It's a Myth That Most Women Have Rape Fantasies
We want ravishment, not violation
Some of my favorite porn scenes feature women who resist. They pull away. They’re reluctant. They’re pushed or cajoled into having sex.
They’re scenarios involving innocent babysitters being seduced by the man of the house.
Or sleepover scenes where the dirty uncle or pervy older brother slips into a girl’s bed and starts touching her.
And of course, girls stuck in dryers, window frames, or just about anywhere - ass out, begging for help, but getting manhandled and fucked instead.
Even though I get off to those kinds of scenes and get turned on by imagining myself in similar ones, I never identified as someone who has rape fantasies.
My mind loves playing on the edge of boundaries, but it never goes beyond dubious consent or consensual non-consent.
I figured my dirty daydreams must be tame compared to what other women fantasize about because I’ve heard repeatedly that it’s extremely common for women to have rape fantasies, or even that most women have them.
My guess was that I couldn’t be turned on by rape scenarios because I found depictions of abuse and violation too distressing to be arousing.
As it turns out, I had a lot more in common with women who claimed that to have rape fantasies than I realized.
We were both turned on by the same thing. We were just using completely different language to describe what we’re into.
That revelation didn’t shake my opinion, though. I still don’t consider myself to have rape fantasies at all. But I also don’t consider most other women’s nonconsenual or dubious consent fantasies to be rape fantasies, either.
What I do think, though, is that we need to change our language when we’re talking about women’s desires and turn-ons.
It’s Ravishment, Not Rape
My lightbulb moment came while I was watching a video by the YouTuber Evie Lupine in which she discussed Belle Delphine posting BDSM themed photos to social media.
Belle posted photos that depicted her in consensual non-consent setups, including what looked like a sexualized depiction of a kidnapping or abduction. She defended those posts by claiming that rape fantasies are prevalent among women and that playing into it consensually is perfectly fine.
Evie took a moment to call that language into question. She mentioned that she doesn’t like the term “rape fantasies” because “we need to separate the crime of rape from the fantasy scenarios that people engage in.”
Instead, she proposes calling them “ravishment fantasies.”
As soon as I heard her say those words, it all clicked.
That’s exactly what I’m into. Not abuse. Not violent assault. Not a violation of boundaries.
I’m into people being so overcome with desire they can’t resist fucking someone they shouldn’t. I’m into women who are so tempted by someone that they let themselves be overpowered or taken by them.
I love when pleasure is so irresistible that you can see someone giving into it - not because they’re being forced to but because they can’t help it.
When there are elements of nonconsent, it’s not exactly the lack of consent that turns me on. It’s the intensity of the desire.
It’s a guy finding his stepsister stuck in the dryer and not being able to resist fucking her. It’s her loving the way he’s manhandling her so much that she stops putting up a fight and actively wants him to pleasure her - even though she knows she shouldn’t.
That’s fucking hot to me. But a girl pleading to be left alone, being pressured into doing something she doesn’t want to do at all, crying while she’s being forced, or anything like that isn’t.
That’s why I’m not comfortable calling them rape scenarios. Because at some point, everyone involved has to want it, to be into it, and to be turned on and excited - even if they had to be cajoled, convinced, or had to talk themselves into it.
There can be reluctance. There can be discomfort. There can be conflicting emotions. The fantasies I’m into can involve someone feeling ashamed of what she’s doing. She might feel guilty for what (or who) she desires. She might be inhibited and needs someone else to push her into going as far as she wants to go.
But the point is that she still wants it. That’s what makes it ravishment instead of rape.
Other Women’s Fantasies
I wanted to make sure I wasn’t the odd one out, so I did a bit of digging. I wanted to know what other women meant when they said they had rape fantasies - and what other people mean when they ascribe that term to the scenarios that turn women on.
That led me to the work of Jenny Bivona.
Her research on women’s rape fantasies supports the fact that it’s really about ravishment, not violation.
One of her studies surveyed 355 female undergrads and found that 62% of them had rape fantasies.
The first thing that jumped out at me is her caveat that most rape fantasies don’t involve realistic depictions of rape.
In fact, that’s a prevalent finding. In her survey of the literature, she found lots of contradictory claims and inconsistent conclusions. But the two things that were pretty much universally agreed on are that most women with rape fantasies aren’t turned on by realistic rape scenarios and that pretty much none of them would be aroused by roleplaying a realistic rape scene.
But to make things extra confusing, studies of rape fantasies typically count women who imagine rape scenarios but don’t get turned on by them, don’t find them erotic, and don’t get any sexual gratification from them. These are referred to as “aversive rape fantasies” and in Bivona’s study these were often scenarios like a woman being attacked and assaulted while walking alone at night or when sleeping alone in her apartment.
I get that these are fantasies in the literal sense of the term. But when I think of sexual fantasies, I think of things that are meant to be enjoyed. These aversive ones sound more like intrusive thoughts to me.
When we stick to the erotic ones, they sound exactly like ravishment scenarios.
The majority of women in the study reported erotic “rape” fantasies in which “non-consent was feigned or token,” as well as scenarios where the woman goes “from resistant to willing” as the action moves along.
In other words, they weren’t really fantasizing about being raped. They were all imagining scenes where a woman genuinely wanted and enjoyed being taken.
In another study, Bivona tried to get to the bottom of why women have these fantasies.
She didn’t find any support for the theory that women fantasize about rape scenarios because it allows them to play out desires they feel ashamed of having.
What she did find, though, is that women who fantasize about being desired (in particular, fantasizing about being a stripper admired by a roomful of men) were more likely to have nonconsent fantasies. And women who were more open to various types of sexual fantasies were even more likely to have some where the consent is dubious.
And that’s even more evidence that it’s ravishment most of us are fantasizing about. It’s not really about being overpowered or violated so much as it’s about being desired and feeling aroused.
There’s Still Room for Genuine Rape Fantasies
I don’t want to say that there aren’t any women who have genuine rape fantasies. Not fantasies where the consent is shady or just lightly implied, but fantasy scenarios that depict more realistic sexual assault.
Those are a thing, for sure. But they’re a hell of a lot less common than ravishment scenarios.
I tend to think of genuine rape fantasies as an extension of certain kinks.
It could be a way to explore primal play or extremely rough sex.
Maybe it’s a way to dream up a masochistic scene.
Or maybe it just rubs some submissive ladies the right way for whatever reason.
I don’t want to dismiss those realistic rape fantasies or yuck that yum at all. Fantasies are just make believe, and it’s perfectly fine to have some that involve violations of consent or even roleplaying those to get off.
It’s just that they’re very different from ravishment scenarios.
You can really tell the difference when you see it in porn.
Ravishment scenes are everywhere. Fauxcest and family roleplay porn typically involves some kind of ravishment. Stuck porn definitely does. If a scene has a storyline, there’s a really good chance it’s got those elements because almost everyone fantasizes about being desired intensely or being overcome with desire.
That’s why Pure Taboo is one of my favorite porn sites. It basically specializes in consensual non-consent and lots of the scenes do a great job of depicting that forbidden lust, temptation, and people giving in to their desires.
But Pure Taboo is a tough one to navigate sometimes, because it can also get dark as fuck. They sometimes feature scenes that go beyond ravishment and have characters who don’t actually want the sex they’re having. And you can tell the difference. It’s obvious watching it that something other than ravishment is going on, and I have a feeling it would be too rapey for a lot of women who supposedly have rape fantasies.
And if the line is blurry on Pure Taboo, it isn’t when you’re watching rape play porn. In those scenes, the consent is actively denied and the sex is violent. The performer doesn’t play coy or hesitate while biting her lip - she fights off her assailant, she screams no, she pleads to be left alone, and she might even cry if she has enough acting skills to do it.
If it wasn’t for the performer’s interview before and after the scene, you’d be worried for her. Even with the interview, it can be distressing and emotionally triggering to watch.
Those types of scenes are a tiny sliver of the porn world. You usually have to go to some really kinky corners of the internet to find them. And the reason they’re so hard to find is because the demand for them is extremely low, because no matter what the headlines about them say, actual rape fantasies are rare.
Words Matter
Ravishment is just a word, but I think it’s a really important one.
When we talk about the majority of women having rape fantasies, it gives the wrong impression of what actually turns a woman on. Instead of desirability and passion, “rape fantasies” makes it sound like most women get turned on by someone forcing themselves on them and ignoring their boundaries.
Getting the words right can also help women figure out exactly what they want and get more of it. Desires aren’t always obvious. I spent years having these fantasies but not understanding what turned me on about them.
When I heard the word “ravishment,” it all made perfect sense. It gave me a clear and easy way to figure out why I find some consensual non-consent scenarios incredibly arousing but find others really off-putting or disturbing.
It also helped me find porn that’s up my alley without wasting time looking for the wrong thing. And it can give women the language they need to work out roleplay scenarios without their partners misunderstanding what kind of scene they want to act out.
Calling them ravishment fantasies could also help women avoid unnecessary distress. It can cause a lot of anxiety to find out that what you’re into is labeled a rape fantasy. There are plenty of women who are horrified at the thought that they’re aroused by something so heinous.
And the women who do have genuine rape fantasies should be able to talk about that. Their perspective shouldn’t get drowned out because we use the wrong language when we’re talking about ravishment fantasies.
Fantasies that depict realistic rape are real but they’re not even close to being typical. The way we talk about women’s sexual fantasies should reflect that. And that’s why I’ll be referring to what most women have as ravishment fantasies, and I think we all should.
This article contains affiliate links to Pure Taboo. If you click on one and treat yourself to a membership, I earn a small commission and you’ll be supporting my work! Be sure to use the code LOVEEMMA when you sign up to get a free week!
And if you like this article, I bet you’ll love the My Dirty Little Whore (Positive Humiliation and Praise Kink) episode of my dirty and intimate sex podcast, Pillow Talk With Emma Austin!
