Men Hitting on Women Online Need to Up Their Game

It’s not hard - here’s how to do it

Heyyy.

Did you click away yet?

If you haven’t, you’re a lot more patient than I am.

That, or some variant of it, is the message I receive most often from strangers these days.

I’ve created a couple of online profiles with the hope of making friends. Mostly, though, I’m just getting guys trying to hit on me.

That doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Sure, I’m mostly looking to make friends, but I’m also polyamorous so I’m open to guys and gals who are looking for more than that.

What surprises me is just how little game these guys have.

I mean, they’re looking to get laid or maybe make a connection that leads to some kind of relationship. You’d think they’d put at least a bit of effort into the messages they send. And yet, I keep getting boring or actively off-putting private messages.

I know I’m not the only one on the receiving end of this. This vlogger, for instance, deals with the same thing and is just as puzzled as I am by it.

The worst part is that it would actually be very easy to come across interesting or charming enough for me to respond.

Seriously, almost anyone could do it. But they either don’t bother to pique a woman’s interest or they have no idea how.

Sup?

I created two online profiles to try and make friends.

One was a Reddit account I used to post a personal ad on R4R (redditor for redditor) forums, looking to make friends. The other was a Fetlife profile I created in the hopes of meeting people who like talking about sex as much as I do.

The messages kept coming in. Dude after dude trying to get my attention - and failing miserably.

It’s an endless stream of greetings.

Heyy.

Sup?

Hi there.

How’s it going?

And that’s it. Nothing more. Nothing to help them stand out in a sea of “Heyys.”

Sometimes, there’s a shirtless muscle shot attached to it. But again, these are a dime a dozen in these places.

My guess is that they have no idea what it’s like being a woman in these spaces. I got a flash flood of messages to my inbox as soon as I set up my profile. I can’t even imagine how many the women who are younger, thinner, and prettier than me get.

When a guy sends a generic greeting, it just gets drowned out with the rest. It’s just too generic to stand out and catch my interest.

It’s not just the greetings that are generic. The pickup lines are, too.

I haven’t received “Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?” but I’ve received my fair share of real duds.

It’s not just word count, either. I’ve received a few messages that were quite lengthy. The only problem is they were clearly copy/pasted.

Usually, they seemed highly crafted, like the goal was to fine tune them to appeal to any woman. Which, of course, probably won’t appeal to any woman at all because we can all tell it wasn’t written for us.

Now, I don’t ignore these guys entirely. I’m not a monster. I usually take a look at their profile to see what kind of bio they have. It doesn’t usually do much to sway me, though. For the most part, the bios they post are super sparse and don’t give me a sense of the person behind them.

So, message after message comes in and there’s nothing that makes any of them stand out. Without a meaningful way to tell any of them apart, I end up responding to none of them.

Wanna Meet Up and Shoot a Video?

I expected people to message me on Reddit and Fetlife, but I didn’t expect any action on Pornhub.

I created a Pornhub account so I could create playlists and get better recommendations. I figured I might also comment on some videos if I ever felt inspired, so I chose a username and uploaded a photo (no face, just cleavage this time).

I had no idea anyone could interact privately with me, or even want to. But oh, do they ever want to.

Day one, friend requests started coming in from guys who lived in my geographical region.

Day two, I got even more. And they’ve just been trickling in regularly ever since.

I accept them (like I said, I’m not a monster) and then the messages come in.

Now, this is Pornhub, so I’m not expecting anyone bringing the romance (though a shred of seduction wouldn’t hurt). But still, all I’m getting is the same generic messages I get elsewhere. Lots of “Heyy” and “Sup?”

What’s new is the guys who are super eager to meet.

I’ve had one guy ask me if I wanted to drive over to his place for some sexy fun. He offered to pay me to fuck, which is pretty generous since all he knows about me is the bit of cleavage in my photo.

The strangest thing, though, is how frequently guys will message me out of the blue and ask if I want to meet up with them and shoot a porn video. Again, they’re asking based solely on my cleavage - and I’m meant to accept based solely on the dick pic they use as a profile photo.

Again, I’m not expecting much from guys on Pornhub - I wasn’t expecting to get friend requests and messages at all. But I’m shocked at how little game they have. You’d think they’d give it 110% if their goal was to convince women to meet up and fuck on camera.

Level Up Your Game

Guys, this is your competition online. Trust me when I say it wouldn’t be hard to stand out.

The first thing you need to do is avoid anything generic. Send a message that feels real, that makes it clear you read her profile, read her post, and decided to write something just for her.

After I posted on Reddit, a guy named Mike sent me a message that just worked. I didn’t have to hem and haw over whether I was going to reply to him. I didn’t have to keep comparing his message to the other ones I was receiving. I felt drawn to what he wrote and replied right away.

He told me about himself. He commented on some of the things I mentioned in the post. He made a few jokes that showed his sense of humor.

It showed that he paid attention to what I wrote and gave a glimpse into his personality.

In the end, my interactions with Mike didn’t turn out well, but they started out just fine and left me wishing I received more messages like his.

So, that’s the main tip. Don’t send anything generic. No “heyy,” no pick-up line, no manifesto you’re sending every woman whose profile you click on. Just a bit about yourself and something that shows you actually read what we posted.

Also, try not to brag.

I know everyone wants to come across confident, and if you read enough pick up artist nonsense online you might be convinced that it’s literally all you need to make a woman fall for you (sorry, it’s not). But there’s a fine line between confident and cocky and way too many guys cross it.

Being confident doesn’t mean talking yourself up, it doesn’t mean trying really hard to show how smart you are, it definitely doesn’t mean messaging someone who is clearly not interested. And it doesn’t mean casually mentioning that you once sat at the same table as George Clooney at a charity event (yep, that one happened). All it really means it that you’re comfortable putting your real self out there.

A joke can go a long way, too, but make sure it’s tasteful. Launching into dirty jokes about us having sex within one or two messages (true story) is going to be off-putting to most women.

Same with the guy who replied “I’m Jeffrey Dahmer” when I asked him to tell me a bit about himself. If the point was to put me at ease with some light humor, it failed miserably!

If dirty comments and dark jokes are your jam, just remember that if everything goes well, this won’t be the last time you talk to the woman you’re reaching out to. You don’t need to show her every side of your personality right away, so consider playing it safe until you know what type of person she is and how she responds to that sort of thing.

You Don’t Always Have to Shoot Your Shot

For a few different personal reasons, I eventually changed my profiles so they specified that I am only interested in meeting and making friends with women.

I don’t know if that deterred any men from messaging me, but it sure as hell didn’t deter all of them. I get almost as many messages from men as I did before.

The boldest one addressed the fact directly, saying “Hey, I know you said you’re only interested in women but I think we’d be really compatible.”

Most of them, though, just message me without commenting on it.

If you’re thinking of doing this kind of thing, don’t.

For one thing, it makes it seem like you didn’t read someone’s profile when you hit her up even though she made clear she wasn’t interested in you.

It also looks desperate. I mean, how thirsty for companionship do these guys have to be to message me despite what my profile says?

But mostly, it’s just a good idea to avoid inserting yourself where you’re not wanted.

A man hitting me up when I said I’m only interested in women isn’t bold. It’s just annoying.

There’s another time that shooting your shot is inappropriate: when you’ve already been ignored.

It happens pretty often. I’ll ignore a generic message some guy sends. Then, a few days later, the same person will follow up with absolutely no extra game.

For some reason, me ignoring their “What’s up?” doesn’t clue them in to the fact that I’ll probably ignore their “How’s it going?” too.

No one owes you a response when you reach out to them online. So, when you don’t get one, the only right move is to back off and bow out respectfully.

Worse than the ones who can’t take a hint are those who flame up quickly. They’ll message me and then give me anywhere between 20 minutes to 6 hours to respond before calling me a bitch or throwing some worse insults at me.

Those guys don’t need to improve their game. They have deeper issues to work through first.

Obligatory Dick Pic Disclaimer

We’re nearing the end of 2019, so I would think that it doesn’t need to be said that you shouldn’t show her your penis unless she asked or agreed to see it.

But it’s also near the end of 2019 and we’re all still drowning in dick pics, so here we go again.

I like looking at dicks, and that includes dick pics. I really do. It’s not my main hobby or anything, but I subscribe to some subreddits specifically to see some. I even wrote articles about looking at dicks.

But just because I like looking at dicks doesn’t mean I want to look at your dick. It certainly doesn’t mean I want to see it now. And if I want to see it, I want it to be on my terms, too, not just yours.

So until you get the green light, keep it in your pants. It’s just common sense.

If you don’t, you’ll run the risk of putting her off. Or worse, somehow having her send your dingaling to your mother.

You Can (And Should) Do Better

This isn’t all it takes to win someone over. But if you keep striking out online, make sure you’re at least bringing some kind of game to your messages.

Personalize your introductions. Keep your dick in your pants. Avoid saying creepy stuff. And don’t keep bothering women who haven’t shown an interest.

If you can do that, your odds of starting a conversation - or a conversation that actually goes somewhere - will go up substantially.

If you liked this article, you should totally check out the How to Actually Flirt With Your Wife (And Get Laid) episode of my dirty and intimate sex podcast, Pillow Talk With Emma Austin!