Life's Too Short for Self-Conscious Sex

I’m done letting my insecurities stop me

When I first met my husband, I did my best to be confident during sex. But he didn’t make it easy.

The first time we had sex, he undressed me completely. It took me by surprise because no one had ever tried to take my shirt off before.

It didn’t help that it was the middle of the day. The sunlight beaming through the window felt like a spotlight aimed directly at my body.

I had never been exposed like that before. I had taken my pants and panties off to fuck, obviously, but I was always under a blanket or in the dark.

I was freaking out on the inside, but I kept my cool. I was fueled by New Relationship Energy and a strong desire to impress him.

My confidence was fake, but the sex was very real. And it just escalated from there.

That mid-day romp kickstarted everything. I got naked every time we fucked. We did things we saw in porn. We tried every position we could think of, even the ones that made me think about my body too much.

We had sex during the day. We had sex at night with the lights on. We had sex outdoors under the afternoon sun. We had sex in the shower (which would’ve been way too risky to even attempt in the dark).

Then, things slowed down. The NRE faded into a more comfortable relationship, one with less heat and more intimacy.

For months, we had sex multiple times a day. Then, we settled into doing it a few times a week. That became about once a week. Eventually, we were having sex less than once a month.

The less often we had sex, the less confident I felt. I lost the momentum that kept me adventurous, kept me naked, and kept the lights on.

I was back to being extremely aware of how exposed I was during sex. I only fucked in the dark. Even if I was horny in the early evening, I’d insist on waiting until the sun went down before we did anything.

It stayed that way for more than ten years.

Then, about a year ago, my libido started to come back. I underwent hormone replacement therapy for my chronic hormonal imbalances, and I was writing smut every day. I’m not sure which one had the biggest effect on my desire for sex, but the combination of the two revived my sex life.

I was nowhere close to having sex multiple times a day again, but I was doing much better than once a month.

I was still having sex partially dressed and in the dark. I wanted to change that.

Being self-conscious hadn’t done me any favors. I wasn’t enjoying myself nearly as much as I could be. And it wasn’t making me feel better. Giving in to my anxieties and hiding my body made me feel a little more comfortable in the moment, but it didn’t help me love myself.

So, I took baby steps. I started getting fully undressed while still having sex in the dark.

Then, I introduced a single-wick candle to give the room a little bit of light. When I got comfortable with that, I switched it to a three-wick candle.

Sometimes, we’d have sex just after dusk and I’d leave the blinds open so that a little moonlight would brighten up the room.

I wanted to slowly, gradually work my way back to being the kind of women who fucks with the lights on and doesn’t care if the sun is up.

I was making steady progress. Then, summer came.

The long summer days were a problem. The sun lit up the sky late into the evening and was still up when I was starting to feel exhausted.

I had to choose. I could wait until it was dark to have sex, which meant going to bed late. Or I could fuck while the sun was up and get a decent amount of sleep.

I wasn’t willing to sacrifice sex for sleep, so I forced myself to get naked and fuck while the sun was still up.

So much for gradually adjusting to sex with the lights on.

Over the years, my behavior changed. I started fucking my husband mid-day with my clothes off. Then, I only had sex in the dark with my shirt on. Now, I’m back to fucking completely nude, by candlelight or while the sun is setting.

But through all of it, I never stopped being self-conscious. I just managed it better or worse at different points of my life.

I used my self-consciousness as an excuse. I hid my body, telling myself it was okay because it’s what I needed. Only, it’s not what I needed, because it made me feel comfortable in the moment but it never improved my confidence. In fact, I’m pretty sure it made it worse.

My confidence has been improving. And I’m glad I decided to have better sex and enjoy my body more instead of waiting for my self-consciousness to go away (for all I know, it never will).

It’s easy to tell yourself that you should feel confident, that you should do what you want, and that you just shouldn’t care. But it’s not that easy. The reality is you will care and you won’t stop caring overnight. You might never stop caring. So, here are some tips for having great, confident sex even if you’re self-conscious.

Keep Your Eyes Closed

Yes, there’s a visual component to sex. And no, I don’t mean close your eyes and keep them closed from start to finish. You can (and probably want to) look at your partner.

But if there is a certain moment or a particular position that makes you very self-conscious, closing your eyes can help you get through it.

Wearing a blindfold is a fun way to do this. I tried blindfolding my husband, thinking it would make me less self-conscious, but it didn’t work that well. Ironically, it worked a lot better when I was the one blindfolded.

It’s a bit counterintuitive, but I think the reason being blindfolded worked is because I couldn’t see what was happening. I felt less exposed. I knew that he could see me, but I didn’t know exactly where he was looking or what he was looking at.

I feel self-conscious when the attention is on my body. But when I can’t see, I have no idea where that attention is, and that helps.

Wear Lingerie or a Sexy Costume

I went shopping for lingerie exactly once in my life.

I found a hot pink nightie. It was cute. It was a bit modest but still sexy. And most importantly, I knew that Mr. Austin would love it.

I thought it would be my gateway to lingerie. If I could pull this one off, I could start wearing stuff like this all the time to excite him.

I brought it to the changing room and put it on. I looked at myself in the mirror and felt completely stupid. Wearing it made me feel embarrassed. Instead of making me feel sexy, it’s like it reminded me of how unsexy I was.

I hung it back up and never tried lingerie again.

Over the years, I’ve wanted to try it again. Wearing lingerie could boost my confidence, arouse my husband, and be just plain fun.

But every time I shopped for some online, I remembered that day in the dressing room when I felt too chubby to pull it off.

I’m still working my way up to lingerie, because I know it would be perfect for someone who’s as self-conscious as I am. It would let me feel sexy while still covering me up a bit.

Plus, I fucking love lingerie. I love looking at it. I love looking at women’s hips, asses, and tits when they’re wearing some. I love everything about women in lingerie and I just want into that club.

About a month ago, I took one step in that direction. Not lingerie, exactly, but close. I bought a costume to have sex in.

On Halloween, I dressed up like Alice for my husband.

I felt a bit stupid putting it on and staring at myself in the mirror. But once I saw the way Mr. Austin looked at me when I walked into the room, I felt a lot hotter.

The costume isn’t super revealing, but it was still a bold move for me. And pulling it off gave me some confidence. It helped me feel sexier without having to show a lot of skin.

So, if you want to entice your partner without revealing too much, find the right item of lingerie or a fun costume to fuck in. You might be surprised at the difference it makes.

Start on a Cute Day

Sometimes it’s nice to just rip the band-aid off. You decide to pick Wednesday evening as the day you’re going to finally fuck without the comforter on top of you.

But I’ve found it usually works better when I go with my general mood. There are just some days when my self-consciousness flares up. Some days I think I look kind of cute. Other days, I try my best to avoid the mirror.

Wait until you’re having a cute day. When you feel good about yourself, you’re more likely to feel confident about trying something new instead of feeling embarrassed by it.

You can also do things to get yourself in that mood. Start your day with a workout, do your hair up, make sure your makeup is on point. Own your Wednesday so you can feel really good about yourself when you decide to go reverse cowgirl and let your partner get a really good look at you.

Set Up More Intimacy

You’ll also feel better about stepping out of your comfort zone when you feel really connected with your partner. So, make sure you nurture some intimacy before being extra in bed.

Plan a date night. Spend the evening with them. Get cozy and comfortable. Do some cuddling and whisper sweet things to each other. Whatever it takes for you to feel really bonded.

Extra intimacy will make you feel safer, and that will make it easier for you to let loose.

Maximize Your Horniness

I often get less inhibited and less self-conscious as I’m having sex. That’s because the more aroused I get, I focus less on what I don’t like about myself and more on all the dirty things I want to do and have done to me.

You can surprise yourself and make some bold moves when you’re really horny, so make sure you get there.

Flirting and playfully teasing throughout the day helps a lot. So does plenty of foreplay. And when you’re fooling around, being edged can take your arousal to some pretty dizzying heights. (That’s not a metaphor — it can sometimes make you feel a little dizzy.)

Edging essentially frustrates the fuck out of your body and makes you crave a release. It’s the kind of thing that doesn’t just make you horny — it makes you desperate. And that’s a good place to be if you want to ignore all the negative self-talk in the back of your mind and just fuck with abandon.

Remind Yourself That Your Partner Wants to See You

If you’re in a relationship with someone who loves you, you know they want to see your body, no matter how flawed you think it is.

You’re attracted to your partner. You want to see their body when you’re having sex. They feel the same way.

But I know self-consciousness can be a really insidious thing. I have a husband who has spent years telling me he can’t get enough of my body and loves seeing me naked. It didn’t matter. I still felt inadequate and unattractive.

Let’s be honest, though. That was just my emotions playing me. Your emotions are just playing you, too. When your partner gets excited by seeing you naked and tells you they love the sight of your body, there’s no reason to question it. Even if your body makes you uncomfortable, trust your partner when they say they’re attracted to it.

Take Your Time

Fucking more confidently can be intimidating if you’re too focused on your ultimate end goal. Picturing yourself spread eagle under a spotlight with your partner watching you very closely is enough to make you want to have sex through the butt flap of a onesie.

Don’t worry too much about where you want to be and just focus on how you’re going to get there. You’ll probably have a lot more success and feel a lot better about your progress if you take baby steps.

You can light one single-wick candle instead of having sex in the dark.

You can take your shirt off but keep your bra on. Or you can wear a tank top and just pop your tits out (a long-standing favorite of mine).

You can have sex at dusk instead of waiting for the sun to set completely.

You can try some modified positions so you don’t feel completely on display. Maybe cowgirl makes you feel too exposed, so you can lean into his chest while riding him until you’re comfortable enough to prop yourself up and let him see everything.

Confidence doesn’t happen overnight and that’s okay. I’ve been working on mine for a year and I still have more progress to make. You don’t have to rush it. Just keep making progress and you’ll get there over time.

Have the Sex You Want

I spent a big part of my life just waiting to become confident.

I figured if I had enough sex, I’d eventually get to the point where I was comfortable doing it naked and fully exposed.

But I never got to have sex the way I wanted to. In fact, my confidence just got worse. I got used to hiding and more and more things started to embarrass me.

I realized that waiting and hoping never works for me. Only one thing does: faking it until I make it.

When I started writing, I didn’t think of myself as a writer. But I knew I’d have to act like one. No matter how many words I typed, I’d never feel like a writer unless I did the work, published my stuff, and start earning a bit of money from it.

I also have massive social anxiety, but people are usually shocked when they find out I do. It’s because I’m so damn good at pretending I don’t. I can’t shake the anxiety, but I don’t want it to rule my life so I try to live as if I don’t have it. And the more I put myself in social situations (or, rather, the more I don’t allow myself to run from them), the better I get at being around people without feeling completely drained and uncomfortable.

It’s the same with sex. The more I act like I’m confident, the more confident I feel. And it worked well. I still have some issues I’m working through, and I wouldn’t say I think of myself as sexy, but the progress has been noticeable. My sexual confidence has improved significantly in less than a year — and not all of it is fake.

So, if you’re self-conscious, don’t use it as an excuse to keep the lights off. Light some candles, wear the nightie, and fuck like no one’s watching.

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