It's Okay to Fantasize About Your Exes

I cherish my spank bank and here’s why

I used to keep a secret from my husband.

I’d sometimes masturbate while fantasizing about my exes.

I never told him I did it because it made me feel low-key guilty to be getting off while thinking of someone other than him.

It felt like the kind of thing you’re not supposed to do when you’re in a relationship — not when you still feel strong love for your partner, anyway.

I also wondered if it meant anything deeper. Did it mean I missed those exes? Did it mean I was missing something from my partner? Was something lacking in my sex life? It didn’t feel that way, but that was a huge can of worms best kept closed.

I didn’t want to upset him for no reason, so I didn’t bother telling him that when I reached for my vibrator, it wasn’t always because I had him in my thoughts.

I also worried because I knew how I’d feel if he told me that sort of things.

He had a couple of long-term relationships. He had a couple of short-lived ones, too, and some casual one-night hookups thrown in there. On some level, I knew he had plenty of material to draw from that didn’t involve me.

I tried not to think of it because it bothered me. It made me feel insecure to think that he might be jerking off while thinking of someone else. If he’s thinking about them, that must mean they’re better, hotter, and sexier than me, right?

So, we settled into a kind of truce. He didn’t ask me about my spank bank. I didn’t ask him about his. And we could both pretend that we only had eyes (and horny memories) for each other.

That changed recently. We were talking about sexual fantasies and he asked me if I ever fantasize about the other guys I’ve been with.

It didn’t feel like a trap — he seemed genuinely curious. So, I considered it for a moment and decided to fess up.

I told him I did. I told him some of the exes I fantasized about. I told him the scenarios I think back to.

I worried that I had said too much. A simple “yes” would’ve been enough but I blurted out a pile of detail instead.

Thankfully, there were no hurt feelings. There wasn’t even any insecurity, even when he told me about fantasizing about his ex-girlfriends. Mostly, there was just a lot of giggling and laughter as we realized that we had kept some weird accidental don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy about something that really didn’t matter.

Fantasizing About My Exes Isn’t a Rejection of My Husband

Fantasizing about exes, at least for me, has never been about rejecting my current partner.

I don’t do it because I’m dissatisfied with Mr. Austin or the sex I have with him. (How could I be? He’s got good form.)

If anything, my husband occupies the most real estate in my spank bank, by far. We have years of great sex for me to draw on. He was the first one to really give me an orgasm. He was the first to go down on me properly. He was the first guy I had a threesome with. I’ve got a lot to work with.

But sometimes, I don’t even set out to think about other guys. Often, I’m just thinking and reminiscing about my past and it just sort of happens. Usually, it’s when I’m laying in bed and can’t sleep and a memory will pop up. If that memory is one that gets me hot and horny, it’s only logical for me to take care of myself while I let it play out.

That used to happen more when Mr. Austin worked late and I usually had to go to bed alone.

These days, I fantasize about my exes a bit less often, but I do it more deliberately. I’ll get settled with a sex toy or two and if I’m not already thinking of something hot, I’ll flip through my spank bank the way my husband flips through LPs at a record shop. When I come across one that feels right, I pull it out and use it, no matter who’s featured in it.

But that still doesn’t feel like an affront to my guy.

For one thing, it’s usually the scenario more than the person that I’m recalling. That’s why I can get off to it even when it’s someone who didn’t treat me that well or who just plain broke my heart. I set that shit aside and just think about the time we did something crazy.

I think about the moment and how it felt. I relive the rush of hormones and the giddy, excited feeling of doing something (or someone) new. Sometimes, it barely matters who I did it with.

It’s also my past. These are my experiences and they’re part of my story. I can’t feel guilty for what I’ve been through and I definitely shouldn’t feel bad because some of them were so good they’re worth revisiting.

Being in love with someone doesn’t invalidate all the experiences I had (or continue to have) without him.

Plus, I just like variety. That’s not a crime. And I don’t begrudge my husband for enjoying variety, too.

Drawing on My Spank Bank

I only had sex for a couple of years before meeting my husband, but my spank bank is still pretty damn full.

Most of the scenarios in it are pivotal moments in my sexual development. A lot of them were firsts, and firsts are hard to forget.

There was, of course, my very first time — the afternoon I lost my virginity.

I remember how shocking it felt. I was so sure it would be horrible — I was told over and over that the first time I had sex would be painful.

It wasn’t. It felt amazing.

I was horny as fuck and so wet that his cock slid right in. I had a huge rush of feelings as his shaft rubbed against all the nerves inside me.

I groaned “Oh my God” over and over as I took all the sensations in.

That was the moment I learned that sex isn’t just fascinating — it’s also really fucking good. I remember thinking “No wonder people love this so much!”

There’s another moment that stands out. While fucking me, he asked “Does it feel good?” and hearing those words was hot as hell. It was the first time I experienced anything resembling dirty talk and it was such a turn-on. I panted a quick “yes” in response, but I was in heaven.

Then there’s Cody. I never actually had sex with him, but the first time we went on a date, I spent the evening making out with and dry humping him. I rubbed myself against him so long I came.

Realizing I could make myself come that way was a profound moment — I had no idea something like that could get me off so well.

Going back to that evening also reminds me of the way teenage lust felt so intense I could spend a whole night doing nothing but kissing and grinding against someone.

Then there was the time Mark pushed me against a wall and kissed me with such force I felt what it’s like to be really desired.

I think about Todd a lot, too. He was cute. He was fit. And he has some special talents. He was the first multiorgasmic person I encountered. He would come quite quickly but then replace the condom and keep fucking a few more times.

But mostly, I remember the way he fucked hard. We’d fuck doggystyle and he would grab my hips and pound his hip bones into my ass — which was so fucking hot.

Sometimes, I’ll think of John even though he wasn’t an amazing lay. I think of him because I was the one who moved forward. He was so timid, I had to take the lead. I straddled him and rode him instead of having him fuck me.

It made me feel so powerful to be able to seduce this guy and have my way with him.

Luke comes up, too. I had a threesome with him and Mr. Austin. They took turns going down on me, and I still remember the way Luke did it. He grabbed my sides so enthusiastically while his tongue worked on me. It got me off, but it also made me feel really attractive and wanted.

And more recently, there’s the guy who gave me phone sex for the first time. He’s not really an ex, but he’s not my husband so I include him in this list.

When we started having cybersex, I told him my fingers were on my clit and that I wished they were his tongue. He wrote back “Good. Fucking. Girl.” I was surprised by how turned on that made me. I went so hot I could feel it in my face. My breath got heavier. They were just three words on a screen, but I still think of them when I masturbate.

I also think of the things he said to me over the phone. Hearing him call me a good girl was even better than reading it. I think of the way we were both breathing and moaning. I think of his encouraging words. I think of the way he sounds when he comes.

There’s No Shame in Your Fantasy Game

I’ve got a well-stocked spank bank, and there’s still room in it for more. And that’s okay because I’ve gotten over my shame for having these fantasies. I’ve gotten over my insecurities about my husband having his, too.

We’re completely open about it now. He’s heard about all of my masturbation material, and I’ve heard all about his.

Being able to share our fantasies, including the ones involving our exes, has made us feel closer to each other. Sometimes, we’ll even turn each other on with them.

For years, I was worried that it would damage our relationship if he found out what was going on in my head. It’s only made it better.

And he knows that I still very much love and desire him, even when I’m polishing my pearl to the thought of Todd slamming my ass into the mattress.