Are My “Personal Massagers” Actually Good for Massages?

I threw out my back, so I put my sex toys to the test

The other day, I threw out my back having sex.

Hold on, it’s not as fun as it sounds.

We put all the kids to bed and reconvened to the bedroom so we could have some adult bonding time.

Armed with all sorts of newfound confidence, I stripped completely naked even though there was still some sunlight coming through the windows. I hopped into bed with Mr. Austin and we cuddled, kissed, and touched each other.

We were aroused. We were focused. Minutes melted away and it felt like there was no one else in the world other than us.

That’s when my son broke the mood by trying to barge in on us.

We’re no fools - we locked the door. But something about the way he aggressively jiggled the knob and banged against the door made me temporarily forget that we were safe.

I tried grabbing a blanket but there were none in reach (it’s been fucking hot over here). So, we both scurried in a panic, lunging for our clothes while trying to position ourselves in the least traumatizing angle possible.

We were immediately relieved when we remembered the lock.

Mr. Austin slipped on his boxer briefs and went to see what our boy needed. He was concerned about a weird smell in the bathroom. Turns out it was just the floral bath bombs I bought that day.

Meanwhile, I lay naked and in excruciating pain. Because of all the twisting and straining that happened in that moment, I threw out my back.

We decided to proceed with playtime anyway, but now things were a little more challenging because my back was stiff and Mr. Austin wasn’t anymore.

Putting the Euphemism to the Test

The next day, my muscles were still aching. It felt almost unbearable, even after popping some muscle relaxers. If I was going to feel better, I’d need a massage, too.

I had been joking with my husband that I get muscle and joint pain so often that I should really consider using my Magic Wand massager as an actual massager.

I don’t know if it was the drugs or what, but I started really taking the idea seriously.

I wondered if my other sex toys could work the same way.

After all, each time I order one, the mailing slip says “personal massager.” Could it really just be a euphemism?

I decided to put it to the test. I gathered most of my sex toys, called my husband in, and told him I wanted him to massage my back with them.

I married a man who can put up with all sorts of ridiculousness, so he didn’t even question my reasoning. He shrugged, climbed in bed next to me, and asked if I wanted him to start with any one in particular.

The results were mixed, but overall not terrible. I did manage to get some pain relief from them. So, here’s a brief run-down of my experience getting massaged by five different sex toys.

Ben Wa Balls

I tried these ones even though the package it came in didn’t list it as a massager. It described them, instead, as a “pleasure object,” which has a weirdly sketchy vibe to it. Truth be told, I’d rather the postal clerks think I’m ordering sex toys instead of guessing at what kind of “pleasure object” I’m treating myself to.

Being massaged with the Ben Wa balls was definitely an experience, but not a good one.

I know you can give yourself a half decent massage by rubbing a tennis ball on your aching muscles, so this should be more of the same, right?

Wrong. This was a total fail.

Having them rubbed against my back and shoulders was just painful. It felt uncomfortable. It’s like they weren’t rolling at all and just had to be sort shoved around. And the silicone string that connects the balls together felt really weird rubbing against me.

So, that confirms it. These are for internal use only.

Suction Cup Dildo, Complete with Scrotum

This is a sex toy I’ve used once or twice but still haven’t used in a sexual context. Getting massaged with it kept that streak going.

And unlike the Ben Wa balls, this was a legit option because it was delivered to me as a “hand massager.”

I asked Mr. Austin to roll it across my back. So, really, this was all about the shaft. Only problem is, the shaft is very veiny.

I’m sure all that extra texture might feel great when it’s inside me, but it made it way too bumpy for a comfortable massage.

And the balls kept getting in the way (don’t they always?) Instead of a smooth roll, there’d sometimes be a bit of a bump because of them. Once, they also got the back of my neck, which is as close to getting teabagged as I’ve been in a while.

G-Spot Vibrator with Bunny

This was an impressive little toy when used according to the manufacturer’s specifications, so I was interested to see how it would do with an off-label use.

Now we’re talking.

The vibrations felt good against my sore muscles. The silicone was soft against my skin and it could glide easily across my back with little effort.

The rabbit, I’m sad to say, was of absolutely no use. I’m normally very fond of the little guy, but he just didn’t have the power or firmness to accomplish much when it came to giving me a massage.

Still, it was kind of amusing thinking of him sitting up there, like a little spectator. (Okay, yeah, the muscle relaxers had definitely kicked in by then.)

Panty Vibrator

This little vibrator slips into the front of my panties to give me a little (or big!) buzz whenever I activate it. The best thing about it is the remote control - giving it to Mr. Austin and letting him take charge of my pleasure is really exciting.

And it turns out that just handing the vibrator itself to Mr. Austin can make me feel good, too.

Like the G-spot vibrator, this one has some soothing vibrations and soft silicone that feels good against my back. But the real perk is the shape.

Because it’s meant to sit in your undies and rest against your pussy, it’s got a bit of a slight curve to it. That makes it fit perfectly in my husband’s palm as he massages me.

So, he could use his hand to make me feel good while the added vibrations just enhanced the whole experience. In other words, it worked the way any good vibrator should.

Magic Wand

This is it. The original massager you don’t really use for massages.

I’ve had a bit of a mixed experience with the Wand. It’s too strong against my clit so it’s not part of my regular sex toy rotation - though it works perfectly well through my pants.

All that power works in its favor when it comes to relieving tense muscles. The intense vibrations feel like they’re penetrating deep into the tissues and giving me some better results than any of my other sex toys.

It feels almost like using a vibrating massage chair, if a massage chair was meant to make you come.

After a bit, though, I had to ask Mr. Austin to use it over my shirt instead of against my skin. It was just too intense. So I guess I’ll use the Wand the same way no matter what I’m using it for.

Verdict

Trying out these “massagers” as massagers was fun, but it wasn’t a life-changing experience. I still prefer skin-to-skin massages where Mr. Austin just uses his hands.

I might still bust out the wand once in a while, though. I think it might be particularly helpful to deal with really stubborn knots.

This was also the first time I actually used this many sex toys at once. I normally don’t use more than two in one night, and definitely never five.

Although, that does give me some ideas. I might have to call Mr. Austin into the bedroom soon to try another experiment.

This post contains affiliate links to the Magic Wand. If you click on one and treat yourself to anything from the site, I earn a small commission and you’ll have a vibrator that’s great for massaging more than just your shoulders. And be sure to use the code LOVEEMMA at checkout to save 15% on your entire order from Betty’s Toy Box!

If you liked this article, you should totally check out the Rub Me Down and Get Me Off (Massage Porn, Happy Endings, and Goopy Nuru Gel) episode of my dirty and intimate sex podcast, Pillow Talk With Emma Austin!