How to Be Submissive When You're Vanilla

Sometimes you just want to give up a little control

I’m into sexual submission, but it took me a long time to realize that.

It didn’t seem arousing when I looked at it from the outside or thought about it in the abstract.

Giving up control didn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. I couldn’t imagine it making me feel anything but unsafe.

I used to hang a pair of handcuffs from my car’s rearview mirror, but that was mostly just me showing off. I was 19 and I loved giving the image that I was naughty, but I didn’t actually think being restrained would be fun. It was cool to think about it, and I might have been willing to try if I had been with a kinky partner, but that was about it. I couldn’t see the appeal of putting myself in such a compromised position.

That changed recently when I started exploring edging with my husband.

I liked the way that it increased my arousal. I loved the orgasms that came at the end of a good edging session.

But I discovered that what I really loved about it was feeling like I had lost some control over my body. Edging broke the script. Instead of enjoying the intensifying pleasure of having my clit rubbed or my pussy licked until I reached a climax, my orgasm was entirely up to my husband.

He decided if I got to come or if I had to wait. And that turned me the fuck on.

That helped me understand it. I got how giving up control could be not just sexy but intensely pleasurable.

I wanted more of it. I encouraged Mr. Austin to dominate me a little more during sex and I felt a rush when he grabbed my wrists and pinned them against the mattress.

Then I found myself shopping online for a sleep mask I could use as a blindfold and that’s what showed me how strong my submissive side is. When my husband slipped it over my eyes, I felt like I had entered a new consciousness. I was hit with a wave of euphoria. My breath almost stopped for a moment as I adjusted to the new sensation.

It caught me off guard, and I was ecstatic.

Then, he slipped a pair of silicone handcuffs over my wrists and that made it even better. Having my hands bound, not being able to see, and knowing my husband was in complete control of the situation just felt amazing.

That was it. I knew then and there that I don’t just like a guy to take the lead. I don’t just like being a bit of a pillow princess. I like being dominated.

If you think of yourself as more on the vanilla side but want to explore submissive control play, her are some things to keep in mind as you try it out.

Communicate Your Boundaries Ahead of Time

To enjoy giving control over to your partner, you have to feel safe. You won’t be able to lose yourself in the pleasure of submission if you’re constantly worried that they’ll take things too far or do something that upsets you.

So, figure out your boundaries and communicate them to your partner ahead of time. Don’t rely on your partner to just know them because they can be different for everyone.

One of my boundaries is that I don’t like physical pain and I only like my hair pulled gently and in a certain way. Another is that I don’t want to be made to give head or even asked to give a blowjob. That’s something I made sure to be clear about with my husband and I’ll do the same with any future partners because for most people, asking for head is an ordinary thing. For me, it’s triggering.

Establish a Safeword

Even after setting some ground rules, it’s a good idea to agree on a safeword just in case things take a direction you don’t find pleasurable.

It’s helpful when you’re trying a type of control play for the first time, because you’ll never know how you’ll feel about it until you’re in the moment. But it’s especially important when you’re playing out submissive scenarios that involve either playful defiance or outright aggression. When saying “no” or resisting could be part of your roleplay, you’ll need a clear way to put a stop to things.

Make your safeword clear and unambiguous. “Pineapple” and “banana” are popular choices because almost no one says those in a sexual context unless they’re trying to call a time out.

Some people prefer using “Yellow Light” to tell their partner to keep going but without escalating and “Red Light” to tell that what they’re doing is too much.

Decide on Your Role

There are different ways to be submissive and there are different ways for your partner to dominate you. You need to figure out what submissive role you want to play and make sure your partner understands this.

So, instead of just saying “I’d like to try being more submissive during sex” or “I’d like you to dominate me a little more when you’re fucking me,” be more precise.

Do you want to be coy and have your partner gently take the lead? Do you want to be bratty and defiant so that your partner has to be aggressive and tame you? Or do you just want to have your wrists bound and see what that’s like?

Keep the Bondage Light

Bondage and domination are two separate things and you can be submissive without being bound or restrained. But they pair really well, so if you have a submissive side you might be tempted to dabble with ropes and cuffs.

If you want to experiment with it, start with the light stuff. If you use restraints, make sure they’re comfortable and not too hard to slip on or off. Silky scarves, padded restraints, and silicone cuffs are good choices to get you started.

You don’t even have to buy anything if you’re just trying it out. My husband and his best friend once blindfolded me with a rolled up shirt and it was just as hot.

Show Your Appreciation

There’s a lot of responsibility that goes into dominating someone properly. If you’re trying out submission, that means you’re putting your partner in charge of your experience. If they’re doing a good job, reward them by showing your appreciation.

If you’re having fun, that shouldn’t be hard. Mostly, all you have to do is not hold back. Moan if it’s making you hot. Shout with glee if you’re thrilled by what they’re doing. Beg and plead for more if that’s something you’re comfortable doing.

Your enjoyment is part of your partner’s reward, so don’t keep it to yourself.

Ask for Aftercare

Make sure you ask for some aftercare, or have an aftercare plan in place ahead of time, even if the domination was light.

Submitting to someone can leave you in a weird place mentally and you might be surprised at how you feel when it’s all over. You might feel a little confused and bewildered. You might feel dirty or ashamed. So, it’s important for your partner to be present with you in those moments.

Everyone’s aftercare needs are different. You might just need some verbal reassurance. You might need to be held. You might need to talk through your feelings. What you won’t need is a partner who just scrolls through their phone or gets up to get a snack while you’re going through some stuff.

Of course, you might not need anything at all. You might just have all the positive feelings and none of the negative stuff. If so, that’s awesome. But a little aftercare never hurts, even when everything goes perfectly.

Let Go of Your Guilt and Shame

There can be a lot of shame or guilt around submission.

Some women feel some shame around their submissive desires because it doesn’t sit well with their feminist politics. Getting pleasure from a man overpowering them in the sheets just doesn’t match what they do in the streets.

If you have a hard time with those feelings, the trick is to remind yourself that you’re just playing a role to help you get off. It’s as simple as that. Submitting to someone doesn’t negate any of your other beliefs.

I’m a people pleaser, so the hardest thing for me was the guilt. I wanted to let go of my control over the situation and let my partner take charge. But there was always this nagging sense that I wasn’t doing enough. I wasn’t making this fun for my husband. I wasn’t giving him enough and I was taking too much.

To let go of my guilt, I had to find ways to be an active participant even when I was giving up control. It also helped when Mr. Austin showed me how much he enjoyed dominating me when we fucked.

The best thing you can do is focus on the enjoyment you get from it. Embrace all the feelings. Some will catch you off guard. Some might make you feel a bit of cognitive dissonance. Some might just be confusing. But if you can keep focusing on the positive feelings instead of the weird ones, you can have a really good time.

Play Safely

Remember, above all, that submission is about your pleasure. Submitting to a partner puts you in a really vulnerable position, so it’s important that you play in a way that you can really enjoy.

Try control play with a partner you can really trust. Make sure they understand the responsibilities that come with dominating you and agree to create the right kind of experience for you.

If submission appeals to you and you have the right person to try it with, go ahead and give up a little bit of control. If you’re like me, you’ll find out it’s exactly what you need.

If you want to try a fun, versatile set of restraints, I highly recommend the Sportsheets Under the Bed Restraint System, which you can get from Betty’s Toy Box. And if you want some very kinky inspiration, check out Bubblegum Dungeon on AdultTime. Be sure to use the code LOVEEMMA for 10% off your order from Betty’s Toy Box or 20% off a 30-day membership of Adult Time.