These 7 Phrases Are Dating Red Flags
If I hear them, I’m ghosting
Well, I finally did it. I gave Tinder a shot.
And I’ll call it a partial success.
Because I downloaded the app partly out of curiosity. I had never tried anything like it and I wanted to know what it was like.
And now I know. Mission accomplished - my curiosity is satisfied.
But I was using it sincerely too. I really did hope I’d match with some interesting people. And if I was really lucky, I’d end up meeting at least one person I could have good conversations with - and maybe more than that.
Sadly, that was a fail. Not a single new contact. And definitely no hookups or anything like that.
Oh well.
I deleted the app after using it for a few days and more hours than I want to admit. But I did learn a few things on my little swiping holiday.
First, it was a total sausage fest. I was open to matching with dudes, but part of me really wanted to hit it off with a lady or two.
And it’s not like there were no women whatsoever. They were just a lot harder to come by. I had to swipe through a bunch of guys just to get a glimpse of a single gal.
I also learned that the whole Tinder experience doesn’t really work for me.
I think it’s my demisexuality or something, but every profile felt kind of the same to me. I’d check out their photos. I’d read their bios. But none of it really pulled me in. It was like I didn’t have enough data to decide whether I found someone attractive. I always felt like I’d need to get to know them first.
So, I couldn’t figure out who I’d want to message. But I did keep coming across people I knew I didn’t want to match with. Because that’s the last thing I learned using Tinder - a lot of dating red flags are still very much alive and well.
These are some of the big ones for me. They’re phrases that ring alarm bells as soon as I hear them. They might not sound like much, but they tell you a whole lot about the person saying them.
“I Love Finding Out What Makes People Tick”
In my experience, this basically just means one thing. This person loves confrontation.
It makes it sound like they’re just curious. They like to dig deep and really get to know someone.
In practice, it usually means they have a habit of collecting emotional ammo they can eventually use against you. Things you’re really insecure about. Touchy stuff and emotional triggers that bring out all sorts of difficult emotions.
It can feel really good opening up about those things. It’s intimate. It makes you feel bonded.
Until they bring it to hurt your feelings, to win arguments, or to make you seem irrational. Then it takes a way darker tone.
That, or they just really like provoking people. Which I guess is a tiny bit better, but would still make a relationship with them feel like you’re walking through a minefield.
Maybe some people like that kind of pointless drama. Maybe they want the fights and the toxic sniping because they’re weirdly into makeup sex.
I don’t know. I just know I have no room for that kind of thing in my life. The last thing I want is someone who wants to figure out what my buttons are so they can have fun pressing them.
“Let Me Play Devil’s Advocate”
This is a bit better than wanting to find out what makes you tick, but it’s in the same ballpark.
When someone’s really itching to play devil’s advocate in a conversation, it’s usually because they love confrontation. They’re just more passive aggressive about it.
They want to turn casual conversations into debates. They want to get their jabs in or say shitty things - then back off when it’s time to take responsibility for them.
And, uh, no thanks to any of that.
When I’m getting to know someone, I want to actually get to know them. I don’t want to guess at what they really think, feel, or believe - and what they’re just saying to keep the conversation heated.
Plus, I want to have conversations that feel easy, comfortable, and open. There’s no point in talking to someone who loves to debate and argue when I could just water my plants and glide around in my roller skates instead.
“I’m Five Foot Ten - If That Matters”
Height is the new dick size. It’s the thing every other guy seems super insecure about these days.
And just like their dick sizes, these guys spend way more time thinking about it than women do. But they’re convinced it’s this huge factor - that they’re striking out on the apps because they’re too short or that women only like them because they’re tall.
Some of them aren’t just insecure, though. They’re also weirdly defensive about their height. They even have these aggressive comments about it in their dating profiles.
It gives off the wrong kind of energy. You haven’t even sent them a message yet and you can already tell they’ve got a bad attitude.
Being insecure about your body is completely normal. But lines like these make it clear that someone doesn’t really know how to manage those insecurities.
Worse, there’s a misogynistic vibe to it. You can practically hear him say things like “women only care about a guy’s height” - or maybe “bitches” if he thinks you’re not listening.
And the moment you check out a dude who’s six foot two, it’ll be a conversation. A conversation you can completely avoid by swiping left.
“I’m Looking for a Girl Who Won’t Ghost”
I’m pro ghosting.
I guess that’s kind of controversial, but it really shouldn’t be. Because people ghost for all sorts of reasons that are perfectly fine.
The conversation fizzles out awkwardly and neither of you really feel like it’s worth picking back up, so you stop messaging.
You’re not feeling any kind of spark, so you drop out of the text exchange.
The first date made you uncomfortable, so you just move on with your life.
I’ve ghosted. I’ve been ghosted. It’s really no big deal. Which is why I’m kind of put off when people act like it is.
Best case scenario, it’s because they’re the type of person who thinks they always deserve a chance. And probably a second chance after that one.
I get why people want to be given a chance. They’re putting themselves out there. They’re really hopeful. They want all the odds in their favor.
But nobody owes anyone a chance. Everyone’s free to decide if they want to spend their time getting to know someone better - or if their gut is telling them to move on instead. And it’s kind of sketchy to insist that someone shouldn’t be allowed to make that decision for themselves.
That’s the best case scenario, but it’s usually a lot less rosy than that.
Whenever I’ve seen people really spell out their anti-ghosting policy, it’s usually just code for them wanting someone who’ll put up with anything.
Because that’s basically what ghosting is. It’s having agency. It’s putting your needs first. It’s deciding who’s worth your time and who isn’t.
Someone who insists on not being ghosted is basically looking for someone who won’t stand up for themselves. Maybe someone who won’t leave when things get weird or their date acts like an asshole. Someone who can stare a red flag right in the face and still give it a second chance.
There are lots of good reasons to ghost. So when someone thinks you shouldn’t have that option, it’s a bad sign.
“I’m Looking for a Woman With a Sense of Humor”
This one’s really sneaky, because on the surface it sounds fine.
I mean, I love funny girls. Technically, I’m looking for a woman with a sense of humor too.
And maybe some guys are like that too. They just really want to hook up with hilarious women. They want a date who’ll make them laugh so hard they have to wipe away tears.
That’d be totally above board. Possibly a green flag, even.
That’s rare, though. More often than not, guys who want a girl with a sense of humor are looking for something else.
They want a girl who will laugh at their jokes. He wants the ego boost of having a girl laugh at his quips, tell him he’s oh so funny, and giggle at his obvious movie references. Doesn’t really matter if she’s funny or not, as long as she makes him feel like he is.
It can be darker than that, though.
Some guys are dicks and they try to mask it with humor. They belittle their partners. They embarrass them in front of others. They talk down to them. And they pass it all off as jokes or banter or whatever.
For those guys, a girl with a sense of humor is a girl who plays along with it. A girl who brushes off his bullshit and doesn’t make a big deal about it.
“I Don’t Really Like Labels”
Labels are awesome.
Labels help you understand yourself. They help you figure out what you can expect from somebody. They’re incredibly convenient communication shortcuts too.
So, it’s a little weird to me when someone says they don’t like labels. I just don’t get it.
Except on dating apps. In that context, I know exactly what it means when someone says they don’t do labels.
It means they don’t want to settle down or commit.
Which is totally fine. Nothing wrong with keeping things casual - as long as you label it. That way, you’re being open and honest about the whole thing.
Not doing labels is just a way for someone to get the benefits of being in a relationship with none of the accountability or expectations that come with it.
So you end up giving them sex on the regular, doing thoughtful gestures for them, and giving them all sorts of emotional support. And when you need them to show up for you or you found out they’re fucking someone else, they just shrug it off because they never explicitly said what kind of relationship this was.
If you’re looking for something that’s at all serious, the people who don’t do labels aren’t going to give it to you.
And if you’re just looking for some casual fun, you’re way better off doing it with someone who can do that without playing games.
“All My Exes Are Crazy”
Having some bad exes isn’t that unusual. I’ve got a couple. Most people do. But when that’s all someone says they have, it’s a little suspicious.
Like, not a single relationship with a decent person where you just didn’t click? No romance that just fizzled out after a while? Nothing that ended because you both wanted different things? Not a single one where you fucked up and that’s why it’s over?
That’s pretty damn unlikely.
When someone claims they only have a long line of crazy exes under their belts, it probably means one of two things.
They might be the ones bringing the chaos into their relationships. Maybe they gaslight and manipulate. Or it could be a bad temper and some massive insecurities. They might be intensely jealous and obsessively controlling. And when the relationship inevitably blows up, they take zero responsibility for it.
That, or they just like to talk shit about their exes. They go through relatively normal relationships that end in relatively normal breakups. Then when it’s all over, they reframe everything to make their exes seem horrible.
Either way, you’ll be the next one they trash talk when it’s all over. So, it’s much better not to start anything to begin with.
Don’t Ignore the Signs
Ignoring red flags can be surprisingly tempting.
Dating kind of sucks. After a while, you just want to be over and done with it. You get the urge to let your guard down, let a few red flags slip by, and just see what happens.
It’s not worth it, though. Because as much as dating blows, it’s way worse to be tangled up with someone who doesn’t treat you right.
So be on the lookout for red flags and pay attention to the green ones. You might not end up with more dates, but at least you’ll have fewer regrets.
If you liked this article, you should totally check out the You’re Sucking It All Wrong, Susan! (Bad Blowjobs, Eye Contact, and Glamping) episode of my dirty and intimate sex podcast, Pillow Talk With Emma Austin!
