Why Do Men Care So Much About a Woman’s Number?

And do they just suck at math, or what?!

I have a double-digit sex number. It’s in the very low double digits, sure, but if I had to type out the number of people I’ve had sex with, I’d only need to do two key strokes.

I’ve always been aware that men often consider my number high, because they seem to consider any number in the double digits high.

I remember guys making comments about not wanting to date “some slut who fucked ten guys.” I’d silently count out my dalliances and realize that I fell into that category.

I’d also encounter (in conversation or even in print) men saying they wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with a woman unless she had some laughably low number of previous sexual partners.

And of course, there are all those terrible memes going around warning men not to date women who are “used goods” or warning women that promiscuous sexual activity damages them.

I never felt all that bad about my number, but I was very much aware that I was supposed to. And I knew that some people looked down on me or judged me for it.

Here’s the thing, though. My husband’s number is pretty damn close to mine, but his experience with his number is vastly different.

No one ever implied that he might not be husband material because of it.

No one ever cringed when he told them his number. Partly, that’s because almost nobody asked because no one really cared.

And he never got the message that there was something wrong with him because he had been around the block.

So, it’s clear to me that there’s a double standard that cuts across gender lines. Plenty of men want the women they date to have a low number.

But what I’ve never really understood is why. What’s the rationale for this? Why does 10+ sexual partners bother these guys when two or three wouldn’t?

The closest I came to an explanation was a thread on AskReddit. That makes sense, since Reddit is a place where people feel free to voice their most retrograde, reprehensible, or irrational views.

Spoiler alert: even after reading these reasons, I’m still not ashamed of my number.

Not Serious About a Relationship

One reason I encountered is that a woman with a promiscuous sexual history isn’t going to be serious about wanting a relationship.

This is just silly to me. Among my friends, I was the most promiscuous one. I decided to get rid of my virginity first. I had more hookups and one night stands. My number was and is still is higher than theirs.

But I was also the first one to really settle down. I married before any of them did.

In fact, I definitely think I was having sex more often than my friends specifically because I was more interested in having a relationship than they were. I was on the prowl, damnit.

But even if that wasn’t the case, I don’t see how my number would reflect that. I was still in my teens when I hit the double digits. Plenty of people aren’t looking for a relationship in their teens but are ready to start playing house a few years later.

No Self-Control

Here’s another rationale for wanting a woman with a low number: a high number shows that she has no self-control.

That’s another one that strikes me as completely absurd because, again, I just have to consult my own personal experience.

My hookups and one-night stands might not have been my most well thought out moments, but they were definitely not impulsive.

Within the context of relationships, I’ve had my share of moments where I was just so damn horny I couldn’t resist doing something naughty with my partner. But most of my one night stands came more out of deliberate choices than passion.

I would often sort of just plan to have sex. When I knew I was going to a party, I’d make a conscious decision to see if I could find someone I’d want to sleep with when I got there. (I told you, I was on the prowl.)

I do lack self-control sometimes. It’s why I recently bought more underwear than I needed. It’s why I sometimes have an extra slice of pizza. But it has never brought my number up.

Incompatible Views About Sex

I’ve encountered a couple of variants of this. Guys who don’t like hookups, don’t like one-night stands, don’t like to “sleep around” so they wouldn’t feel compatible with a partner who does.

But like, do they not understand how monogamy works?

I hit the one-night stands and hookups a little heavy early on, but once I met the man who would become my husband, they became a thing of the past - and I’m not even fully monogamous.

That’s part of the idea behind settling down. You build a sex life with your partner, and it doesn’t mean the kind of sex life you had before that just carries over into the relationship.

More Likely to Cheat

I’ve seen more than one person claim that a woman is more likely to cheat on you if she has a promiscuous past.

I’ve known cheaters. Plenty of them have a very modest sexual history.

And that shouldn’t be a surprise because women cheat for all sorts of reasons. It’s not always because they have an insatiable sexual appetite.

Sure, some women cheat because they’re randy and there’s someone in particular they’d like to get physical with.

But some women also cheat because they aren’t satisfied with their relationship and they’re looking for someone else to fill what’s missing.

Some women cheat because they feel trapped by their partner and it’s one way they can feel free.

And some women cheat because they’ve never been with anyone else, or have had very few sexual partners before their current one and they want to see if they’re missing out on anything.

None of those reasons have anything to do with their numbers (well, except the last one).

Makes Poor Decisions

Women cheat for all sorts of reasons. They also have sex for all sorts of reasons.

I had sex because I liked someone and I was hoping I could get them to like me back.

I had sex because I wanted to keep my boyfriend happy.

I once did it because I wanted to find out what having sex with a woman is like.

I did it because I was curious about having a threesome, and having one alongside my future husband felt like a safe option.

I had sex because a guy I really liked told me he was in love with me - and then he changed his mind by morning.

But mostly I had hookups and one-night stands because I wanted to have fun and enjoy myself.

Some of those aren’t the best reasons, sure, but it’s not fair to paint my sexual history with such a broad brush. And I could easily have had a much higher number even if I had made smarter choices in life. Because, really, what’s smarter than doing something because it’s fun?

This Is Probably the Real Reason

The most common answer I’ve encountered through my life is a variant of this one. When you ask a guy why a certain number is too high, they’ll often say something along the lines of “it just is.”

I honestly think that’s always the reason. The other reasons I looked at above don’t hold water, and they really seem like they’re simply rationalizations.

In other words, these guys feel insecure or otherwise uncomfortable about having a partner who has slept with a lot of people, so they come up with a “rational” explanation for that feeling.

That seems to be the only way to account for how few men seem to have an explanation for this kneejerk reaction to a partner’s number, and how none of the reasons they do muster for it make much sense.

Are Men Just Terrible at Math?

There’s another thing that bothers me about the low number of past partners guys expect from a woman they’re in a relationship with.

You’ve all probably heard of the somewhat outdated three date rule: that a woman won’t sleep with a guy until at least the third date.

Well, guys have their own version of it. Many of them expect a woman to sleep with them by the third date.

Sometimes it’s the fourth date, or the fifth one. But in general, the consensus seems to be that once y’all aren’t virgins anymore, it should happen pretty damn quickly.

Here are some Redditors again, to represent that outlook.

But if you’re a straight or bisexual woman, you probably just have to consult your own dating history to realize that very few men insist on waiting beyond a few dates before getting some action.

And these two paired attitudes, that I’ve often seen from the same guys, have left me with a very serious question: are men just really terrible at math?

They want a woman to sleep with them after a few days, but they want a woman whose number of previous partners is low.

So, they want someone who hasn’t been dating but will date them?

Or they want someone who never puts out after a few dates, but will make an exception for their studly selves?

It just doesn’t add up.

Women who want to date men, then, are in an impossible situation. Fuck him soon after you start dating or he might lose interest in you. But if you do that too often, your future partners might not think you’re relationship material.

It’s no wonder so many of us feel like we have to lie about that shit.

Her Number Doesn’t Matter

In the end, a woman’s number doesn’t really tell you anything other than the number of people she had sex with.

It doesn’t tell you why they had sex with them. It doesn’t tell you how serious they were about the people they slept with.

It doesn’t even tell you how often her number ticked up because she had been led on, manipulated, or lied to by someone who wanted to use her.

So, I would advise anyone who places a big importance on a woman’s number to stop making it such a big deal. For one thing, it doesn’t tell you anything about her or her character. But also, the more you care about her number, the more your insecurity is showing - and it’s not a good look.

If you liked this article, you should totally check out the Horny Late Night Thoughts (Slapping Balls, Hot Dicks, and Dirty Praise) episode of my dirty and intimate sex podcast, Pillow Talk With Emma Austin!