8 Things You Don’t See in Porn

What happens behind the scenes

There’s a big complaint about porn that I keep seeing over and over.

A lot of people are annoyed that the sex it shows isn’t realistic.

Now, I actually think this is a little overblown. The kind of sex you see in porn isn’t for everyone, but it’s not like it never happens in ordinary relationships.

There are plenty of people out there who enjoy a good threesome now and then. There are happy couples in healthy relationships who enjoy a little bit of choking during a good screw. And there are ordinary women who absolutely crave anal.

Most of the sex acts you see in porn are the kinds of thing at least one of the couples who live on your street have probably experimented with.

But what makes porn unrealistic isn’t so much what it shows — it’s what it doesn’t show.

There are a lot of elements of real life sex that almost never make into porn videos, especially the studio-produced ones.

I don’t personally think that’s a problem because porn isn’t meant to be sex ed. It’s an entertainment product and it can be just as unrealistic as all the other movies I watch to entertain myself.

I do learn things from porn all the time, but it’s mostly about what I find hot or arousing. And paying close attention to amateur performers is basically how I learned to give better head.

But our sex education shouldn’t come primarily from an entertainment product. We shouldn’t be learning everything we know about sex from porn any more than we should be taking dating advice from romantic comedies.

Still, fantasies can influence our expectations. So, it’s a good idea to take stock of the things that are left out of porn scenes but that will (or should) be part of the sex you have in real life.

There are probably more, but to me, these are the biggest parts of real life sex that almost never show up in porn.

Establishing Consent and Boundaries

This is an extremely important part of sex and it should definitely be the norm.

Making sure that your partner is enthusiastic about fucking you, figuring out what they’re okay with, and learning what crosses a line for them is something that should at the very least be part of your foreplay.

And no, it doesn’t have to feel like a stuffy contract negotiation. It just takes some basic communication skills and a little bit of emotional intelligence to get all that sorted without killing the mood. If you do it right, it can even be arousing.

It’s something you definitely have to do when you’re getting dirty with someone for the first time. But it can still be part of your long-term relationship.

After ten years of marriage, my husband and I mostly rely on non-verbal consent, but we occasionally discuss our boundaries explicitly. Whenever we want to try something new, or when our feelings about something change, we lay out exactly what we’re comfortable with so we know exactly where the limits are.

Pornstars often do the same thing behind the scenes.

In their case, it can be a little more contractual. They sign off on taking part in a scene, agree to certain sex acts and disapprove of some, and the performers might discuss what they’re okay with and what would be going too far.

That’s not something you see in the final product because no one streams porn so they can watch people have a conversation. You want to watch them roleplay, talk dirty, and fuck — and that’s exactly what you get.

Applying  Lube

There’s plenty of lube in porn, but you might not notice it.

You’ll almost never see a shot of a performer squeezing lube out of the bottle and slathering it on themselves. But every porn set has plenty of it on hand.

Obviously, it’s needed when they’re doing an anal scene. But there are lots of reasons to use plenty of lube even when no one’s ass is involved.

For one thing , the whole setup is artificial. It’s two (or more) people getting together on a set to perform in front of cameras. That doesn’t guarantee the kind of arousal you need for a comfortable or pleasurable fuck.

When the performers do get fully aroused, they might still use plenty of lube if they lose their arousal between takes.

Or they might have a hard time staying wet because it’s hard to sustain that when you’re surrounded by a small film crew.

Lube also makes a pussy wetter, which is a good look.

And have you seen how thick most pornstar cocks are? Just looking at them makes me feel the need to lube up.

But all that lubing and relubing happens off camera.

So, even if you want to fuck like a porn star, it’s always smart to have plenty of lube to play with.

STI Testing and Birth Control

STI testing is a big part of working in the porn industry. Performers get tested every 14 days, and their livelihood depends on playing it safe when they’re not filming.

It should be something everyone does if they’re having sex with different partners over a period of time. In addition to wearing condoms, if you’re dating and having sex, you should get tested every few months or once a year, depending on how busy your calendar is.

The other thing that you don’t see on screen is birth control.

Most porn shoots don’t involve condoms, but that doesn’t mean there’s absolutely no protection in place.

Performers might be on the pill or have an IUD. Some of them might also track their cycles and schedule shoots accordingly — I can’t imagine I would ever feel safe doing a creampie scene smack dab in the middle of my fertile window.

When you’re watching porn, it looks like the performers are incredibly careless with the things they do. But that’s just because the carefulness isn’t caught on film.

Going Over Preferences

In addition to talking about boundaries, having good sexual chemistry means knowing what your partner wants.

And you can’t really know that unless you talk about it.

I’ve read about performers having those discussions before filming. They might talk about what turns them on and what gets them off. They might talk about how they like to get fucked or their favorite way to have their pussies stroked and fingered.

That’s the kind of conversation that always makes sex better, but it wouldn’t necessarily make the porn better. That’s why you always just see people touch, lick, suck, and fuck each other without giving a lot of instructions and verbal feedback.

Plus, it plays into the fantasy of having a partner who knows exactly how to pleasure you without having to tell them.

But that’s exactly what it is — a fantasy. That’s why you’ll rarely see it in porn, even though you should expect it in reality.

Effort and Awkwardness

Unless you’re watching one of those extended amateur scenes, the porn you’re watching involves a lot of strategic editing.

Coordinating that double penetration scene didn’t happen like magic, but the editing made it seem seamless.

Performers getting sore and needing to reposition themselves also get sliced out.

And there’s often a cut right before the money shot for a reason. Because you want to see that grunting stud come on his co-star, not watch her patiently wait while he strokes himself off for four and a half minutes.

Even when it goes well, sex isn’t that smooth. You can struggle getting the cock in when you’re in an awkward position. You might have to stop and readjust because your head is falling off the edge of the bed. There are all the times you have to say things like “my legs are starting to hurt, let’s switch.”

Because there’s no editing, you just have to giggle and roll with it.

Anal Prepping

I fucking wish anal was as easy and effortless as it is in porn. But I know why it isn’t. There’s a lot of work that goes into making it look that way.

There’s anal training, where you play around with anal toys to get your ass used to taking something thick with less resistance.

Performers might also wear butt plugs before the scene to get prepped.

They’ll probably eat clean for at least a day and do some anal douching to minimize the kind of messiness that might happen from someone getting up close and personal with your ass — and capturing it on video, no less.

And like I mentioned above, once they get on set, there’s going to be a lot of off-screen lubing. There’s just no way to have enjoyable anal without it.

All of those things work together to make anal sex look easy peasy.

That means your girlfriend isn’t a wimp because she struggles with getting her ass fucked. She just hasn’t done nearly as much prep as the women who are paid to do it have.

Cleaning Up

Sex is messy, and porn sex is really messy.

Porn movies fade to black moments after the money shot. So, you never get to see the performers asking for a towel, awkwardly shuffling to the nearest washroom, or going through a few wet wipes to clean themselves off.

I’ve never had a facial, but I can imagine that dealing with the aftermath is a lot less hot than the cumshot itself.

I get why they do that, but this one might be a missed opportunity. I might find the male performers even more attractive if the scenes ended with them helping their co-stars clean up. Everyone’s hot for a gentleman.

Sex toys have to be cleaned, too. Any buttplug, dildo, or vibrator that was used in a scene needs to be washed after the shoot.

Just a couple of nights ago after I was done fucking my husband, I walked to the bathroom awkwardly carrying a dildo and two vibrators in my hands and it made me realize that you never see pornstars walking off set with an armful of toys at the end of a shoot. That’s just not part of anybody’s fantasy.

Performance Obstacles

Your body doesn’t always work the way you want it to, and that’s another thing you’ll experience plenty of times in real life but you’d have to dig really deep to find it in porn.

You won’t see men struggling to get hard and maybe not achieving a full erection at all.

They’ll cut the part out where he takes forever to make himself come. And unless you go searching specifically for it, you probably won’t see any men ejaculating prematurely.

You might see women who take a long time to come, but you won’t see them full-on struggle to do it. You won’t see her frustratingly trying and trying, wondering out loud why the fuck her pussy won’t cooperate.

And unless you search for them specifically, you won’t see those ruined orgasms that are just kind of disappointing and not that exciting. And if you do see one, you might not even know it because there’s a good chance she’ll fake her way through it.

Real sex isn’t always that easy. Orgasms can be hard to come by and when you do have them, they can be weird and kind of disappointing. You might have to think on your feet to accommodate your partner when he can’t get hard, or find a way to help your gal come when you reach your climax a lot sooner than you expected.

Enjoy the Fantasy

For the most part, these things don’t make it on the screen because they’re not as hot or entertaining as the shots designed to get you horny and help you get off.

Watching an extended discussion between performers about their preferences and boundaries might be interesting, but it’s not the kind of thing you’d want to sit through when you just want to jill off.

Watching the performers reposition themselves a few times when they try to get a complicated position right would make porn more realistic, but it wouldn’t make it any better.

Porn leaves out a lot of what happens during real sex, and I’m glad it does. When I watch it, I want to spend half an hour believing that sex is easy, it’s never uncomfortable, no one has to worry about birth control, and everyone can come without much effort.

I know these discussions aren’t going away any time soon. People will keep complaining that porn isn’t realistic. But I just can’t see how that’s a bad thing.

One thing you do see in porn is some impressive fucking and hot fantasies come to life. If you want to watch the really good stuff, check out my favorite porn site, Adult Time! That’s an affiliate link, by the way — if you click on it and treat yourself to a membership, I earn a small commission and you’ll be supporting my work. And be sure to use the code LOVEEMMA to get a free week!