Sometimes I Just Need a Crush

But first I have to get over my last one

Sometimes crushes feel amazing. Sometimes they’re excruciatingly painful.

The best crushes are hopeful ones. My first hopeful crush was Mark.

At first, I felt like my crush was one-sided and that all my efforts to get him interested in me would be for nothing.

He was a friend and I had tested the waters by lightly flirting with him. He never reciprocated. I kept a little shred of hope but figured he just wasn’t interested in me in that way.

Even though I didn’t feel like I had much of a shot with him, I still went out of my way to see him whenever I could.

Once, my parents had grounded me but I knew that some of my friends had gone to his house. It killed me not to be there, too, so I told my parents I was bored and would go for a long walk. And I did — right to Mark’s place.

Once I got there, I hung out with everyone for a bit. Then I went to the garage to smoke some weed with Mark. Being alone with him made me feel nervous, and I was worried I would be awkward and fuck everything up. So, I was completely caught off guard when he started hitting on me, and even more surprised when he asked me out.

I agreed eagerly but it was getting late and my parents were probably getting suspicious, so I had to leave before I could really put my hands on him.

I couldn’t collect my thoughts on the way home. I spent the whole walk feeling floored. When I got back, I was so excited and desperate to tell someone that I told my mother immediately, even though I never told her things like this. I lied and said that I ran into Mark on my walk and that he asked me out.

I doubt she bought it (the problem with valuing honesty is that it makes me a bad liar) but I didn’t care. I just felt so damn good and I couldn’t contain it.

My next major hopeful crush was James.

I had an after school job conducting phone surveys and writing down lonely people’s opinions on different soap brands. I spent my breaks flirting with my hot co-worker James.

In some ways, he felt a little out of my league — too attractive, cool, and mature to bother with me. But he would flirt with me, too, so it never felt like painful, unrequited attention. It just felt good, exciting, and thrilling. It still felt a little unreal, but in the back of my mind there was always the possibility that it could go somewhere.

It did go somewhere, but not anywhere with a happy ending. Things went much better the next time I had a serious crush, though. I crushed on a guy named Jake and that hopeful crush turned to certainty. Certainty turned to a relationship. And that relationship is still going strong today.

I’m My Best Self When I’m Crushing

Having a hopeful crush doesn’t just feel amazing. It also makes me feel like my best self.

We often talk about crushes as if they’re just strong feelings of attraction, intense desire, or distractingly powerful infatuation. But, for me at least, they’re so much more than that.

Having a crush on someone changes my whole outlook on life and changes the way I live mine.

Being in the throes of a hopeful crush makes me feel more optimistic — not just about romance, but about everything. I have a more positive outlook on my work, my future, and my life in general.

It also makes me more confident. I take bolder steps and make bigger moves when I have a crush. I worry less and take a few extra risks. It’s usually when I’m crushing hard that I start seriously thinking about revealing my identity (thankfully, I always come to my senses before changing my profile photo!)

I also get much better at self care. This is something I struggle with most of the time. I always know I’ll feel better if I get off my ass and redye my hair, keep my daily squats challenge going, or do a decent amount of hula hooping, but it’s hard to stay motivated.

Except when I have a crush. Then, I’m more likely to do things that are good for me, not what feels easiest.

My mood is generally better, too. I wake up feeling energized instead of groggy. I can handle little setbacks without letting them bum me out too much. And when my mood swings, it’s usually up, not down.

I can still be happy without a crush. I still get excited about stuff and feel satisfied with the great things I have in my life. It’s not like everything turns to shit as soon as I stop swooning over someone. But there’s no denying that the world just feels a little flatter. There’s just nothing that propels me quite like a romance or a sexual affair that could be.

Hopeless Crushes Are Miserable

I usually love having a crush, but some crushes just feel terrible. There’s no giddiness to them. There’s no excitement. There are just a bunch of weird feelings you can’t really do anything with.

Those are the hopeless crushes — the ones you know can’t go anywhere.

My first real crush was a hopeless crush, so I was off to a good start.

It was grade six and I developed a crush on a boy I had known since kindergarten. I had never thought of him as anything but a friend, but then puberty changed everything. All of a sudden, I couldn’t feel comfortable around him. Whenever he was near, I’d get shy, I’d barely speak, and I would feel super self-conscious.

It was kind of fun to fantasize about dating him, about kissing him, or even just about him liking me. But I was painfully aware that none of that would ever happen. He was one of the popular kids. I was a dorky middle school band geek.

I never had a chance with him so feeling drawn to him mostly made me feel bad until I got over it.

But getting over that crush wasn’t enough, because once I got to high school I developed a huge crush on someone else who wasn’t in my reach. He was the president of the student union. I was a nobody. I’m not even sure he knew who I was.

Then, there was Hailey. She was very attainable — she had as strong a crush on me as I had on her. It should’ve been thrilling, but I got so freaked out by my budding bisexual feelings that I closed off all possibility of being with her and turned that crush into a hopeless one.

And in adulthood, I felt like all my crushes were hopeless ones. Because I was in a committed relationship that I hadn’t opened up yet, any infatuation I felt could go nowhere.

When I fell for a coworker, started flirting with him regularly, and even got slightly physically intimate with him (nothing serious — we sat close and touched knees), I made myself pull back from him because I was scared of ruining what I had with Jake.

Then there was Adam, the really hot guy in my psych class who seemed kind of fond of me and I definitely felt fond of him. He stopped flirting with me when he found out I had a boyfriend, so that took care of itself.

Then there was a girl I met when I transferred to a different college. To her face, I called her Becca. When I told Mr. Austin about her, I called her Hot Becca. We became friends but I wanted to be more than friends. We even slept in the same bed on an overnight trip. But that could go nowhere because she was, unfortunately, very straight.

All those crushes made for some fun (and hot) fantasizing, but mostly they hurt. They just felt pointless. They made me feel like my hormones were in conflict with my reason.

Crushing on someone who doesn’t want to be with me or who I can’t be with basically feels like constant rejection, because I get a little obsessed with them and I can’t stop thinking about how I can’t follow through on any of my feelings.

So, those kinds of crushes I could do without. But they’re not actually the worst. Those would be disappointed crushes.

The Worst Type of Crush

A disappointed crush is one that starts off hopeful but ends up being hopeless.

The disappointment can happen because you realize there’s just no way it could work out and you lose hope. It can happen because they just don’t like you the way you like them. It can happen because the object of your crush turns out to be a different person than you thought them to be. It can happen because you actually get your hands on them and it turns out they want something very different than what you want.

And if you’re really fucking unlucky, your crush can disappoint you in more than one way.

My last crush was a disappointed one.

I crushed on him from a distance. I didn’t know him personally, but I still felt really drawn to him, to the image he projected.

Eventually, I got his attention and we started corresponding.

Things were moving quickly and I was excited that I was finally getting to know him.

And then things got dirty, and that was really fucking exciting. Until I realized that things were only getting dirty.

I learned that we didn’t want the same thing from each other. I wanted sex, sure, but I wanted more, too. There were obstacles to getting more but I’m a die hard hopeless romantic.

I was disappointed but not done. I still felt something for him. So, I leaned into that feeling. I did my best to embrace the friends-with-benefits situation we had fallen into. There was no denying that we had some sexual chemistry, so I thought that would be enough.

That might have been a little too optimistic.

We still flirted, but the flirting would sometimes get awkward. There were times when our conversations would flow, carried by an undercurrent of naughtiness. And other times, we just weren’t able to connect.

It started to seem as if our personalities might just be too mismatched.

I made a lot of jokes. Sometimes, he’d ignore them. Sometimes, he’d assume I was serious. But he rarely seemed amused by them. Dorky jokes are part of my game so not being able to rely on them made it harder to connect.

That was the second disappointment. It’s not just that he wasn’t interested in having more. It’s that it’s not clear we can form a meaningful friendship if we’re so out of sync.

Disappointed crushes are probably the most complicated ones. It’s not as simple as not clicking with someone and just cutting them loose. No matter how little connection we seem to have, no matter how hard it is for us to even have a conversation, I still can’t scrub him from my thoughts.

There’s still some attraction, there’s still a pull, even though the things that I was drawn to are mostly gone.

So, now it’s mostly all frustration. I’d rather not crush on him, but I can’t shake these feelings. He used to give me butterflies, but since the hope disappeared he mostly just gives me anxiety.

This isn’t the kind of crush that makes me feel excited about my day. It’s not the kind that makes the world seem full of possibilities and makes me want to be my best self.

Mostly, it just bums me out. It makes me wallow in my feelings. It makes me wish I hadn’t developed this crush in the first place.

Getting Over a Crush and Feeling Hopeful Again

I don’t want to feel like shit, especially not over some guy. And especially not over a disappointing crush.

And really, the easiest way to move on would be to develop a new crush. I wish it were that simple, but I just don’t crush all that often. I go through crush droughts where I spend a long time not meeting anyone I like, not in that way.

But I want to set myself up for success, so I’m taking steps to cure myself of my disappointing crush so I can make room for a new (preferably hopeful) one.

First, I’m trying not to wallow in my negative feelings.

That’s hard for me because I don’t take romantic disappointment well. Being demisexual gives me a scarcity mindset when it comes to relationships. Crushes don’t come easy to me, so every crush feels like the last one — or at least the last one for a while.

So, losing a crush feels a lot like losing hope.

Still, I’m trying to spend less time moping. I’m focusing on the great things about my life (there are plenty) and making sure I keep moving forward.

I’m trying to stay productive, keeping up with my hobbies, and doing my best to take care of myself and not let my healthy habits slide.

I’m also putting my energy into new passion projects and learning new skills. I’m fucking around with audio lately, and even though I’m a complete amateur, doing it makes me feel less stuck.

And I’m making time for my other friendships and relationships. Because I can get excited about my friends, and I can feel hopeful with the people who give me comfort. It’s never quite the same as the rush I get from a crush, but it’s a good reminder that I don’t need to spend so much time pining over the one that I can’t have.

Mostly, though, I’m just trying to stay open. I’m reminding myself that this won’t be the last time I get a crush. It won’t be the last time I feel great about myself or optimistic. My world isn’t always going to feel a bit flat.

Someone else always comes along. And with any luck, that someone else will actually think my jokes are funny.