This Is Your Best Shot at a Higher Sex Drive
10 things you need to do if you want your libido back
I had a really high sex drive once, and I was sure I’d get to keep it forever.
It didn’t feel temporary. It felt like a deep and important part of who I was.
Before I had sex, I was intensely curious about everything related to it.
My thoughts were filthier than they had any right to be. I was too shy to really talk about sex, but I took every opportunity to learn about it. I’d read or watch anything if it even had a hint of filth. I watched Sue Johanson every single chance I got.
I swiped an erotic paperback and bent its pages so often that it almost started falling apart. That didn’t stop me from marking the dirtiest parts so I could read them over and over.
Whenever my parents left me alone in the house, I immediately grabbed the TV remote and unlocked the hardcore porn channels. Sometimes, I’d only stop flipping through the smut when they pulled into the driveway and the headlights flashed into the dark living room.
Once I actually had sex, that obsession became real in a big way. Sex had always looked amazing, but it felt even better than I thought it would. And I couldn’t get enough of it.
When I settled down, those feelings became even stronger. I was madly in love and I finally had a steady supply of fucking - and I took full advantage of it.
My life practically revolved around sex.
We did it so often I’d sometimes lose track of how many times we fucked in a day. We experimented a bit. Once in a while, we played around with other people - just to mix things up.
I knew it couldn’t last. At some point, things had to cool down. We’d get to a point where we’re having sex once a day - tops. Probably even less.
But my sex drive didn’t just slow down - it crashed.
My desire for sex faded fast, and it faded almost completely.
When it did, I didn’t just lose my favorite way to spend a quiet evening. I also lost the intense physical connection I had with the guy I love. I lost a way to really be in my body and enjoy it.
Mostly, I lost myself. My obsession with sex was a really big part of who I was. I wasn’t entirely sure how to be me without it.
I missed my high sex drive. Still do. And I’ve tried everything to get it back.
But after years of struggling to pump my libido up, I’ve finally nailed down what it takes. These things don’t always get me horned up, but they definitely get me closer.
Take Care of Yourself
I used to jump right to sexual solutions for my libido. I was having a sex problem, so I figured I had to solve it with horny stuff like scheduling sex or watching porn with my husband.
It almost never worked. Not because porn dates can’t get you in the mood - they very much can. It’s because I was so far from being in a sexual mindset that all that stuff was just weird and uncomfortable.
It was supposed to turn me on, but it just felt like sexual overstimulation.
I should’ve started with the basics. Instead of trying to get horny, I should’ve been trying to feel good. Because it’s really hard to get in a sexy mood if you don’t feel good about yourself.
So, make sure you’re staying on top of the things that make you feel that way.
Eat well. Keep your space tidy and organized. Do things that will get you up and moving. It will improve your mood, give you more energy, and help with your confidence.
I find it especially helpful to put some time into your appearance.
Getting out of your PJs, doing your makeup, fussing with your hair, making sure you smell really good - it’s all going to help you feel cute and attractive. And that’s the first step to feeling sexy.
Make Time for Your Hobbies
When I lost my desire for sex, I had a hard time figuring out what would take its place.
I didn’t have a lot of hobbies - sex had always been the main one.
I had ways to fill time, like watching sitcoms and reorganizing rooms that didn’t need reorganizing. But it took me a while to find things that actually felt fun and satisfying.
Eventually, I signed up for an online workshop and got into photography. I tried gardening several times. For a while, I took some cake decorating courses. A few months ago, I got so into knitting that I actually hurt myself doing it.
All those things made a really big difference.
Making room for your hobbies gives you some alone time that doesn’t feel lonely. It helps you feel connected to yourself. It leaves you recharged and in a really good emotional space.
If you’re always putting your hobbies on the back burner, it’s going to suck the fun out of your life. And that’s going to make it way harder to get horned up and down to fuck.
Pamper Yourself
It also helps if you can spend a bit of time pampering yourself, at least once or twice a week.
Bubble baths are my go to pampering routine.
They feel really good and they guarantee a lot of quiet time and privacy. It soothes my nerves and tones down my anxieties, so I’m less likely to cockblock myself.
Having nothing to do other than soak and mess around on my phone gives me plenty of time to daydream, too. Sometimes those daydreams turn a little filthy. And when they do, it kicks my libido back into gear.
When I step out of the tub, I’m super clean and my skin is really smooth to the touch. That helps me feel more attractive, which makes it more likely that I follow my dirty thoughts instead of shutting them down.
Take Care of Your Sexual Needs
If you don’t want as much sex as your partner does, you probably feel guilty for masturbating.
Don’t. It’s a trap.
I’ve been there before, so I know exactly what it’s like. You want to save yourself for your partner. You’ve got this little shred of horniness, and it feels like a waste to get yourself off when you could hold onto it and end the night with a bang.
Except that’s almost never how it goes.
Most of the time, the mood fades. You end up not having sex, but you also didn’t give yourself pleasure when you had the chance.
It’s way better if you just indulge your sexual urges - whatever they are.
If you’re in the mood but your partner’s not available, you can have fun with your favorite toys instead. If you don’t feel up to fucking but you could go for a little self-love, give it to yourself.
Forcing yourself to hold off doesn’t work because it makes sex feel like an obligation. Before long, you’ll start looking at it like a chore. Then it’s only a matter of time before you can barely see the fun in it anymore.
Plus, anything that gets you turned on is basically a gateway drug to sex. The more urges you chase and the more you enjoy your body, the more likely you are to want more.
So go right ahead and masturbate. Don’t even think twice about it. Giving yourself pleasure is always a good thing.
Spend Quality Time With Your Partner
Non-sexual intimacy is a really important part of getting in the mood.
Unless you happen to have a really active sex drive, it’s almost impossible to get in the mood if you feel disconnected from your partner. Before you even think of jumping in the sack, you need time to just enjoy each other.
Date nights are great for this. Long walks are good too. Playing games and just talking. You know, all the stuff that’s going to make you feel warm and fuzzy about your relationship.
This is why some couples have to deliberately take sex off the table. It’s to make sure that the non-sexual quality time doesn’t get ruined by trying to use it as an opportunity to get some action.
If you have to take that step, it’s worth it. But either way, do things that will make you feel close.
Flirt During the Daytime
A lot of couples who have mismatched sex drives have no idea why it happened.
Things started off hot and heavy. Just thinking about your partner turned you on. You felt sexier when you were with them. You fucked them way more often than you do now.
Then it cooled down, and you have no idea why. You got comfortable with each other, but other than that nothing really changed.
Except there was probably one big change.
When your relationship was still new, you put a lot of work into getting laid. You hit on each other regularly. You pulled out your most seductive moves. You did little thoughtful things for each other.
You put in a lot of effort, but it felt so effortless that you barely noticed.
You didn’t notice when it stopped, either.
When the seduction goes, it’s normal for your desire to go with it. It’s hard to feel sexy when your partner wants to fuck you but hasn’t made you feel wanted or attractive before putting the moves on you.
If you want to bring back the heat, you have to start by bringing back the flirting.
Give each other sweet compliments out nowhere. Do nice things and be spontaneous about it. Touch each other for no reason other than wanting to feel close. Insinuate something naughty, play coy, get a little banter going.
Make sure it happens during the day, though. If you wait until the evening to start, it will feel like an afterthought - and that won’t make anyone feel special. And flirting when there’s no chance of it leading to anything makes it come across more playful and sincere.
Enjoy Some Great Smut
Making yourself feel good, feeling connected to your partner, and getting flirty are all really important for getting your sex drive up.
But even if you have all those ducks in a row, you might still need to actively put yourself in a dirty mindset.
And the easiest way to do that is by consuming something smutty.
Reading trashy erotica is a really good option. Usually, the sex scenes are barely believable but they’re super hot and that’s all that matters.
Audio porn is great too because it’s so immersive. You get to slip in your earbuds and listen to a sexy voice moan, groan, and say filthy things to you. It’s honestly hard not to get horny after letting it play for just a couple of minutes.
Personally, I tend to go right for the obvious choice - hardcore porn. If I’m not already in the mood, I’ll skip the tube sites and look for a proper scene. Something with a setup, a storyline, and enough sexual tension to help me ease into all sucking and fucking I’m about to watch.
If full-on porn feels like a bit much, watching a sexy movie works too. An erotic thriller, a romantic drama that doesn’t shy away from showing a bit of skin, a raunchy comedy - anything that keeps your mind on sex and makes you feel jealous of the people having it.
Ask for a Massage
If your sex drive isn’t what it used to be, you probably keep finding yourself at a sexual crossroad.
You’re not really in the mood for sex. But you’re also not ready to shoot down the idea completely.
Depending on how your evening goes, you might go from neutral to actively turned on. Or you might never get there, even if you want to.
You just don’t know yet. You’re at a maybe.
And if you’re like a lot of people with low sex drives, you tend to turn every maybe into a no. You know that trying to get horny but never getting there is going to be frustrating. You know you’ll feel bad if you give your partner a yellow light and then turn it red.
Better to avoid all those uncomfortable feelings. So you shut it down instead of giving it a shot.
There’s a better option, though.
When you’re at a maybe, ask for a massage.
It’s a great option because it can go either way - and either way is fine.
If it doesn’t turn you on enough, it’s just a sensual massage. It’s soothing and relaxing. It’s emotionally and physically intimate. It gives your partner a chance to touch and rub you all over. If you’re comfortable stripping down for it, they get to have a good look at your body.
But if it turns out that you’re open to more, a massage is a perfect way to get you in the mood.
It’s sweet and loving. The massage oil and hands on your skin make it a sensual experience. You’re also getting felt up, but in a way that doesn’t feel invasive.
It’s also a perfect way to gently ease into sex.
If the rubdown makes you horny, it becomes foreplay. You can escalate by giving signals that you want more - or straight up asking for hand stuff to get things going.
Try a Pussy Massage
Okay, I know asking for a pussy massage sounds like more of a high sex drive thing.
But to me, they’re like masturbating. I can often go for a pussy massage when I’m not in the mood for full-blown fucking.
I guess it’s because it doesn’t ask anything of me. It’s sexual but not reciprocal. I literally just lie there with my pants off and enjoy the stimulation.
A pussy massage is about making you feel good and nothing else.
You get to come. Your horny partner gets the satisfaction of playing with your pussy and getting you off.
And there’s a pretty decent chance it will lead to more.
Sometimes a pussy massage ends with an orgasm and cuddles. Other times, that orgasm will leave you craving some action.
It’s about fifty-fifty for me. Half of the pussy massages I get leave me with a really strong urge to fuck.
When you have a hard time getting in the mood, those are great odds. So you might as well go for it. Either way, you’ll end up with a good dose of sexual satisfaction.
Get Rid of All the Pressure
You don’t necessarily have to temporarily take sex off the table. But you absolutely have to kick all the sexual pressure out - permanently.
You probably put pressure on yourself to put out, or at least to give your partner a chance. You’ll have to work on that.
You can remind yourself that there’s nothing wrong with not wanting sex. You can spend some time reading other people’s experiences with a low sex drive. You can sit down with your partner and talk it out.
You should never feel guilty for not being horny, so anything that helps you get there is a step in the right direction.
Kill all the sexpectations, too. Have open, honest conversations about your partner. Make it clear that you want to feel like nothing ever has to lead to sex. That you want to feel comfortable flirting, enjoying a massage, or setting up a date night without them expecting it to turn into something more.
Pressure never, ever helps. It’s never going to push you into being horny. It’s only going to create anxiety and resentment - and those are major boner killers.
So, get rid of it all. It’s the only way you’ll be able to see sex as something fun, pleasurable, playful - and actually worth wanting.
Improve Your Chances
My sex drive still hasn’t fully recovered. I don’t know if it ever will.
Maybe it will always be a struggle. But there are definitely things that make the struggle easier.
My libido is much stronger when I feel good about myself. I feel it more when I take care of my needs instead of fretting over how little sex I’m having.
Watching porn to give myself some dirty thoughts doesn’t hurt, either.
Doing all those things might not fire up your desires. It might not make you shiver with arousal. You might not get as horny as you want to be.
But it’s your best shot at getting all those sexy feelings you miss, so you should definitely take it.
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If you liked this article, you should totally check out the It’s Cozy Girl Season (Sexy Sweaters, Cute Gamer Girls, and Comfy Hotties) episode of my dirty and intimate sex podcast, Pillow Talk With Emma Austin!
