your hot box.

Plus, your pussy deserves a little festive cheer.

But there are two big reasons you should avoid getting intimate with those sweets.

First, your vagina is a delicate environment. Don’t fuck up your pH by shoving something sweet in there. If you do, you risk a yeast infection and that’s going to ruin your whole goddamn holiday.

And then there’s the peppermint. I have no personal experience here, but I’ve had menthol up there once and it was a real bitch.

As far as I can tell, giving yourself a peppermint pussy could result in a feeling that’s anywhere from a pleasant cooling sensation to something so tingly it practically burns. I can’t say I know which for sure, but I’m not going to subject my lady cave to that shit just for the sake of research.

Candy Cane Alternatives

I said I didn’t want to fuck with your vibe and I meant it. I get the appeal of using a candy cane as a sex toy, but it’s probably not a great idea in practice.

If you still have the urge to get sweet with that candy, there are a few things you can try instead.

The most obvious solution is to get your hands on a sex toy that looks like a candy cane. There’s a candy cane dildo by Icicles that would do the job. And because it’s made of glass, it would be pointlessly rigid, just like a real candy cane.

If you still really, really want to fuck an actual candy cane and will accept no substitutes, you could always put a condom on it. Really, that’s your go-to solution for fucking anything you’re not supposed to. Just wrap it up and the world becomes your dildo.

If it’s the mintiness you find appealing, you can use flavored lube to get the same kind of effect. You’re not supposed to use just any flavored lube in your vagina, but there’s at least one brand (Swiss Navy Peppermint Flavored Lube) that is sugar- and glycerin-free so you can just go nuts with it.

If it’s the cooling, tingling sensation, the solution is the same. There are cooling lubes you can try - just make sure they don’t have any glycerine in them.

And if you just want to do something sexy and festive, there are tons of other ways to do that. You can wear some Christmas-themed sexy underwear. You can put on some lingerie to treat your body like a present your partner can unwrap. Just keep the Christmasy stuff external and you’ll be fine.

Play Safe, Stay Sweet

I’m bracing myself for another month of amateur pornstars defiling themselves with candy canes.

And it sucks because I love holiday-themed smut. I love doing special sexy festive things around Christmas. But I have to draw the line somewhere, and that somewhere is sticking candy in your hidey hole.

So, no matter how fuckable that candy cane looks, keep the sugar out of your vagina. Your pussy’s sweet enough already.

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