Couples Questionnaires Are a Great Way to Improve Your Sex Life
You might not end up fucking differently, but you’ll know each other a lot better
Since I started writing about sex, I had to become really open with my husband.
I don’t really have a choice. Even if I wanted to keep things to myself, he could go online and read about my taboo sex fantasies, the kind of porn I get off to, and why I take so damn long in the shower.
But even though I made a lot of my attitudes, opinions, and preferences public, I still have a hard time talking about some of them.
I can’t help it - I get shy.
That’s why I love using communication tools. Playing couples games, sharing articles, and even swapping porn can be a good way to open up a discussion about things that embarrass me a little.
One of the best ways to do it, though, is to fill out a sex questionnaire for couples.
Those are designed to get you to reveal some of your sexual preferences and desires without pushing you too far out of your comfort zone.
Doing them doesn’t always radically change my sex life, but they always get us talking and help us get to know each other better than before.
Picking the Right Questionnaire
The last time we did one, we looked online to find one that was accessible and well-designed. We narrowed it down to three questionnaires but only ended up completing one.
MojoUpgrade
We tried MojoUpgrade before and found it helpful, so we thought that would be a good place to start. But I ran into problems as soon as I got to the second question.
I have a hard time with ambiguity. I can’t fill out most forms without asking for some clarification.
That was the problem with this one. MojoUpgrade presents you with a series of sexual activities, like “Watch porn together.” You have to respond with one of three options: Nah, If partner wants, or Yep.
I’m Yep for watching porn with my husband, but for most other things the answer felt too strong. My answer to “Have sex with someone while Mr. Austin watches” is closer to “Well, just who am I fucking? How does Mr. Austin feel about it? And how cute do I look that day?”
I kept struggling with the questions, so I took a pass on the whole thing.
Sexionnaire
Next up was the Sexionnaire.
The home page warns you that it’s huge and they aren’t kidding. The Sexionnaire is extremely thorough. If you and your partner want to do a deep dive into every kink imaginable, it might be the right one for you. For us, though, it was way too comprehensive.
We skipped over whole sections on things like emetophilia (you might regret googling that one) and coprophilia (ditto).
Some items also stopped us dead in our tracks. I couldn’t help but laugh when I came across “Brush your teeth with his cum.”
(That’s a nope for me, and after doing some digging I’ve discovered that it’s an extremely rare kink at best.)
The Sexionnaire also uses a His and Hers format that is very heteronormative. That wasn’t an obstacle for us, but it could be frustrating for anyone who doesn’t fit that mold. MojoUpgrade at least starts off by asking whether you and your partner have a hole or a pole (their words, not mine!)
We Should Try It
The one we ended up using is called We Should Try It.
The biggest appeal of this one is how fine-grained the answers get. Instead of just checking off a yes or no, you’ve got six options to choose from. You can select No, Maybe, Yes, Already do that, If partner interested, and I want more, which gives you some very helpful nuance.
On top of that, when you choose Maybe, If partner interested, or I want more, you can rate how interested you are in doing the act on a scale of one to five.
We answered the first three categories of questions: Basics, Advanced (mostly BDSM), and Bonus.
The Discussion Period
When we were done filling out our answers, we talked about the results.
There were a lot of things that were obvious to us or that we’ve already talked to death.
Like, I wasn’t shocked that Mr. Austin would be happy to get more blowjobs. He didn’t seem all that surprised that I could go for more sensual massages.
Same with tit fucking. He’s into it. I’m neutral. Not exactly news to us.
And we already knew we were on the same page about group sex. Yes, if we met the right person - which is easier said than done for two demisexuals. A 5+ person orgy, though? That sounds more confusing than sexy (though Mr. Austin enjoys a nice big group bang in porn once in a while).
But then we got to the good stuff - the answers that got us talking (and laughing) a lot.
“Talk dirtier to partner”
I’m extremely into dirty talk and my husband knows how to use his words to excite me. I have no complaints at all.
But I clicked Maybe because, hey, who knows? Maybe throwing out even more dirty praise would be even hotter.
My husband, though, chose Yes. He’d love for me to do it more.
I can’t blame him. Like I said earlier, I’m painfully shy. Even though I want to tell him to eat me out, call him daddy, or beg him to fuck me harder, it almost never crosses my lips.
So, no, I don’t say much. But I was a little surprised to discover that he thought I didn’t do any dirty talking at all.
I disagree. I say plenty of things like “Oh my God,” “Yes!,” and “Fuck yes, keep going!”
I insisted that it counts as dirty talk. Mr. Austin didn’t quite agree. “Those are more like verbal moans,” he said skeptically.
Fine. I guess I can try harder.
Maybe.
“Roleplay in costumes”
We both put this one in the Maybe pile, and we did it for the same reason. Neither of us were all that interested in roleplaying with dialogue and whatever. But we both gave a hard yes to fucking in costumes.
I love the idea of getting fucked while I’m dressed up like Snow White, but I wouldn’t need Mr. Austin to pretend he’s Doc.
That information was extremely handy. The next thing I knew, I was browsing Etsy for all sorts of cute sexy outfits.
“Listen to romantic music while having sex”
We hadn’t listened to music in a really long time, but we always used to fuck while something was playing.
When I first moved in with Mr. Austin, we lived in a basement apartment in his parents’ home. We had to find a way to muffle our sex sounds.
Our next place was a traditional apartment in a building with questionable soundproofing. Again, we used music to cover up the noise.
Because of that, I have a big catalog of songs that I strongly associate with sex. If there’s 80s pop or new wave playing somewhere, chances are it’s taking me back to a time I fucked to it.
That makes going to the mall a little awkward, but it’s nice overall.
Fucking to music is one of those things that we just kind of stopped doing. It wasn’t a conscious decision, but once we got a place with sturdier walls, we didn’t take the extra step of putting on some bang jams before having sex. Then we had kids and needed to make sure we could hear the baby monitor and that was that.
I had no idea how much I missed it until that question made me think about it.
Once we were done, I put together a playlist. We don’t always put it on but once in a while it’s nice to have sex while Al Green serenades us.
“Use sex furniture (such as a sex swing or ramp)”
We had both made comments about wanting to try sex furniture, but never had a serious conversation about it until we compared our answers.
This one is a big yes for us - in theory. In reality, it’s a little more complicated.
For one thing, neither of us are great at assembling IKEA furniture, so I’m not sure I’d trust a sex swing that we put up together. And I don’t think I could look a contractor in the eye after they anchored one to our ceiling.
It’s also not terribly discrete. I have no idea what I’d put it and even less of a clue what I’d tell the kids if they asked about it. How do you explain a sex swing in a way that satisfies their curiosity but doesn’t result in a call home when they repeat what you said at school?
And I just know the kids would be in it all the damn time. I love them, but I don’t want them spending any more time in my bedroom than they have to.
Now a ramp or a wedge, that’s a lot more feasible. I could just tuck it in the closet between uses. And if I forget it on the bed, I can just tell the kids it’s an ergonomic device.
By the time I’m done answering “What’s ergonomic?” they will have forgotten all about the wedge.
The only reason I don’t have one yet is that I’m cheap. We’re library people - we almost always borrow books instead of buying them.
I’m sure I’ll get a ramp eventually, but until then I’ll keep wedging pillows under my ass.
“Have sex in a car”
We gave half-assed answers to this one.
We’re both done having penetrative sex in cars. I’ve been there, done that, and I know there’s no way to be super comfortable doing it.
Handjobs, blowjobs, and clit play would be better. But I don’t see that happening while we still have a minivan full of car seats.
I think my car sex days are behind me. Unless I’m parked at the drive-in, then my date can go ahead and have their way with me.
“Have partner kiss my ears”
For this one, I said that I’d do it if my partner was into it.
“I thought that was a foolproof move,” Mr. Austin told me, incredulously.
I can see why he thought that. He pulls it pretty often and it gets a physical reaction out of me every time. But I had to break the news to him.
“That’s not arousal. That’s me squirming because it tickles.”
I’m glad we cleared the air on that one. I don’t mind having my ears kissed, but now I won’t have to wonder why he’s licking my earlobe instead of licking the parts of my body that really get me going.
A Fun Way to Get to Know Each Other
If you haven’t done one - or haven’t done one in a while - I highly recommend filling out a questionnaire like We Should Try It.
It’s a lot of fun, it could reveal kinks you secretly share, and you might end up having much better sex.
At the very least, you’ll have great conversation, laugh over some of the answers, and feel closer to each other.
Ideally, you could just have these conversations unprompted. But that’s not realistic for most couples. A questionnaire gives you a really good low-pressure way to find out what your partner’s into - and reveal your preferences and fantasies to them.
And who knows, you might just end up hanging upside down in a sex swing, wearing a Little Bo Peep costume and having the best sex of your life.
One thing my husband I learned through these kinds of questionnaires is that we’re both into bondage. If you get the same results and want to explore it with your partner, I highly recommend getting a really good set of restraints. My favorite is the Sportsheets Under the Bed Restraint System. Get it from Betty’s Toy Box and use my discount code LOVEEMMA to save 10% on your entire order!
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