How I Kept My Sexless Marriage Strong

We worked on different kinds of intimacy

If there’s a time to have sex, a wedding anniversary would be it.

Even my parents, long after they lost any serious interest in each other, used to kick me and my brother out of the house on the night of their anniversary.

I actually liked my husband. A lot. I loved him in a deep way (still do!) Anniversary sex should have been a no-brainer.

Plus, the conditions were perfect.

Food from our favorite restaurant. A bottle of wine that’s usually out of our price range. The kids in bed early. The house completely quiet.

We spent the evening cuddling, snuggling, touching, and whispering sweet things to each other.

I felt connected and extremely close to him.

A couple of years earlier and this would have meant we would put a real strain on our box spring.

Back then, I would’ve been horny as hell just off cheap wine and greasy takeout.

But at the end of our nice little anniversary celebration, we kissed each other goodnight, turned off the lights, and went to sleep.

My marriage had been sexless for a few years, and I was getting used to not having sex on our anniversary. It was starting to feel normal, even though it was never exactly comfortable.

Closing Shop Early

Women my age were fucking. Big time.

I was in my mid-20s. Everyone was finally getting uninhibited and having tons of sex with their long-term partners.

Even the pregnancy forums I was checking at the time made me feel out of step. Women kept asking if it was normal for them to be insatiable fuckbots for an entire trimester.

Even the ones married to complete dolts somehow managed to consistently get wet for them.

They had husbands who didn’t know how to put detergent in the washing machine and insisted that changing diapers is a woman’s job. But at the end of the day, they were still boning down hard.

And then there was me, who couldn’t bring myself to fuck my tireless and quite decent husband.

I couldn’t help it. I felt absolutely miserable.

I didn’t know what the hell was wrong with me. I still loved sex, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was almost never in the mood, no matter how perfect everything was.

Later, I’d be diagnosed with hypothyroidism and hormonal imbalances. At the time, though, I was just struggling to get through the day with heavy brain fog, free-floating anxiety, depression, and a libido that was practically dead.

I’d get a bit aroused once a month, right when I ovulated. My mental health was still shit, but my body gave me enough of a nudge to get me going.

But that didn’t mean I had sex twelve times a year. My libido was very fragile. If I was going to sustain that desire, I’d have to nurture it, and it wouldn’t take much to fuck it up.

If I could focus on how much I wanted to fuck and not get distracted from that singular thought, I could make it to the evening ready to have sex.

Easier said than done. My husband would be drowning in a pile of work, the kids would choose that day to act like real jerks, or some random thing would happen to throw me off track. As soon as anything went wrong, I’d lose my somewhat-sexy mood and I wouldn’t get it back until the following month.

I managed to have sex a few times a year, but it still felt like sex wasn’t really a part of my life anymore.

I read that a marriage is considered sexless if the couple has sex 10 times or less in the course of a year. I didn’t have to keep a tally to know that we fit right in that zone.

Staying Strong Without Sex

Like anyone in a sexless marriage, I worried about mine.

I wondered if my absent sex drive was a sign of some deeper trouble. Were my husband and I fundamentally incompatible without realizing it?

I even worried that I might not be bisexual - that I was really a lesbian who had lied to herself for too long and now couldn’t get it up for the man she married.

I also worried that no matter how emphatically I told my husband I loved him, he just wouldn’t believe me anymore.

I didn’t know how long Mr. Austin would put up with our sexless life. He’s a loyal guy who had stuck around through some difficult times. Still, I didn’t know how long anyone would put up with a spouse who didn’t want to fuck, especially someone with a libido as high as his.

Those things swam in my head pretty regularly, but things felt fine for the most part. My marriage felt strong, even though this big, conspicuous piece was missing from it.

It’s intimacy that kept my marriage afloat and moving forward. Our sexual intimacy was almost non-existent, but we made up for it with other kinds.

Our emotional intimacy was never in question. We’re genuinely best friends, and have been from the start. We talk about everything, and yet somehow never run out of things to talk about. We’re so close that Mr. Austin often knows me better than I know myself.

None of that changed when we stopped having sex. We didn’t just spend time with each other to keep the fires burning until we could fuck again.

Our emotional bond made us best friends, but it’s the physical intimacy that made us feel like we were still a couple.

It’s the hugs and cuddles. It’s the extended snuggling sessions.

It’s the way Mr. Austin strokes my arm when we’re binge-watching stuff.

It’s kissing in a way you’re not supposed to do with your grandma. It’s kissing in a way you shouldn’t even do in front of anyone’s grandma.

There was something missing from my marriage for sure. I missed sex - a lot. My libido was on life support but I wasn’t asexual. And I considered myself a very sexual person even though my desires had quit on me. But it still felt like it was worth it. Even if our sex life never returned, I knew I could live happily with everything else we had left.

Making Up for Lost Time

Three years ago, I got a diagnosis and I started getting treatment for my hormonal issues.

Every treatment was a trial and error process and I’m still dealing with all of the symptoms I’ve had for more than ten years now.

I’m still worn out most of the time. My brain fog is still pretty bad. And my libido is still kind of low.

But it’s not that low.

I crave sex more often now. I don’t need to be ovulating to get aroused (doesn’t hurt though).

And sometimes, it didn’t matter how crappy the day went. I just wanted him between my legs - I didn’t give a fuck how bad the kids had been.

When my libido started returning, there was no adjustment. We started having sex again like we had never stopped.

Our non-sexual intimacy was strong and that made it easy to get back into a better sexual rhythm.

We had been through years of a sexless marriage, but there was no distance between us. There was no broken bond that needed to be repaired. There was no resentment. We could just start fucking without having to work hard to reconnect.

Then, my doctor prescribed DHEA. It gave me a permanent lady boner.

I practically overdosed on fucking. I worse myself out hard. I had to recharge my vibrators as often as I needed to recharge my phone. And I masturbated so often I worried I’d ruin myself.

It didn’t last. Eventually, the effects wore off and I went back to only feeling occasionally aroused.

But I haven’t given up on my dream of being a horny, sexy work-at-home wife. I’ve just been prescribed testosterone, and I’m keeping my fingers crossed that I’ll be able to have as much sex as I want.

My hormone levels are not optimal but I made enough progress so that even when I’m in a slump I can still have sex semi-regularly. I’m optimistic about my sex drive getting better and I’m convinced my sexless years are behind me now. I’m glad that’s the case, but it’s also really comforting to know that there’s so much more than desire and attraction keeping my marriage together.

If you liked this article, you should totally check out the Speed Up Your Sex Drive (Get Horny and Get It On) episode of my dirty and intimate sex podcast, Pillow Talk With Emma Austin!